The Wolves and the Lamb

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THE WOLVES AND THE LAMB


By William Makepeace Thackeray




DRAMATIS PERSONAE.

MR. HORACE MILLIKEN, a Widower, a wealthy City Merchant.
GEORGE MILLIKEN, a Child, his Son.
CAPTAIN TOUCHIT, his Friend.
CLARENCE KICKLEBURY, brother to Milliken's late Wife.
JOHN HOWELL, M's Butler and confidential Servant.
CHARLES PAGE, Foot-boy.
BULKELEY, Lady Kicklebury's Servant.
MR. BONNINGTON.
Coachman, Cabman; a Bluecoat Boy, another Boy (Mrs. Prior's Sons).

LADY KICKLEBURY, Mother-in-law to Milliken.
MRS. BONNINGTON, Milliken's Mother (married again).
MRS. PRIOR.
MISS PRIOR, her Daughter, Governess to Milliken's Children.
ARABELLA MILLIKEN, a Child.
MARY BARLOW, School-room Maid.
A grown-up Girl and Child of Mrs. Prior's, Lady K.'s Maid, Cook.




THE WOLVES AND THE LAMB.




ACT I.


Scene.--MILLIKEN'S villa at Richmond; two drawing-rooms opening into
one another. The late MRS. MILLIKEN'S portrait over the mantel-piece;
bookcases, writing-tables, piano, newspapers, a handsomely furnished
saloon. The back-room opens, with very large windows, on the lawn and
pleasure-ground; gate, and wall--over which the heads of a cab and a
carriage are seen, as persons arrive. Fruit, and a ladder on the walls.
A door to the dining-room, another to the sleeping-apartments, &c.


JOHN.--Everybody out; governor in the city; governess (heigh-ho!)
walking in the Park with the children; ladyship gone out in the
carriage. Let's sit down and have a look at the papers. Buttons fetch
the Morning Post out of Lady Kicklebury's room. Where's the Daily News,
sir?

PAGE.--Think it's in Milliken's room.

JOHN.--Milliken! you scoundrel! What do you mean by Milliken? Speak of
your employer as your governor if you like; but not as simple Milliken.
Confound your impudence! you'll be calling me Howell next.

PAGE.--Well! I didn't know. YOU call him Milliken.

JOHN.--Because I know him, because I'm intimate with him, because
there's not a secret he has but I may have it for the asking; because
the letters addressed to Horace Milliken, Esq., might as well be
addressed John Howell, Esq., for I read 'em, I put 'em away and docket
'em, and remember 'em. I know his affairs better than he does: his
income to a shilling, pay his tradesmen, wear his coats if I like. I
may call Mr. Milliken what I please; but not YOU, you little scamp of a
clod-hopping ploughboy. Know your station and do your business, or you
don't wear THEM buttons long, I promise you. [Exit Page.]

Let me go on with the paper [reads]. How brilliant this writing is!
Times, Chronicle, Daily News, they're all good, blest if they ain't. How
much better the nine leaders in them three daily papers is, than nine
speeches in the House of Commons! Take a very best speech in the 'Ouse
now, and compare it with an article in The Times! I say, the newspaper
has the best of it for philosophy, for wit, novelty, good sense too. And
the party that writes the leading article is nobody, and the chap that
speaks in the House of Commons is a hero. Lord, Lord, how the world
is 'umbugged! Pop'lar representation! what IS pop'lar representation?
Dammy, it's a farce. Hallo! this article is stole! I remember a passage
in Montesquieu uncommonly like it. [Goes and gets the book. As he is
standing upon sofa to get it, and sitting down to read it, MISS PRIOR
and the Children have come in at the garden. Children pass across stage.
MISS PRIOR enters by open window, bringing flowers into the room.]

JOHN.--It IS like it. [He slaps the book, and seeing MISS PRIOR who
enters, then jumps up from sofa, saying very respectfully,]

JOHN.--I beg your pardon, Miss.

MISS P.--[sarcastically.] Do I disturb you, Howell?

JOHN.--Disturb! I have no right to say--a servant has no right to be
disturbed, but I hope I may be pardoned for venturing to look at
a volume in the libery, Miss, just in reference to a newspaper
harticle--that's all, Miss.

MISS P.--You are very fortunate in finding anything to interest you in
the paper, I'm sure.

JOHN.--Perhaps, Miss, you are not accustomed to political discussion,
and ignorant of--ah--I beg your pardon: a servant, I know, has no right
to speak. [Exit into dining-room, making a low bow.]

MISS PRIOR.--The coolness of some people is really quite extraordinary!
the airs they give themselves, the way in which they answer one, the
books they read! Montesquieu: "Esprit des Lois!" [takes book up which
J. has left on sofa.] I believe the man has actually taken this from the
shelf. I am sure Mr. Milliken, or her ladyship, never would. The other
day "Helvetius" was found in Mr. Howell's pantry, forsooth! It is
wonderful how he picked up French whilst we were abroad. "Esprit des
Lois!" what is it? it must be dreadfully stupid. And as for reading
"Helvetius" (who, I suppose, was a Roman general), I really can't
understand how--Dear, dear! what airs these persons give themselves!
What will come next? A footman--I beg Mr. Howell's pardon--a butler
and confidential valet lolls on the drawing-room sofa, and reads
Montesquieu! Impudence! And add to this, he follows me for the last two
or three months with eyes that are quite horrid. What can the creature
mean? But I forgot--I am only a governess. A governess is not a lady--a
governess is but a servant--a governess is to work and walk all day with
the children, dine in the school-room, and come to the drawing-room to
play the man of the house to sleep. A governess is a domestic, only her
place is not the servants' hall, and she is paid not quite so well as
the butler who serves her her glass of wine. Odious! George! Arabella!
there are those little wretches quarrelling again! [Exit. Children are
heard calling out, and seen quarrelling in garden.]

JOHN [re-entering].--See where she moves! grace is in all her steps.
'Eaven in her high--no--a-heaven in her heye, in every gesture dignity
and love--ah, I wish I could say it! I wish you may procure it, poor
fool! She passes by me--she tr-r-amples on me. Here's the chair she sets
in [kisses it.] Here's the piano she plays on. Pretty keys, them fingers
out-hivories you! When she plays on it, I stand and listen at the
drawing-room door, and my heart thr-obs in time! Fool, fool, fool! why
did you look on her, John Howell! why did you beat for her, busy heart!
You were tranquil till you knew her! I thought I could have been a-happy
with Mary till then. That girl's affection soothed me. Her conversation
didn't amuse me much, her ideers ain't exactly elevated, but they are
just and proper. Her attentions pleased me. She ever kep' the best cup
of tea for me. She crisped my buttered toast, or mixed my quiet tumbler
for me, as I sat of hevenings and read my newspaper in the kitching. She
respected the sanctaty of my pantry. When I was a-studying there, she
never interrupted me. She darned my stockings for me, she starched and
folded my chokers, and she sowed on the habsent buttons of which time
and chance had bereft my linning. She has a good heart, Mary has. I know
she'd get up and black the boots for me of the coldest winter mornings.
She did when we was in humbler life, she did.

Enter MARY.

You have a good heart, Mary!

MARY.--Have I, dear John? [sadly.]

JOHN.--Yes, child--yes. I think a better never beat in woman's bosom.
You're good to everybody--good to your parents whom you send half your
wages to: good to your employers whom you never robbed of a halfpenny.

MARY [whimpering].--Yes, I did, John. I took the jelly when you were in
bed with the influenza; and brought you the pork-wine negus.

JOHN.--Port, not pork, child. Pork is the hanimal which Jews ab'or. Port
is from Oporto in Portugal.

MARY [still crying].--Yes, John; you know everything a'most, John.

JOHN.--And you, poor child, but little! It's not heart you want, you
little trump, it's education, Mary: it's information: it's head, head,
head! You can't learn. You never can learn. Your ideers ain't no good.
You never can hinterchange em with mine. Conversation between us is
impossible. It's not your fault. Some people are born clever; some are
born tall, I ain't tall.

MARY.--Ho! you're big enough for me, John. [Offers to take his hand.]

JOHN.--Let go my 'and--my a-hand, Mary! I say, some people are born with
brains, and some with big figures. Look at that great ass, Bulkeley,
Lady K.'s man--the besotted, stupid beast! He's as big as a
life-guardsman, but he ain't no more education nor ideers than the ox he
feeds on.

MARY.--Law, John, whatever do you mean?

JOHN.--Hm! you know not, little one! you never can know. Have YOU ever
felt the pangs of imprisoned genius? have YOU ever felt what 'tis to be
a slave?

MARY.--Not in a free country, I should hope, John Howell--no such a
thing. A place is a place, and I know mine, and am content with the
spear of life in which it pleases heaven to place me, John: and I wish
you were, and remembered what we learned from our parson when we went
to school together in dear old Pigeoncot, John--when you used to help
little Mary with her lessons, John, and fought Bob Brown, the big
butcher's boy, because he was rude to me, John, and he gave you that
black hi.

JOHN.--Say eye, Mary, not heye [gently].

MARY.--Eye; and I thought you never looked better in all your life
than you did then: and we both took service at Squire Milliken's--me as
dairy-girl, and you as knife-boy; and good masters have they been to
us from our youth hup: both old Squire Milliken and Mr. Charles as is
master now, and poor Mrs. as is dead, though she had her tantrums--and I
thought we should save up and take the "Milliken Arms"--and now we have
saved up--and now, now, now--oh, you are a stone, a stone, a stone!
and I wish you were hung round my neck, and I were put down the well!
There's the hup-stairs bell. [She starts, changing her manner as she
hears the bell, and exit.]

JOHN [looking after her].--It's all true. Gospel-true. We were children
in the same village--sat on the same form at school. And it was for her
sake that Bob Brown the butcher's boy whopped me. A black eye! I'm not
handsome. But if I were ugly, ugly as the Saracen's 'Ead, ugly as that
beast Bulkeley, I know it would be all the same to Mary. SHE has never
forgot the boy she loved, that brought birds'-nests for her, and
spent his halfpenny on cherries, and bought a fairing with his first
half-crown--a brooch it was, I remember, of two billing doves a-hopping
on one twig, and brought it home for little yellow-haired, blue-eyed,
red-cheeked Mary. Lord, Lord! I don't like to think how I've kissed 'em,
the pretty cheeks! they've got quite pale now with crying--and she has
never once reproached me, not once, the trump, the little tr-rump!

Is it my fault [stamping] that Fate has separated us? Why did my young
master take me up to Oxford, and give me the run of his libery and the
society of the best scouts in the University? Why did he take me abroad?
Why have I been to Italy, France, Jummany with him--their manners noted
and their realms surveyed, by jingo! I've improved myself, and Mary has
remained as you was. I try a conversation, and she can't respond. She's
never got a word of poetry beyond Watt's Ims, and if I talk of Byron or
Moore to her, I'm blest if she knows anything more about 'em than the
cook, who is as hignorant as a pig, or that beast Bulkeley, Lady Kick's
footman. Above all, why, why did I see the woman upon whom my
wretched heart is fixed for ever, and who carries away my soul with
her--prostrate, I say, prostrate, through the mud at the skirts of her
gownd! Enslaver! why did I ever come near you? O enchantress Kelipso!
how you have got hold of me! It was Fate, Fate, Fate. When Mrs. Milliken
fell ill of scarlet fever at Naples, Milliken was away at Petersborough,
Rooshia, looking after his property. Her foring woman fled. Me and the
governess remained and nursed her and the children. We nursed the little
ones out of the fever. We buried their mother. We brought the children
home over Halp and Happenine. I nursed 'em all three. I tended 'em all
three, the orphans, and the lovely gu-gu-governess. At Rome, where she
took ill, I waited on her; as we went to Florence, had we been attacked
by twenty thousand brigands, this little arm had courage for them all!
And if I loved thee, Julia, was I wrong? and if I basked in thy beauty
day and night, Julia, am I not a man? and if, before this Peri, this
enchantress, this gazelle, I forgot poor little Mary Barlow, how could I
help it? I say, how the doose could I help it?

Enter Lady KICKLEBURY, BULKELEY following with parcels and a spaniel.

LADY K.--Are the children and the governess come home?

JOHN.--Yes, my lady [in a perfectly altered tone].

LADY K.--Bulkeley, take those parcels to my sitting-room.

JOHN.--Get up, old stoopid. Push along, old daddylonglegs [aside to
BULKELEY].

LADY K.--Does any one dine here to-day, Howell?

JOHN.--Captain Touchit, my lady.

LADY K.--He's always dining here.

JOHN.--My master's oldest friend.

LADY K.--Don't tell me. He comes from his club. He smells of smoke; he
is a low, vulgar person. Send Pinhorn up to me when you go down stairs.
[Exit Lady K.]

JOHN.--I know. Send Pinhorn to me, means, Send my bonny brown hair, and
send my beautiful complexion, and send my figure--and, O Lord! O Lord!
what an old tigress that is! What an old Hector! How she do twist
Milliken round her thumb! He's born to be bullied by women: and I
remember him henpecked--let's see, ever since--ever since the time of
that little gloveress at Woodstock, whose picter poor Mrs. M. made such
a noise about when she found it in the lumber-room. Heh! HER picture
will be going into the lumber-room some day. M. must marry to get rid
of his mother-in-law and mother over him: no man can stand it, not M.
himself, who's a Job of a man. Isn't he, look at him! [As he has been
speaking, the bell has rung, the Page has run to the garden-door, and
MILLIKEN enters through the garden, laden with a hamper, band-box, and
cricket-bat.]

MILLIKEN.--Why was the carriage not sent for me, Howell? There was no
cab at the station, and I have had to toil all the way up the hill with
these confounded parcels of my lady's.

JOHN.--I suppose the shower took off all the cabs, sir. When DID a man
ever git a cab in a shower?--or a policeman at a pinch--or a friend when
you wanted him--or anything at the right time, sir?

MILLIKEN.--But, sir, why didn't the carriage come, I say?

JOHN.--YOU know.

MILLIKEN.--How do you mean I know? confound your impudence!

JOHN.--Lady Kicklebury took it--your mother-in-law took it--went out
a-visiting--Ham Common, Petersham, Twick'nam--doose knows where. She,
and her footman, and her span'l dog.

MILLIKEN.--Well, sir, suppose her ladyship DID take the carriage? Hasn't
she a perfect right? And if the carriage was gone, I want to know, John,
why the devil the pony-chaise wasn't sent with the groom? Am I to bring
a bonnet-box and a hamper of fish in my own hands, I should like to
know?

JOHN.--Heh! [laughs.]

MILLIKEN.--Why do you grin, you Cheshire cat?

JOHN.--Your mother-in-law had the carriage; and your mother sent for
the pony-chaise. Your Pa wanted to go and see the Wicar of Putney. Mr.
Bonnington don't like walking when he can ride.

MILLIKEN.--And why shouldn't Mr. Bonnington ride, sir, as long as
there's a carriage in my stable? Mr. Bonnington has had the gout, sir!
Mr. Bonnington is a clergyman, and married to my mother. He has EVERY
title to my respect.

JOHN.--And to your pony-chaise--yes, sir.

MILLIKEN.--And to everything he likes in this house, sir.

JOHN.--What a good fellow you are, sir! You'd give your head off your
shoulders, that you would. Is the fish for dinner to-day? Band-box
for my lady, I suppose, sir? [Looks in]--Turban, feathers, bugles,
marabouts, spangles--doose knows what. Yes, it's for her ladyship.
[To Page.] Charles, take this band-box to her ladyship's maid. [To his
master.] What sauce would you like with the turbot? Lobster sauce
or Hollandaise? Hollandaise is best--most wholesome for you. Anybody
besides Captain Touchit coming to dinner?

MILLIKEN.--No one that I know of.

JOHN.--Very good. Bring up a bottle of the brown hock? He likes the
brown hock, Touchit does. [Exit JOHN.]

Enter Children. They run to MILLIKEN.

BOTH.--How d'you do, Papa! How do you do, Papa!

MILLIKEN.--Kiss your old father, Arabella. Come here, George--What?

GEORGE.--Don't care for kissing--kissing's for gals. Have you brought me
that bat from London?

MILLIKEN.--Yes. Here's the bat; and here's the ball [takes one from
pocket]--and--

GEORGE.--Where's the wickets, Papa. O-o-o--where's the wickets? [howls.]

MILLIKEN.--My dear, darling boy! I left them at the office. What a silly
papa I was to forget them! Parkins forgot them.

GEORGE.--Then turn him away, I say! Turn him away! [He stamps.]

MILLIKEN.--What! an old, faithful clerk and servant of your father and
grandfather for thirty years past? An old man, who loves us all, and has
nothing but our pay to live on?

ARABELLA.--Oh, you naughty boy!

GEORGE.--I ain't a naughty boy.

ARABELLA.--You are a naughty boy.

GEORGE.--He! he! he! he! [Grins at her.]

MILLIKEN.--Hush, children! Here, Arabella darling, here is a book for
you. Look--aren't they pretty pictures?

ARABELLA.--Is it a story, Papa? I don't care for stories in general.
I like something instructive and serious. Grandmamma Bonnington and
grandpapa say--

GEORGE.--He's NOT your grandpapa.

ARABELLA.--He IS my grandpapa.

GEORGE.--Oh, you great story! Look! look! there's a cab. [Runs out.
The head of a Hansom cab is seen over the garden-gate. Bell rings. Page
comes. Altercation between Cabman and Captain TOUCHIT appears to go on,
during which]

MILLIKEN.--Come and kiss your old father, Arabella. He's hungry for
kisses.

ARABELLA.--Don't. I want to go and look at the cab; and to tell Captain
Touchit that he mustn't use naughty words. [Runs towards garden. Page is
seen carrying a carpet-bag.]

Enter TOUCHIT through the open window smoking a cigar.

TOUCHIT.--How d'ye do, Milliken? How are tallows, hey, my noble
merchant? I have brought my bag, and intend to sleep--

GEORGE.--I say, godpapa--

TOUCHIT.--Well, godson!

GEORGE.--Give us a cigar!

TOUCHIT.--Oh, you enfant terrible!

MILLIKEN [wheezily].--Ah--ahem--George Touchit! you wouldn't
mind--a--smoking that cigar in the garden, would you? Ah--ah!

TOUCHIT.--Hullo! What's in the wind now? You used to be a most
inveterate smoker, Horace.

MILLIKEN.--The fact is--my mother-in-law--Lady Kicklebury--doesn't like
it, and while she's with us, you know--

TOUCHIT.--Of course, of course [throws away cigar]. I beg her ladyship's
pardon. I remember when you were courting her daughter she used not to
mind it.

MILLIKEN.--Don't--don't allude to those times. [He looks up at his
wife's picture.]

GEORGE.--My mamma was a Kicklebury. The Kickleburys are the oldest
family in all the world. My name is George Kicklebury Milliken, of
Pigeoncot, Hants; the Grove, Richmond, Surrey; and Portland Place,
London, Esquire--my name is.

TOUCHIT.--You have forgotten Billiter Street, hemp and tallow merchant.

GEORGE.--Oh, bother! I don't care about that. I shall leave that when
I'm a man: when I'm a man and come into my property.

MILLIKEN.--You come into your property?

GEORGE.--I shall, you know, when you're dead, Papa. I shall have this
house, and Pigeoncot; and the house in town--no, I don't mind about the
house in town--and I shan't let Bella live with me--no, I won't.

BELLA.--No; I won't live with YOU. And I'LL have Pigeoncot.

GEORGE.--You shan't have Pigeoncot. I'll have it: and the ponies: and I
won't let you ride them--and the dogs, and you shan't have even a
puppy to play with and the dairy and won't I have as much cream as I
like--that's all!

TOUCHIT.--What a darling boy! Your children are brought up beautifully,
Milliken. It's quite delightful to see them together.

GEORGE.--And I shall sink the name of Milliken, I shall.

MILLIKEN.--Sink the name? why, George?

GEORGE.--Because the Millikens are nobodies--grandmamma says they are
nobodies. The Kickleburys are gentlemen, and came over with William the
Conqueror.

BELLA.--I know when that was. One thousand one hundred and one thousand
one hundred and onety-one!

GEORGE.--Bother when they came over! But I know this, when I come into
the property I shall sink the name of Milliken.

MILLIKEN.--So you are ashamed of your father's name, are you, George, my
boy?

GEORGE.--Ashamed! No, I ain't ashamed. Only Kicklebury is sweller. I
know it is. Grandmamma says so.

BELLA.--MY grandmamma does not say so. MY dear grandmamma says that
family pride is sinful, and all belongs to this wicked world; and that
in a very few years what our names are will not matter.

GEORGE.--Yes, she says so because her father kept a shop; and so did
Pa's father keep a sort of shop--only Pa's a gentleman now.

TOUCHIT.--Darling child! How I wish I were married! If I had such a dear
boy as you, George, do you know what I would give him?

GEORGE [quite pleased].--What would you give him, god-papa?

TOUCHIT.--I would give him as sound a flogging as ever boy had, my
darling. I would whip this nonsense out of him. I would send him to
school, where I would pray that he might be well thrashed: and if
when he came home he was still ashamed of his father, I would put him
apprentice to a chimney-sweep--that's what I would do.

GEORGE.--I'm glad you're not my father, that's all.

BELLA.--And I'M glad you're not my father, because you are a wicked man!

MILLIKEN.--Arabella!

BELLA.--Grandmamma says so. He is a worldly man, and the world is
wicked. And he goes to the play: and he smokes, and he says--

TOUCHIT.--Bella, what do I say?

BELLA.--Oh, something dreadful! You know you do! I heard you say it to
the cabman.

TOUCHIT.--So I did, so I did! He asked me fifteen shillings from
Piccadilly, and I told him to go to--to somebody whose name begins with
a D.

CHILDREN.--Here's another carriage passing.

BELLA.--The Lady Rumble's carriage.

GEORGE.--No, it ain't: it's Captain Boxer's carriage [they run into the
garden].

TOUCHIT.--And this is the pass to which you have brought yourself,
Horace Milliken! Why, in your wife's time, it was better than this, my
poor fellow!

MILLIKEN.--Don't speak of her in THAT way, George Touchit!

TOUCHIT.--What have I said? I am only regretting her loss for our sake.
She tyrannized over you; turned your friends out of doors; took your
name out of your clubs; dragged you about from party to party, though
you can no more dance than a bear, and from opera to opera, though you
don't know "God Save the Queen" from "Rule Britannia." You don't, sir;
you know you don't. But Arabella was better than her mother, who has
taken possession of you since your widowhood.

MILLIKEN.--My dear fellow! no, she hasn't. There's MY mother.

TOUCHIT.--Yes, to be sure, there's Mrs. Bonnington, and they quarrel
over you like the two ladies over the baby before King Solomon.

MILLIKEN.--Play the satirist, my good friend! laugh at my weakness!

TOUCHIT.--I know you to be as plucky a fellow as ever stepped, Milliken,
when a man's in the case. I know you and I stood up to each other for an
hour and a half at Westminster.

MILLIKEN.--Thank you! We were both dragons of war! tremendous champions!
Perhaps I am a little soft as regards women. I know my weakness well
enough; but in my case what is my remedy? Put yourself in my position.
Be a widower with two young children. What is more natural than that
the mother of my poor wife should come and superintend my family? My own
mother can't. She has a half-dozen of little half brothers and sisters,
and a husband of her own to attend to. I dare say Mr. Bonnington and my
mother will come to dinner to-day.

TOUCHIT.--Of course they will, my poor old Milliken, you don't dare to
dine without them.

MILLIKEN.--Don't go on in that manner, George Touchit! Why should not my
step-father and my mother dine with me? I can afford it. I am a domestic
man and like to see my relations about me. I am in the city all day.

TOUCHIT.--Luckily for you.

MILLIKEN.--And my pleasure of an evening is to sit under my own vine and
under my own fig-tree with my own olive-branches round about me; to sit
by my fire with my children at my knees: to coze over a snug bottle of
claret after dinner with a friend like you to share it; to see the young
folks at the breakfast-table of a morning, and to kiss them and so off
to business with a cheerful heart. This was my scheme in marrying, had
it pleased heaven to prosper my plan. When I was a boy and came from
school and college, I used to see Mr. Bonnington, my father-in-law, with
HIS young ones clustering round about him, so happy to be with him! so
eager to wait on him! all down on their little knees round my mother
before breakfast or jumping up on his after dinner. It was who should
reach his hat, and who should bring his coat, and who should fetch his
umbrella, and who should get the last kiss.