The Fatal Boots

W >> William Makepeace Thackeray >> The Fatal Boots


I had a furious interview with Mrs. Stubbs; and when I charged her, the
base wretch! with cheating me, like a brazen serpent as she was, she
flung back the cheat in my teeth, and swore I had swindled her. Why did
I marry her, when she might have had twenty others? She only took me,
she said, because I had twenty thousand pounds. I HAD said I possessed
that sum; but in love, you know, and war all's fair.

We parted quite as angrily as we met; and I cordially vowed that when I
had paid the debt into which I had been swindled by her, I would take
my 2,000L. and depart to some desert island; or, at the very least, to
America, and never see her more, or any of her Israelitish brood. There
was no use in remaining in the spunging-house (for I knew that there
were such things as detainers, and that where Mrs. Stubbs owed a hundred
pounds, she might owe a thousand) so I sent for Mr. Nabb, and tendering
him a cheque for 150L. and his costs, requested to be let out forthwith.
"Here, fellow," said I, "is a cheque on Child's for your paltry sum."

"It may be a sheck on Shild's," says Mr. Nabb; "but I should be a baby
to let you out on such a paper as dat."

"Well," said I, "Child's is but a step from this: you may go and get the
cash,--just give me an acknowledgment."

Nabb drew out the acknowledgment with great punctuality, and set off
for the bankers', whilst I prepared myself for departure from this
abominable prison.

He smiled as he came in. "Well," said I, "you have touched your money;
and now, I must tell you, that you are the most infernal rogue and
extortioner I ever met with."

"Oh, no, Mishter Shtubbsh," says he, grinning still. "Dere is som
greater roag dan me,--mosh greater."

"Fellow," said I, "don't stand grinning before a gentleman; but give me
my hat and cloak, and let me leave your filthy den."

"Shtop, Shtubbsh," says he, not even Mistering me this time. "Here ish a
letter, vich you had better read."

I opened the letter; something fell to the ground:--it was my cheque.

The letter ran thus: "Messrs. Child and Co. present their compliments to
Captain Stubbs, and regret that they have been obliged to refuse payment
of the enclosed, having been served this day with an attachment by
Messrs. Solomonson and Co., which compels them to retain Captain Stubbs'
balance of 2,010L. 11s. 6d. until the decision of the suit of Solomonson
v. Stubbs.

"FLEET STREET."

"You see," says Mr. Nabb, as I read this dreadful letter--"you see,
Shtubbsh, dere vas two debts,--a little von and a big von. So dey
arrested you for de little von, and attashed your money for de big von."

Don't laugh at me for telling this story. If you knew what tears are
blotting over the paper as I write it--if you knew that for weeks after
I was more like a madman than a sane man,--a madman in the Fleet Prison,
where I went instead of to the desert island! What had I done to deserve
it? Hadn't I always kept an eye to the main chance? Hadn't I lived
economically, and not like other young men? Had I ever been known to
squander or give away a single penny? No! I can lay my hand on my heart,
and, thank heaven, say, No! Why, why was I punished so?

Let me conclude this miserable history. Seven months--my wife saw me
once or twice, and then dropped me altogether--I remained in that fatal
place. I wrote to my dear mamma, begging her to sell her furniture, but
got no answer. All my old friends turned their backs upon me. My action
went against me--I had not a penny to defend it. Solomonson proved my
wife's debt, and seized my two thousand pounds. As for the detainer
against me, I was obliged to go through the court for the relief of
insolvent debtors. I passed through it, and came out a beggar. But
fancy the malice of that wicked Stiffelkind: he appeared in court as my
creditor for 3L., with sixteen years' interest at five per cent, for a
PAIR OF TOP-BOOTS. The old thief produced them in court, and told the
whole story--Lord Cornwallis, the detection, the pumping and all.

Commissioner Dubobwig was very funny about it. "So Doctor Swishtail
would not pay you for the boots, eh, Mr. Stiffelkind?"

"No: he said, ven I asked him for payment, dey was ordered by a yong
boy, and I ought to have gone to his schoolmaster."

"What! then you came on a BOOTLESS errand, ay, sir?" (A laugh.)

"Bootless! no sare, I brought de boots back vid me. How de devil else
could I show dem to you?" (Another laugh.)

"You've never SOLED 'em since, Mr. Tickleshins?"

"I never would sell dem; I svore I never vood, on porpus to be revenged
on dat Stobbs."

"What! your wound has never been HEALED, eh?"

"Vat do you mean vid your bootless errands, and your soling and healing?
I tell you I have done vat I svore to do: I have exposed him at school;
I have broak off a marriage for him, ven he vould have had tventy
tousand pound; and now I have showed him up in a court of justice. Dat
is vat I 'ave done, and dat's enough." And then the old wretch went
down, whilst everybody was giggling and staring at poor me--as if I was
not miserable enough already.

"This seems the dearest pair of boots you ever had in your life, Mr.
Stubbs," said Commissioner Dubobwig very archly, and then he began to
inquire about the rest of my misfortunes.

In the fulness of my heart I told him the whole of them: how Mr.
Solomonson the attorney had introduced me to the rich widow, Mrs.
Manasseh, who had fifty thousand pounds, and an estate in the West
Indies. How I was married, and arrested on coming to town, and cast
in an action for two thousand pounds brought against me by this very
Solomonson for my wife's debts.

"Stop!" says a lawyer in the court. "Is this woman a showy black-haired
woman with one eye? very often drunk, with three children?--Solomonson,
short, with red hair?"

"Exactly so," said I, with tears in my eyes.

"That woman has married THREE MEN within the last two years. One in
Ireland, and one at Bath. A Solomonson is, I believe, her husband, and
they both are off for America ten days ago."

"But why did you not keep your 2,000L.?" said the lawyer.

"Sir, they attached it."

"Oh, well, we may pass you. You have been unlucky, Mr. Stubbs, but it
seems as if the biter had been bit in this affair."

"No," said Mr. Dubobwig. "Mr. Stubbs is the victim of a FATAL
ATTACHMENT."




NOVEMBER.--A GENERAL POST DELIVERY.

I was a free man when I went out of the Court; but I was a beggar--I,
Captain Stubbs, of the bold North Bungays, did not know where I could
get a bed, or a dinner.

As I was marching sadly down Portugal Street, I felt a hand on my
shoulder and a rough voice which I knew well.

"Vell, Mr. Stobbs, have I not kept my promise? I told you dem boots
would be your ruin."

I was much too miserable to reply; and only cast my eyes towards the
roofs of the houses, which I could not see for the tears.

"Vat! you begin to gry and blobber like a shild? you vood marry, vood
you? and noting vood do for you but a vife vid monny--ha, ha--but you
vere de pigeon, and she was de grow. She has plocked you, too, pretty
vell--eh? ha! ha!"

"Oh, Mr. Stiffelkind," said I, "don't laugh at my misery: she has not
left me a single shilling under heaven. And I shall starve: I do believe
I shall starve." And I began to cry fit to break my heart.

"Starf! stoff and nonsense! You vill never die of starfing--you vill die
of HANGING, I tink--ho! ho!--and it is moch easier vay too." I didn't
say a word, but cried on; till everybody in the street turned round and
stared.

"Come, come," said Stiffelkind, "do not gry, Gaptain Stobbs--it is not
goot for a Gaptain to gry--ha! ha! Dere--come vid me, and you shall have
a dinner, and a bregfast too,--vich shall gost you nothing, until you
can bay vid your earnings."

And so this curious old man, who had persecuted me all through my
prosperity, grew compassionate towards me in my ill-luck; and took me
home with him as he promised. "I saw your name among de Insolvents, and
I vowed, you know, to make you repent dem boots. Dere, now, it is done
and forgotten, look you. Here, Betty, Bettchen, make de spare bed, and
put a clean knife and fork; Lort Cornvallis is come to dine vid me."

I lived with this strange old man for six weeks. I kept his books, and
did what little I could to make myself useful: carrying about boots and
shoes, as if I had never borne his Majesty's commission. He gave me no
money, but he fed and lodged me comfortably. The men and boys used
to laugh, and call me General, and Lord Cornwallis, and all sorts of
nicknames; and old Stiffelkind made a thousand new ones for me.

One day I can recollect--one miserable day, as I was polishing on
the trees a pair of boots of Mr. Stiffelkind's manufacture--the old
gentleman came into the shop, with a lady on his arm.

"Vere is Gaptain Stobbs?" said he. "Vere is dat ornament to his
Majesty's service?"

I came in from the back shop, where I was polishing the boots, with one
of them in my hand.

"Look, my dear," says he, "here is an old friend of yours, his
Excellency Lort Cornvallis!--Who would have thought such a nobleman
vood turn shoeblack? Captain Stobbs, here is your former flame, my dear
niece, Miss Grotty. How could you, Magdalen, ever leaf such a lof of a
man? Shake hands vid her, Gaptain;--dere, never mind de blacking!" But
Miss drew back.

"I never shake hands with a SHOEBLACK," said she, mighty contemptuous.

"Bah! my lof, his fingers von't soil you. Don't you know he has just
been VITEVASHED?"

"I wish, uncle," says she, "you would not leave me with such low
people."

"Low, because he cleans boots? De Gaptain prefers PUMPS to boots I
tink--ha! ha!"

"Captain indeed! a nice Captain," says Miss Crutty, snapping her fingers
in my face, and walking away: "a Captain who has had his nose pulled!
ha! ha!"--And how could I help it? it wasn't by my own CHOICE that that
ruffian Waters took such liberties with me. Didn't I show how averse I
was to all quarrels by refusing altogether his challenge?--But such is
the world. And thus the people at Stiffelkind's used to tease me, until
they drove me almost mad.

At last he came home one day more merry and abusive than ever.
"Gaptain," says he, "I have goot news for you--a goot place. Your
lordship vill not be able to geep your garridge, but you vill be
gomfortable, and serve his Majesty."

"Serve his Majesty?" says I. "Dearest Mr. Stiffelkind, have you got me a
place under Government?"

"Yes, and somting better still--not only a place, but a uniform: yes,
Gaptain Stobbs, a RED GOAT."

"A red coat! I hope you don't think I would demean myself by entering
the ranks of the army? I am a gentleman, Mr. Stiffelkind--I can
never--no, I never--"

"No, I know you will never--you are too great a goward--ha! ha!--though
dis is a red goat, and a place where you must give some HARD KNOCKS
too--ha! ha!--do you gomprehend?--and you shall be a general instead of
a gaptain--ha! ha!"

"A general in a red coat, Mr. Stiffelkind?"

"Yes, a GENERAL BOSTMAN!--ha! ha! I have been vid your old friend,
Bunting, and he has an uncle in the Post Office, and he has got you de
place--eighteen shillings a veek, you rogue, and your goat. You must not
oben any of de letters you know."

And so it was--I, Robert Stubbs, Esquire, became the vile thing he
named--a general postman!

*****

I was so disgusted with Stiffelkind's brutal jokes, which were now more
brutal than ever, that when I got my place in the Post Office, I never
went near the fellow again: for though he had done me a favor in
keeping me from starvation, he certainly had done it in a very rude,
disagreeable manner, and showed a low and mean spirit in SHOVING me
into such a degraded place as that of postman. But what had I to do? I
submitted to fate, and for three years or more, Robert Stubbs, of the
North Bungay Fencibles, was--

I wonder nobody recognized me. I lived in daily fear the first year: but
afterwards grew accustomed to my situation, as all great men will do,
and wore my red coat as naturally as if I had been sent into the world
only for the purpose of being a letter-carrier.

I was first in the Whitechapel district, where I stayed for nearly three
years, when I was transferred to Jermyn Street and Duke Street--famous
places for lodgings. I suppose I left a hundred letters at a house in
the latter street, where lived some people who must have recognized me
had they but once chanced to look at me.

You see that when I left Sloffemsquiggle, and set out in the gay world,
my mamma had written to me a dozen times at least; but I never answered
her, for I knew she wanted money, and I detest writing. Well, she
stopped her letters, finding she could get none from me:--but when I was
in the Fleet, as I told you, I wrote repeatedly to my dear mamma, and
was not a little nettled at her refusing to notice me in my distress,
which is the very time one most wants notice.

Stubbs is not an uncommon name; and though I saw MRS. STUBBS on a little
bright brass plate, in Duke street, and delivered so many letters to the
lodgers in her house, I never thought of asking who she was, or whether
she was my relation, or not.

One day the young woman who took in the letters had not got change, and
she called her mistress. An old lady in a poke-bonnet came out of the
parlor, and put on her spectacles, and looked at the letter, and fumbled
in her pocket for eightpence, and apologized to the postman for keeping
him waiting. And when I said, "Never mind, Ma'am, it's no trouble,"
the old lady gave a start, and then she pulled off her spectacles, and
staggered back; and then she began muttering, as if about to choke;
and then she gave a great screech, and flung herself into my arms, and
roared out, "MY SON, MY SON!"

"Law, mamma," said I, "is that you?" and I sat down on the hall bench
with her, and let her kiss me as much as ever she liked. Hearing the
whining and crying, down comes another lady from up stairs,--it was my
sister Eliza; and down come the lodgers. And the maid gets water and
what not, and I was the regular hero of the group. I could not stay
long then, having my letters to deliver. But, in the evening, after
mail-time, I went back to my mamma and sister; and, over a bottle of
prime old port, and a precious good leg of boiled mutton and turnips,
made myself pretty comfortable, I can tell you.




DECEMBER.--"THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT."

Mamma had kept the house in Duke Street for more than two years. I
recollected some of the chairs and tables from dear old Sloffemsquiggle,
and the bowl in which I had made that famous rum-punch, the evening she
went away, which she and my sisters left untouched, and I was obliged to
drink after they were gone; but that's not to the purpose.

Think of my sister Lucy's luck! that chap, Waters, fell in love with
her, and married her; and she now keeps her carriage, and lives in state
near Sloffemsquiggle. I offered to make it up with Waters; but he bears
malice, and never will see or speak to me.--He had the impudence, too,
to say, that he took in all letters for mamma at Sloffemsquiggle; and
that as mine were all begging-letters, he burned them, and never said a
word to her concerning them. He allowed mamma fifty pounds a year, and,
if she were not such a fool, she might have had three times as much; but
the old lady was high and mighty forsooth, and would not be beholden,
even to her own daughter, for more than she actually wanted. Even this
fifty pound she was going to refuse; but when I came to live with her,
of course I wanted pocket-money as well as board and lodging, and so
I had the fifty pounds for MY share, and eked out with it as well as I
could.

Old Bates and the Captain, between them, gave mamma a hundred pounds
when she left me (she had the deuce's own luck, to be sure--much more
than ever fell to ME, I know) and as she said she WOULD try and work for
her living, it was thought best to take a house and let lodgings, which
she did. Our first and second floor paid us four guineas a week, on an
average; and the front parlor and attic made forty pounds more. Mamma
and Eliza used to have the front attic: but I took that, and they slept
in the servants' bedroom. Lizzy had a pretty genius for work, and earned
a guinea a week that way; so that we had got nearly two hundred a year
over the rent to keep house with,--and we got on pretty well. Besides,
women eat nothing: my women didn't care for meat for days together
sometimes,--so that it was only necessary to dress a good steak or so
for me.

Mamma would not think of my continuing in the Post Office. She said
her dear Robert, her husband's son, her gallant soldier, and all that,
should remain at home and be a gentleman--which I was, certainly, though
I didn't find fifty pounds a year very much to buy clothes and be a
gentleman upon. To be sure, mother found me shirts and linen, so that
THAT wasn't in the fifty pounds. She kicked a little at paying the
washing too; but she gave in at last, for I was her dear Bob, you know;
and I'm blest if I could not make her give me the gown off her back.
Fancy! once she cut up a very nice rich black silk scarf, which my
sister Waters sent her, and made me a waistcoat and two stocks of it.
She was so VERY soft, the old lady!

*****

I'd lived in this way for five years or more, making myself content
with my fifty pounds a year (PERHAPS I had saved a little out of it; but
that's neither here nor there). From year's end to year's end I remained
faithful to my dear mamma, never leaving her except for a month or so
in the summer--when a bachelor may take a trip to Gravesend or Margate,
which would be too expensive for a family. I say a bachelor, for the
fact is, I don't know whether I am married or not--never having heard a
word since of the scoundrelly Mrs. Stubbs.

I never went to the public-house before meals: for, with my beggarly
fifty pounds, I could not afford to dine away from home: but there I had
my regular seat, and used to come home PRETTY GLORIOUS, I can tell you.
Then bed till eleven; then breakfast and the newspaper; then a stroll in
Hyde Park or St. James's; then home at half-past three to dinner--when
I jollied, as I call it, for the rest of the day. I was my mother's
delight; and thus, with a clear conscience, I managed to live on.

*****

How fond she was of me, to be sure! Being sociable myself, and loving
to have my friends about me, we often used to assemble a company of as
hearty fellows as you would wish to sit down with, and keep the nights
up royally. "Never mind, my boys," I used to say. "Send the bottle
round: mammy pays for all." As she did, sure enough: and sure enough we
punished her cellar too. The good old lady used to wait upon us, as
if for all the world she had been my servant, instead of a lady and my
mamma. Never used she to repine, though I often, as I must confess, gave
her occasion (keeping her up till four o'clock in the morning, because
she never could sleep until she saw her "dear Bob" in bed, and leading
her a sad anxious life). She was of such a sweet temper, the old lady,
that I think in the course of five years I never knew her in a passion,
except twice: and then with sister Lizzy, who declared I was ruining
the house, and driving the lodgers away, one by one. But mamma would
not hear of such envious spite on my sister's part. "Her Bob" was
always right, she said. At last Lizzy fairly retreated, and went to the
Waters's.--I was glad of it, for her temper was dreadful, and we used to
be squabbling from morning till night!

Ah, those WERE jolly times! but Ma was obliged to give up the
lodging-house at last--for, somehow, things went wrong after my sister's
departure--the nasty uncharitable people said, on account of ME; because
I drove away the lodgers by smoking and drinking, and kicking up noises
in the house; and because Ma gave me so much of her money:--so she did,
but if she WOULD give it, you know, how could I help it? Heigho! I wish
I'd KEPT it.

No such luck. The business I thought was to last for ever: but at the
end of two years came a smash--shut up shop--sell off everything. Mamma
went to the Waters's: and, will you believe it? the ungrateful wretches
would not receive me! that Mary, you see, was SO disappointed at not
marrying me. Twenty pounds a year they allow, it is true; but what's
that for a gentleman? For twenty years I have been struggling manfully
to gain an honest livelihood, and, in the course of them, have seen a
deal of life, to be sure. I've sold cigars and pocket-handkerchiefs
at the corners of streets; I've been a billiard-marker; I've been a
director (in the panic year) of the Imperial British Consolidated Mangle
and Drying Ground Company. I've been on the stage (for two years as an
actor, and about a month as a cad, when I was very low); I've been
the means of giving to the police of this empire some very valuable
information (about licensed victuallers, gentlemen's carts, and
pawnbrokers' names); I've been very nearly an officer again--that is,
an assistant to an officer of the Sheriff of Middlesex: it was my last
place.

On the last day of the year 1837, even THAT game was up. It's a
thing that very seldom happened to a gentleman, to be kicked out of
a spunging-house; but such was my case. Young Nabb (who succeeded his
father) drove me ignominiously from his door, because I had charged a
gentleman in the coffee-rooms seven-and-sixpence for a glass of ale and
bread and cheese, the charge of the house being only six shillings. He
had the meanness to deduct the eighteenpence from my wages, and because
I blustered a bit, he took me by the shoulders and turned me out--me, a
gentleman, and, what is more, a poor orphan!

How I did rage and swear at him when I got out into the street! There
stood he, the hideous Jew monster, at the double door, writhing under
the effect of my language. I had my revenge! Heads were thrust out of
every bar of his windows, laughing at him. A crowd gathered round me,
as I stood pounding him with my satire, and they evidently enjoyed his
discomfiture. I think the mob would have pelted the ruffian to death
(one or two of their missiles hit ME, I can tell you), when a policeman
came up, and in reply to a gentleman, who was asking what was the
disturbance, said, "Bless you, sir, it's Lord Cornwallis." "Move on,
BOOTS," said the fellow to me; for the fact is, my misfortunes and early
life are pretty well known--and so the crowd dispersed.

"What could have made that policeman call you Lord Cornwallis and
Boots?" said the gentleman, who seemed mightily amused, and had followed
me. "Sir," says I, "I am an unfortunate officer of the North Bungay
Fencibles, and I'll tell you willingly for a pint of beer." He told me
to follow him to his chambers in the Temple, which I did (a five-pair
back), and there, sure enough, I had the beer; and told him this very
story you've been reading. You see he is what is called a literary
man--and sold my adventures for me to the booksellers; he's a strange
chap; and says they're MORAL.

*****

I'm blest if I can see anything moral in them. I'm sure I ought to have
been more lucky through life, being so very wide awake. And yet here I
am, without a place, or even a friend, starving upon a beggarly twenty
pounds a year--not a single sixpence more, upon MY HONOR.