Stories By English Authors: London

V >> Various >> Stories By English Authors: London

STORIES BY ENGLISH AUTHORS

LONDON



CONTENTS:

THE INCONSIDERATE WAITER, J. M. Barrie
THE BLACK POODLE, F. Anstey
THAT BRUTE SIMMONS, Arthur Morrison
A ROSE OF THE GHETTO, I. Zangwill
AN IDYL OF LONDON, Beatrice Harraden
THE OMNIBUS, "Q" [Quiller-Couch]
THE HIRED BABY, Marie Correlli




THE INCONSIDERATE WAITER, By J. M. BARRIE


Frequently I have to ask myself in the street for the name of the man I
bowed to just now, and then, before I can answer, the wind of the first
corner blows him from my memory. I have a theory, however, that those
puzzling faces, which pass before I can see who cut the coat, all belong
to club waiters.

Until William forced his affairs upon me that was all I did know of
the private life of waiters, though I have been in the club for twenty
years. I was even unaware whether they slept downstairs or had their own
homes; nor had I the interest to inquire of other members, nor they the
knowledge to inform me. I hold that this sort of people should be fed
and clothed and given airing and wives and children, and I subscribe
yearly, I believe for these purposes; but to come into closer relation
with waiters is bad form; they are club fittings, and William should
have kept his distress to himself, or taken it away and patched it up
like a rent in one of the chairs. His inconsiderateness has been a pair
of spectacles to me for months.

It is not correct taste to know the name of a club waiter, so I must
apologise for knowing William's, and still more for not forgetting it.
If, again, to speak of a waiter is bad form, to speak bitterly is the
comic degree of it. But William has disappointed me sorely. There were
years when I would defer dining several minutes that he might wait
on me. His pains to reserve the window-seat for me were perfectly
satisfactory. I allowed him privileges, as to suggest dishes, and
would give him information, as that some one had startled me in the
reading-room by slamming a door. I have shown him how I cut my finger
with a piece of string. Obviously he was gratified by these attentions,
usually recommending a liqueur; and I fancy he must have understood my
sufferings, for he often looked ill himself. Probably he was rheumatic,
but I cannot say for certain, as I never thought of asking, and he had
the sense to see that the knowledge would be offensive to me.

In the smoking-room we have a waiter so independent that once, when
he brought me a yellow chartreuse, and I said I had ordered green,
he replied, "No, sir; you said yellow." William could never have been
guilty of such effrontery. In appearance, of course, he is mean, but I
can no more describe him than a milkmaid could draw cows. I suppose we
distinguish one waiter from another much as we pick our hat from the
rack. We could have plotted a murder safely before William. He never
presumed to have any opinions of his own. When such was my mood he
remained silent, and if I announced that something diverting had
happened to me he laughed before I told him what it was. He turned the
twinkle in his eye off or on at my bidding as readily as if it was the
gas. To my "Sure to be wet to-morrow," he would reply, "Yes, sir;" and
to Trelawney's "It doesn't look like rain," two minutes afterward, he
would reply, "No, sir." It was one member who said Lightning Rod would
win the Derby and another who said Lightning Rod had no chance, but it
was William who agreed with both. He was like a cheroot, which may be
smoked from either end. So used was I to him that, had he died or got
another situation (or whatever it is such persons do when they disappear
from the club), I should probably have told the head waiter to bring him
back, as I disliked changes.

It would not become me to know precisely when I began to think William
an ingrate, but I date his lapse from the evening when he brought me
oysters. I detest oysters, and no one knew it better than William. He
has agreed with me that he could not understand any gentleman's liking
them. Between me and a certain member who smacks his lips twelve times
to a dozen of them William knew I liked a screen to be placed until we
had reached the soup, and yet he gave me the oysters and the other man
my sardine. Both the other member and I quickly called for brandy and
the head waiter. To do William justice, he shook, but never can I forget
his audacious explanation: "Beg pardon, sir, but I was thinking of
something else."

In these words William had flung off the mask, and now I knew him for
what he was.

I must not be accused of bad form for looking at William on the
following evening. What prompted me to do so was not personal interest
in him, but a desire to see whether I dare let him wait on me again. So,
recalling that a caster was off a chair yesterday, one is entitled to
make sure that it is on to-day before sitting down. If the expression
is not too strong, I may say that I was taken aback by William's manner.
Even when crossing the room to take my orders he let his one hand play
nervously with the other. I had to repeat "Sardine on toast" twice, and
instead of answering "Yes, sir," as if my selection of sardine on toast
was a personal gratification to him, which is the manner one expects
of a waiter, he glanced at the clock, then out at the window, and,
starting, asked, "Did you say sardine on toast, sir?"

It was the height of summer, when London smells like a chemist's shop,
and he who has the dinner-table at the window needs no candles to
show him his knife and fork. I lay back at intervals, now watching a
starved-looking woman sleep on a door-step, and again complaining of the
club bananas. By-and-by I saw a girl of the commonest kind, ill-clad and
dirty, as all these Arabs are. Their parents should be compelled to feed
and clothe them comfortably, or at least to keep them indoors, where
they cannot offend our eyes. Such children are for pushing aside with
one's umbrella; but this girl I noticed because she was gazing at the
club windows. She had stood thus for perhaps ten minutes when I became
aware that some one was leaning over me to look out at the window. I
turned round. Conceive my indignation on seeing that the rude person was
William.

"How dare you, William?" I said, sternly. He seemed not to hear me. Let
me tell, in the measured words of one describing a past incident, what
then took place. To get nearer the window he pressed heavily on my
shoulder.

"William, you forget yourself!" I said, meaning--as I see now--that he
had forgotten me.

I heard him gulp, but not to my reprimand. He was scanning the street.
His hands chattered on my shoulder, and, pushing him from me, I saw that
his mouth was agape.

"What are you looking for?" I asked.

He stared at me, and then, like one who had at last heard the echo of my
question, seemed to be brought back to the club. He turned his face from
me for an instant, and answered shakily:

"I beg your pardon, sir! I--I shouldn't have done it. Are the bananas
too ripe, sir?"

He recommended the nuts, and awaited my verdict so anxiously while I ate
one that I was about to speak graciously, when I again saw his eyes drag
him to the window.

"William," I said, my patience giving way at last, "I dislike being
waited on by a melancholy waiter."

"Yes, sir," he replied, trying to smile, and then broke out
passionately, "For God's sake, sir, tell me, have you seen a little girl
looking in at the club windows?"

He had been a good waiter once, and his distracted visage was spoiling
my dinner.

"There," I said, pointing to the girl, and no doubt would have added
that he must bring me coffee immediately, had he continued to listen.
But already he was beckoning to the child. I have not the least interest
in her (indeed, it had never struck me that waiters had private affairs,
and I still think it a pity that they should have); but as I happened to
be looking out at the window I could not avoid seeing what occurred.
As soon as the girl saw William she ran into the street, regardless of
vehicles, and nodded three times to him. Then she disappeared.

I have said that she was quite a common child, without attraction of
any sort, and yet it was amazing the difference she made in William. He
gasped relief, like one who had broken through the anxiety that checks
breathing, and into his face there came a silly laugh of happiness. I
had dined well, on the whole, so I said:

"I am glad to see you cheerful again, William."

I meant that I approved his cheerfulness because it helped my digestion,
but he must needs think I was sympathising with him.

"Thank you, sir," he answered. "Oh, sir! when she nodded and I saw it
was all right I could have gone down on my knees to God."

I was as much horrified as if he had dropped a plate on my toes. Even
William, disgracefully emotional as he was at the moment, flung out his
arms to recall the shameful words.

"Coffee, William!" I said, sharply.

I sipped my coffee indignantly, for it was plain to me that William had
something on his mind.

"You are not vexed with me, sir?" he had the hardihood to whisper.

"It was a liberty," I said.

"I know, sir; but I was beside myself."

"That was a liberty also."

He hesitated, and then blurted out:

"It is my wife, sir. She--"

I stopped him with my hand. William, whom I had favoured in so many
ways, was a married man! I might have guessed as much years before had I
ever reflected about waiters, for I knew vaguely that his class did
this sort of thing. His confession was distasteful to me, and I said
warningly:

"Remember where you are, William."

"Yes, sir; but you see, she is so delicate--"

"Delicate! I forbid your speaking to me on unpleasant topics."

"Yes, sir; begging your pardon."

It was characteristic of William to beg my pardon and withdraw his wife,
like some unsuccessful dish, as if its taste would not remain in the
mouth. I shall be chided for questioning him further about his
wife, but, though doubtless an unusual step, it was only bad form
superficially, for my motive was irreproachable. I inquired for his
wife, not because I was interested in her welfare, but in the hope of
allaying my irritation. So I am entitled to invite the wayfarer who has
bespattered me with mud to scrape it off.

I desired to be told by William that the girl's signals meant his
wife's recovery to health. He should have seen that such was my wish
and answered accordingly. But, with the brutal inconsiderateness of his
class, he said:

"She has had a good day; but the doctor, he--the doctor is afeard she is
dying."

Already I repented my questions. William and his wife seemed in league
against me, when they might so easily have chosen some other member.

"Pooh! the doctor," I said.

"Yes, sir," he answered.

"Have you been married long, William?"

"Eight years, sir. Eight years ago she was--I--I mind her when . . . and
now the doctor says--"

The fellow gaped at me. "More coffee, sir?" he asked.

"What is her ailment?"

"She was always one of the delicate kind, but full of spirit, and--and
you see, she has had a baby lately--"

"William!"

"And she--I--the doctor is afeard she's not picking up."

"I feel sure she will pick up."

"Yes, sir?"

It must have been the wine I had drunk that made me tell him:

"I was once married, William. My wife--it was just such a case as
yours."

"She did not get better sir?"

"No."

After a pause he said, "Thank you, sir," meaning for the sympathy that
made me tell him that. But it must have been the wine.

"That little girl comes here with a message from your wife?"

"Yes; if she nods three times it means my wife is a little better."

"She nodded thrice to-day."

"But she is told to do that to relieve me, and maybe those nods don't
tell the truth."

"Is she your girl?"

"No; we have none but the baby. She is a neighbour's; she comes twice a
day."

"It is heartless of her parents not to send her every hour."

"But she is six years old," he said, "and has a house and two sisters
to look after in the daytime, and a dinner to cook. Gentlefolk don't
understand."

"I suppose you live in some low part, William."

"Off Drury Lane," he answered, flushing; "but--but it isn't low. You
see, we were never used to anything better, and I mind when I let her
see the house before we were married, she--she a sort of cried because
she was so proud of it. That was eight years ago, and now--she's afeard
she'll die when I'm away at my work."

"Did she tell you that?"

"Never; she always says she is feeling a little stronger."

"Then how can you know she is afraid of that?"

"I don't know how I know, sir; but when I am leaving the house in the
morning I look at her from the door, and she looks at me, and then I--I
know."

"A green chartreuse, William!"


I tried to forget William's vulgar story in billiards, but he had
spoiled my game. My opponent, to whom I can give twenty, ran out when
I was sixty-seven, and I put aside my cue pettishly. That in itself
was bad form, but what would they have thought had they known that a
waiter's impertinence caused it! I grew angrier with William as the
night wore on, and next day I punished him by giving my orders through
another waiter.

As I had my window-seat, I could not but see that the girl was late
again. Somehow I dawdled over my coffee. I had an evening paper before
me, but there was so little in it that my eyes found more of interest
in the street. It did not matter to me whether William's wife died, but
when that girl had promised to come, why did she not come? These lower
classes only give their word to break it. The coffee was undrinkable.

At last I saw her. William was at another window, pretending to do
something with the curtains. I stood up, pressing closer to the window.
The coffee had been so bad that I felt shaky. She nodded three times,
and smiled.

"She is a little better," William whispered to me, almost gaily.

"Whom are you speaking of?" I asked, coldly, and immediately retired to
the billiard-room, where I played a capital game. The coffee was much
better there than in the dining-room.

Several days passed, and I took care to show William that I had
forgotten his maunderings. I chanced to see the little girl (though I
never looked for her) every evening, and she always nodded three times,
save once, when she shook her head, and then William's face grew white
as a napkin. I remember this incident because that night I could not get
into a pocket. So badly did I play that the thought of it kept me awake
in bed, and that, again, made me wonder how William's wife was. Next day
I went to the club early (which was not my custom) to see the new books.
Being in the club at any rate, I looked into the dining-room to ask
William if I had left my gloves there, and the sight of him reminded
me of his wife; so I asked for her. He shook his head mournfully, and I
went off in a rage.

So accustomed am I to the club that when I dine elsewhere I feel
uncomfortable next morning, as if I had missed a dinner. William knew
this; yet here he was, hounding me out of the club! That evening I dined
(as the saying is) at a restaurant, where no sauce was served with the
asparagus. Furthermore, as if that were not triumph enough for William,
his doleful face came between me and every dish, and I seemed to see his
wife dying to annoy me.

I dined next day at the club for self-preservation, taking, however,
a table in the middle of the room, and engaging a waiter who had once
nearly poisoned me by not interfering when I put two lumps of sugar into
my coffee instead of one, which is my allowance. But no William came to
me to acknowledge his humiliation, and by-and-by I became aware that he
was not in the room. Suddenly the thought struck me that his wife must
be dead, and I--It was the worst cooked and the worst served dinner I
ever had in the club.

I tried the smoking-room. Usually the talk there is entertaining, but on
that occasion it was so frivolous that I did not remain five minutes.
In the card-room a member told me excitedly that a policeman had spoken
rudely to him; and my strange comment was:

"After all, it is a small matter."

In the library, where I had not been for years, I found two members
asleep, and, to my surprise, William on a ladder dusting books.

"You have not heard, sir?" he said, in answer to my raised eyebrows.
Descending the ladder, he whispered tragically: "It was last evening,
sir. I--I lost my head, and I--swore at a member."

I stepped back from William, and glanced apprehensively at the two
members. They still slept.

"I hardly knew," William went on, "what I was doing all day yesterday,
for I had left my wife so weakly that--"

I stamped my foot.

"I beg your pardon for speaking of her," he had the grace to say, "but
I couldn't help slipping up to the window often yesterday to look for
Jenny, and when she did come, and I saw she was crying, it--it sort
of confused me, and I didn't know right, sir, what I was doing. I hit
against a member, Mr. Myddleton Finch, and he--he jumped and swore at
me. Well, sir, I had just touched him after all, and I was so miserable,
it a kind of stung me to be treated like--like that, and me a man as
well as him; and I lost my senses, and--and I swore back."

William's shamed head sank on his chest, but I even let pass his
insolence in likening himself to a member of the club, so afraid was I
of the sleepers waking and detecting me in talk with a waiter.

"For the love of God," William cried, with coarse emotion, "don't let
them dismiss me!"

"Speak lower!" I said. "Who sent you here?"

"I was turned out of the dining-room at once, and told to attend to the
library until they had decided what to do with me. Oh, sir, I'll lose my
place!"

He was blubbering, as if a change of waiters, was a matter of
importance.

"This is very bad, William," I said. "I fear I can do nothing for you."

"Have mercy on a distracted man!" he entreated. "I'll go on my knees to
Mr. Myddleton Finch."

How could I but despise a fellow who would be thus abject for a pound a
week?

"I dare not tell her," he continued, "that I have lost my place. She
would just fall back and die."

"I forbade your speaking of your wife," I said, sharply, "unless you can
speak pleasantly of her."

"But she may be worse now, sir, and I cannot even see Jenny from here.
The library windows look to the back."

"If she dies," I said, "it will be a warning to you to marry a stronger
woman next time."

Now every one knows that there is little real affection among the
lower orders. As soon as they have lost one mate they take another. Yet
William, forgetting our relative positions, drew himself up and raised
his fist, and if I had not stepped back I swear he would have struck me.

The highly improper words William used I will omit, out of consideration
for him. Even while he was apologising for them I retired to the
smoking-room, where I found the cigarettes so badly rolled that they
would not keep alight. After a little I remembered that I wanted to see
Myddleton Finch about an improved saddle of which a friend of his has
the patent. He was in the newsroom, and, having questioned him about the
saddle, I said:

"By the way, what is this story about your swearing at one of the
waiters?"

"You mean about his swearing at me," Myddleton Finch replied, reddening.

"I am glad that was it," I said; "for I could not believe you guilty of
such bad form."

"If I did swear--" he was beginning, but I went on:

"The version which has reached me was that you swore at him, and he
repeated the word. I heard he was to be dismissed and you reprimanded."

"Who told you that?" asked Myddleton Finch, who is a timid man.

"I forget; it is club talk," I replied, lightly. "But of course the
committee will take your word. The waiter, whichever one he is, richly
deserves his dismissal for insulting you without provocation."

Then our talk returned to the saddle, but Myddleton Finch was
abstracted, and presently he said:

"Do you know, I fancy I was wrong in thinking that the waiter swore at
me, and I'll withdraw my charge to-morrow."

Myddleton Finch then left me, and, sitting alone, I realised that I
had been doing William a service. To some slight extent I may have
intentionally helped him to retain his place in the club, and I now see
the reason, which was that he alone knows precisely to what extent I
like my claret heated.

For a mere second I remembered William's remark that he should not
be able to see the girl Jenny from the library windows. Then this
recollection drove from my head that I had only dined in the sense that
my dinner-bill was paid. Returning to the dining-room, I happened to
take my chair at the window, and while I was eating a deviled kidney
I saw in the street the girl whose nods had such an absurd effect on
William.

The children of the poor are as thoughtless as their parents, and this
Jenny did not sign to the windows in the hope that William might see
her, though she could not see him. Her face, which was disgracefully
dirty, bore doubt and dismay on it, but whether she brought good news
it would not tell. Somehow I had expected her to signal when she saw
me, and, though her message could not interest me, I was in the mood in
which one is irritated at that not taking place which he is awaiting.
Ultimately she seemed to be making up her mind to go away.

A boy was passing with the evening papers, and I hurried out to get
one, rather thoughtlessly, for we have all the papers in the club.
Unfortunately, I misunderstood the direction the boy had taken; but
round the first corner (out of sight of the club windows) I saw the girl
Jenny, and so asked her how William's wife was.

"Did he send you to me?" she replied, impertinently taking me for a
waiter. "My!" she added, after a second scrutiny, "I b'lieve you're one
of them. His missis is a bit better, and I was to tell him as she took
all the tapiocar."

"How could you tell him?" I asked.

"I was to do like this," she replied, and went through the supping of
something out of a plate in dumb-show.

"That would not show she ate all the tapioca," I said.

"But I was to end like this," she answered, licking an imaginary plate
with her tongue.

I gave her a shilling (to get rid of her), and returned to the club
disgusted.


Later in the evening I had to go to the club library for a book, and
while William was looking in vain for it (I had forgotten the title) I
said to him:

"By the way, William, Mr. Myddleton Finch is to tell the committee
that he was mistaken in the charge he brought against you, so you will
doubtless be restored to the dining-room to-morrow."

The two members were still in their chairs, probably sleeping lightly;
yet he had the effrontery to thank me.

"Don't thank me," I said, blushing at the imputation. "Remember your
place, William!"

"But Mr. Myddleton Finch knew I swore," he insisted.

"A gentleman," I replied, stiffly, "cannot remember for twenty-four
hours what a waiter has said to him."

"No, sir; but--"

To stop him I had to say: "And, ah, William, your wife is a little
better. She has eaten the tapioca--all of it."

"How can your know, sir?"

"By an accident."

"Jenny signed to the window?"

"No."

"Then you saw her, and went out, and--"

"Nonsense!"

"Oh, sir, to do that for me! May God bl--"

"William!"

"Forgive me, sir; but--when I tell my missis, she will say it was
thought of your own wife as made you do it."

He wrung my hand. I dared not withdraw it, lest we should waken the
sleepers.


William returned to the dining-room, and I had to show him that if he
did not cease looking gratefully at me I must change my waiter. I also
ordered him to stop telling me nightly how his wife was, but I continued
to know, as I could not help seeing the girl Jenny from the window.
Twice in a week I learned from this objectionable child that the ailing
woman had again eaten all the tapioca. Then I became suspicious of
William. I will tell why.

It began with a remark of Captain Upjohn's. We had been speaking of the
inconvenience of not being able to get a hot dish served after 1 A.M.,
and he said:

"It is because these lazy waiters would strike. If the beggars had a
love of their work they would not rush away from the club the moment one
o'clock strikes. That glum fellow who often waits on you takes to his
heels the moment he is clear of the club steps. He ran into me the other
night at the top of the street, and was off without apologising."

"You mean the foot of the street, Upjohn," I said; for such is the way
to Drury Lane.

"No; I mean the top. The man was running west."

"East."

"West."

I smiled, which so annoyed him that he bet me two to one in sovereigns.
The bet could have been decided most quickly by asking William a
question, but I thought, foolishly doubtless, that it might hurt his
feelings, so I watched him leave the club. The possibility of Upjohn's
winning the bet had seemed remote to me. Conceive my surprise, therefore
when William went westward.