The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen

R >> Rudolph Erich Raspe >> The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen


My blood ran cold at the idea, while every one on the island also
expressed his horror that such an iniquitous traffic should be suffered
to exist. But, except by open violence, it was found impossible to
destroy the trade, on account of a barbarous prejudice, entertained of
late by the negroes, that the white people have no souls! However, we
were determined to attack them, and steering down our island upon them,
soon overwhelmed them: we saved as many of the white people as possible,
but pushed all the blacks into the water again. The poor creatures
we saved from slavery were so overjoyed, that they wept aloud through
gratitude, and we experienced every delightful sensation to think
what happiness we should shower upon their parents, their brothers and
sisters and children, by bringing them home safe, redeemed from slavery,
to the bosom of their native country.

Having happily arrived in England, I immediately laid a statement of
my voyage, &c., before the Privy Council, and entreated an immediate
assistance to travel into Africa, and, if possible, refit my former
machine, and take it along with the rest. Everything was instantly
granted to my satisfaction, and I received orders to get myself ready
for departure as soon as possible.

As the Emperor of China had sent a most curious animal as a present
to Europe, which was kept in the Tower, and it being of an enormous
stature, and capable of performing the voyage with _eclat_, she was
ordered to attend me. She was called Sphinx, and was one of the most
tremendous though magnificent figures I ever beheld. She was harnessed
with superb trappings to a large flat-bottomed boat, in which was placed
an edifice of wood, exactly resembling Westminster Hall. Two balloons
were placed over it, tackled by a number of ropes to the boat, to keep
up a proper equilibrium, and prevent it from overturning, or filling,
from the prodigious weight of the fabric.

The interior of the edifice was decorated with seats, in the form of
an amphitheatre, and crammed as full as it could hold with ladies and
lords, as a council and retinue for your humble servant. Nearly in the
centre was a seat elegantly decorated for myself, and on either side of
me were placed the famous Gog and Magog in all their pomp.

The Lord Viscount Gosamer being our postillion, we floated gallantly
down the river, the noble Sphinx gambolling like the huge leviathan, and
towing after her the boat and balloons.

Thus we advanced, sailing gently, into the open sea; being calm weather,
we could scarcely feel the motion of the vehicle, and passed our time
in grand debate upon the glorious intention of our voyage, and the
discoveries that would result.

"I am of opinion," said my noble friend, Hilaro Frosticos, "that Africa
was originally inhabited for the greater part, or, I may say, subjugated
by lions which, next to man, seem to be the most dreaded of all mortal
tyrants. The country in general--at least, what we have been hitherto
able to discover, seems rather inimical to human life; the intolerable
dryness of the place, the burning sands that overwhelm whole armies
and cities in general ruin, and the hideous life many roving hordes are
compelled to lead, incline me to think, that if ever we form any great
settlements therein, it will become the grave of our countrymen. Yet it
is nearer to us than the East Indies, and I cannot but imagine, that in
many places every production of China, and of the East and West Indies,
would flourish, if properly attended to. And as the country is so
prodigiously extensive and unknown, what a source of discovery must not
it contain! In fact, we know less about the interior of Africa than we
do of the moon; for in this latter we measure the very prominences,
and observe the varieties and inequalities of the surface through our
glasses--

"Forests and mountains on her spotted orb.

"But we see nothing in the interior of Africa, but what some compilers
of maps or geographers are fanciful enough to imagine. What a happy
event, therefore, should we not expect from a voyage of discovery and
colonisation undertaken in so magnificent a style as the present! what a
pride--what an acquisition to philosophy!"



CHAPTER XXV

_Count Gosamer thrown by Sphinx into the snow on the top of
Teneriffe--Gog and Magog conduct Sphinx for the rest of the voyage--The
Baron arrives at the Cape, and unites his former chariot, &c., to
his new retinue--Passes into Africa, proceeding from the Cape
northwards--Defeats a host of lions by a curious stratagem--Travels
through an immense desert--His whole company, chariot, &c., overwhelmed
by a whirlwind of sand--Extricates them, and arrives in a fertile
country._

The brave Count Gosamer, with a pair of hell-fire spurs on, riding upon
Sphinx, directed the whole retinue towards the Madeiras. But the Count
had no small share of an amiable vanity, and perceiving great multitudes
of people, Gascons, &c., assembled upon the French coast, he could not
refrain from showing some singular capers, such as they had never seen
before: but especially when he observed all the members of the National
Assembly extend themselves along the shore, as a piece of French
politeness, to honour this expedition, with Rousseau, Voltaire, and
Beelzebub at their head; he set spurs to Sphinx, and at the same time
cut and cracked away as hard as he could, holding in the reins with all
his might, striving to make the creature plunge and show some uncommon
diversion. But sulky and ill-tempered was Sphinx at the time: she
plunged indeed--such a devil of a plunge, that she dashed him in one
jerk over her head, and he fell precipitately into the water before her.
It was in the Bay of Biscay, all the world knows a very boisterous sea,
and Sphinx, fearing he would be drowned, never turned to the left or
the right out of her way, but advancing furious, just stooped her head
a little, and supped the poor count off the water, into her mouth,
together with the quantity of two or three tuns of water, which she
must have taken in along with him, but which were, to such an enormous
creature as Sphinx, nothing more than a spoonful would be to any of you
or me. She swallowed him, but when she had got him in her stomach, his
long spurs so scratched and tickled her, that they produced the effect
of an emetic. No sooner was he in, but out he was squirted with the
most horrible impetuosity, like a ball or a shell from the calibre of
a mortar. Sphinx was at this time quite sea-sick, and the unfortunate
count was driven forth like a sky-rocket, and landed upon the peak of
Teneriffe, plunged over head and ears in the snow--_requiescat in pace!_

I perceived all this mischief from my seat in the ark, but was in such a
convulsion of laughter that I could not utter an intelligible word. And
now Sphinx, deprived of her postillion, went on in a zigzag direction,
and gambolled away after a most dreadful manner. And thus had everything
gone to wreck, had I not given instant orders to Gog and Magog to sally
forth. They plunged into the water, and swimming on each side, got at
length right before the animal, and then seized the reins. Thus they
continued swimming on each side, like tritons, holding the muzzle
of Sphinx, while I, sallying forth astride upon the creature's back,
steered forward on our voyage to the Cape of Good Hope.

Arriving at the Cape, I immediately gave orders to repair my former
chariot and machines, which were very expeditiously performed by the
excellent artists I had brought with me from Europe. And now everything
being refitted, we launched forth upon the water: perhaps there never
was anything seen more glorious or more august. 'Twas magnificent to
behold Sphinx make her obeisance on the water, and the crickets chirp
upon the bulls in return of the salute; while Gog and Magog, advancing,
took the reins of the great John Mowmowsky, and leading towards us
chariot and all, instantly disposed of them to the forepart of the ark
by hooks and eyes, and tackled Sphinx before all the bulls. Thus the
whole had a most tremendous and triumphal appearance. In front floated
forwards the mighty Sphinx, with Gog and Magog on each side; next
followed in order the bulls with crickets upon their heads; and then
advanced the chariot of Queen Mab, containing the curious seat and
orrery of heaven; after which appeared the boat and ark of council,
overtopped with two balloons, which gave an air of greater lightness and
elegance to the whole. I placed in the galleries under the balloons, and
on the backs of the bulls, a number of excellent vocal performers,
with martial music of clarionets and trumpets. They sung the "Watery
Dangers," and the "Pomp of Deep Cerulean!" The sun shone glorious on the
water while the procession advanced toward the land, under five hundred
arches of ice, illuminated with coloured lights, and adorned in the most
grotesque and fanciful style with sea-weed, elegant festoons, and shells
of every kind; while a thousand water-spouts danced eternally before
and after us, attracting the water from the sea in a kind of cone, and
suddenly uniting with the most fantastical thunder and lightning.

Having landed our whole retinue, we immediately began to proceed toward
the heart of Africa, but first thought it expedient to place a number of
wheels under the ark for its greater facility of advancing. We journeyed
nearly due north for several days, and met with nothing remarkable
except the astonishment of the savage natives to behold our equipage.

The Dutch Government at the Cape, to do them justice, gave us every
possible assistance for the expedition. I presume they had received
instruction on that head from their High Mightinesses in Holland.
However, they presented us with a specimen of some of the most excellent
of their Cape wine, and showed us every politeness in their power. As
to the face of the country, as we advanced, it appeared in many places
capable of every cultivation, and of abundant fertility. The natives
and Hottentots of this part of Africa have been frequently described
by travellers, and therefore it is not necessary to say any more about
them. But in the more interior parts of Africa the appearance, manners,
and genius of the people are totally different.

We directed our course by the compass and the stars, getting every
day prodigious quantities of game in the woods, and at night encamping
within a proper enclosure for fear of the wild beasts. One whole day in
particular we heard on every side, among the hills, the horrible roaring
of lions, resounding from rock to rock like broken thunder. It seemed
as if there was a general rendezvous of all these savage animals to fall
upon our party. That whole day we advanced with caution, our hunters
scarcely venturing beyond pistol shot from the caravan for fear of
dissolution. At night we encamped as usual, and threw up a circular
entrenchment round our tents. We had scarce retired to repose when we
found ourselves serenaded by at least one thousand lions, approaching
equally on every side, and within a hundred paces. Our cattle showed the
most horrible symptoms of fear, all trembling, and in cold perspiration.
I directly ordered the whole company to stand to their arms, and not to
make any noise by firing till I should command them. I then took a large
quantity of tar, which I had brought with our caravan for that purpose,
and strewed it in a continued stream round the encampment, within which
circle of tar I immediately placed another train or circle of gunpowder,
and having taken this precaution, I anxiously waited the lions'
approach. These dreadful animals, knowing, I presume, the force of our
troop, advanced very slowly, and with caution, approaching on every
side of us with an equal pace, and growling in hideous concert, so as
to resemble an earthquake, or some similar convulsion of the world. When
they had at length advanced and steeped all their paws in the tar, they
put their noses to it, smelling it as if it were blood, and daubed their
great bushy hair and whiskers with it equal to their paws. At that very
instant, when, in concert, they were to give the mortal dart upon us, I
discharged a pistol at the train of gunpowder, which instantly exploded
on every side, made all the lions recoil in general uproar, and take to
flight with the utmost precipitation. In an instant we could behold
them scattered through the woods at some distance, roaring in agony, and
moving about like so many Will-o'-the-Wisps, their paws and faces all on
fire from the tar and the gun-powder. I then ordered a general pursuit:
we followed them on every side through the woods, their own light
serving as our guide, until, before the rising of the sun, we followed
into their fastnesses and shot or otherwise destroyed every one of them,
and during the whole of our journey after we never heard the roaring of
a lion, nor did any wild beast presume to make another attack upon our
party, which shows the excellence of immediate presence of mind, and
the terror inspired into the savage enemies by a proper and well-timed
proceeding.

We at length arrived on the confines of an immeasurable desert--an
immense plain, extending on every side of us like an ocean. Not a tree,
nor a shrub, nor a blade of grass was to be seen, but all appeared an
extreme fine sand, mixed with gold-dust and little sparkling pearls.

The gold-dust and pearls appeared to us of little value, because we
could have no expectation of returning to England for a considerable
time. We observed, at a great distance, something like a smoke arising
just over the verge of the horizon, and looking with our telescopes we
perceived it to be a whirlwind tearing up the sand and tossing it about
in the heavens with frightful impetuosity. I immediately ordered my
company to erect a mound around us of a great size, which we did with
astonishing labour and perseverance, and then roofed it over with
certain planks and timber, which we had with us for the purpose. Our
labour was scarcely finished when the sand came rolling in like the
waves of the sea; 'twas a storm and river of sand united. It continued
to advance in the same direction, without intermission, for three days,
and completely covered over the mound we had erected, and buried us all
within. The intense heat of the place was intolerable; but guessing,
by the cessation of the noise, that the storm was passed, we set about
digging a passage to the light of day again, which we effected in a
very short time, and ascending, perceived that the whole had been so
completely covered with the sand, that there appeared no hills, but one
continued plain, with inequalities or ridges on it like the waves of the
sea. We soon extricated our vehicle and retinue from the burning sands,
but not without great danger, as the heat was very violent, and began to
proceed on our voyage. Storms of sand of a similar nature several times
attacked us, but by using the same precautions we preserved ourselves
repeatedly from destruction. Having travelled more than nine thousand
miles over this inhospitable plain, exposed to the perpendicular rays of
a burning sun, without ever meeting a rivulet, or a shower from heaven
to refresh us, we at length became almost desperate, when, to our
inexpressible joy, we beheld some mountains at a great distance, and on
our nearer approach observed them covered with a carpet of verdure and
groves and woods. Nothing could appear more romantic or beautiful than
the rocks and precipices intermingled with flowers and shrubs of every
kind, and palm-trees of such a prodigious size as to surpass anything
ever seen in Europe. Fruits of all kinds appeared growing wild in the
utmost abundance, and antelopes and sheep and buffaloes wandered about
the groves and valleys in profusion. The trees resounded with the melody
of birds, and everything displayed a general scene of rural happiness
and joy.



CHAPTER XXVI

_A feast on live bulls and kava--The inhabitants admire the European
adventurers--The Emperor comes to meet the Baron, and pays him great
compliments--The inhabitants of the centre of Africa descended from
the people of the moon proved by an inscription in Africa, and by the
analogy of their language, which is also the same with that of the
ancient Scythians--The Baron is declared sovereign of the interior
of Africa on the decease of the Emperor--He endeavours to abolish the
custom of eating live bulls, which excites much discontent--The advice
of Hilaro Frosticos upon the occasion--The Baron makes a speech to an
Assembly of the states, which only excites greater murmurs--He consults
with Hilaro Frosticos._

Having passed over the nearest mountains we entered a delightful vale,
where we perceived a multitude of persons at a feast of living bulls,
whose flesh they cut away with great knives, making a table of the
creature's carcase, serenaded by the bellowing of the unfortunate
animal. Nothing seemed requisite to add to the barbarity of this feast
but _kava_, made as described in Cook's voyages, and at the conclusion
of the feast we perceived them brewing this liquor, which they drank
with the utmost avidity. From that moment, inspired with an idea of
universal benevolence, I determined to abolish the custom of eating live
flesh and drinking of kava. But I knew that such a thing could not be
immediately effected, whatever in future time might be performed.

Having rested ourselves during a few days, we determined to set out
towards the principal city of the empire. The singularity of our
appearance was spoken of all over the country as a phenomenon. The
multitude looked upon Sphinx, the bulls, the crickets, the balloons, and
the whole company, as something more than terrestrial, but especially
the thunder of our fire-arms, which struck horror and amazement into the
whole nation.

We at length arrived at the metropolis, situated on the banks of a noble
river, and the emperor, attended by all his court, came out in grand
procession to meet us. The emperor appeared mounted on a dromedary,
royally caparisoned, with all his attendants on foot through respect
for his Majesty. He was rather above the middle stature of that country,
four feet three inches in height, with a countenance, like all his
countrymen, as white as snow! He was preceded by a band of most
exquisite music, according to the fashion of the country, and his whole
retinue halted within about fifty paces of our troop. We returned the
salute by a discharge of musketry, and a flourish of our trumpets
and martial music. I commanded our caravan to halt, and dismounting,
advanced uncovered, with only two attendants, towards his Majesty. The
emperor was equally polite, and descending from his dromedary, advanced
to meet me. "I am happy," said he, "to have the honour to receive so
illustrious a traveller, and assure you that everything in my empire
shall be at your disposal."

I thanked his Majesty for his politeness, and expressed how happy I was
to meet so polished and refined a people in the centre of Africa, and
that I hoped to show myself and company grateful for his esteem, by
introducing the arts and sciences of Europe among the people.

I immediately perceived the true descent of this people, which does not
appear of terrestrial origin, but descended from some of the inhabitants
of the moon, because the principal language spoken there, and in the
centre of Africa, is very nearly the same. Their alphabet and method of
writing are pretty much the same, and show the extreme antiquity of this
people, and their exalted origin. I here give you a specimen of their
writing [_Vide Otrckocsus de Orig. Hung._ p. 46]:--Stregnah, dna
skoohtop.

These characters I have submitted to the inspection of a celebrated
antiquarian, and it will be proved to the satisfaction of every one,
in his next volume, what an immediate intercourse there must have been
between the inhabitants of the moon and the ancient Scythians, which
Scythians did not by any means inhabit a part of Russia, but the
central part of Africa, as I can abundantly prove to my very learned
and laborious friend. The above words, written in our characters, are
_Sregnah dna skoohtop_; that is, The Scythians are of heavenly origin.
The word _Sregnah_, which signifies _Scythians_, is compounded of _sreg_
or _sre_, whence our present English word sire, or sir: and _nah_,
or _gnah_, knowledge, because the Scythians united the essentials of
nobility and learning together: _dna_ signifies heaven, or belonging to
the moon, from _duna_, who was anciently worshipped as goddess of that
luminary. And _skooh-top_ signifies the origin or beginning of anything,
from _skoo_, the name used in the moon for a point in geometry, and
_top_ or _htop_, vegetation. These words are inscribed at this day upon
a pyramid in the centre of Africa, nearly at the source of the river
Niger; and if any one refuses his assent, he may go there to be
convinced.

The emperor conducted me to his court amidst the admiration of
his courtiers, and paid us every possible politeness that African
magnificence could bestow. He never presumed to proceed on any
expedition without consulting us, and looking upon us as a species
of superior beings, paid the greatest respect to our opinions. He
frequently asked me about the states of Europe, and the kingdom of Great
Britain, and appeared lost in admiration at the account I gave him of
our shipping, and the immensity of the ocean. We taught him to regulate
the government nearly on the same plan with the British constitution,
and to institute a parliament and degrees of nobility. His majesty
was the last of his royal line, and on his decease, with the unanimous
consent of the people, made me heir to the whole empire. The nobility
and chiefs of the country immediately waited upon me with petitions,
entreating me to accept the government. I consulted with my noble
friends, Gog and Magog, &c., and after much consultation it was agreed
that I should accept the government, not as actual and independent
monarch of the place, but as viceroy to his Majesty of England.

I now thought it high time to do away the custom of eating of live flesh
and drinking of kava, and for that purpose used every persuasive method
to wean the majority of the people from it. This, to my astonishment,
was not taken in good part by the nation, and they looked with jealousy
at those strangers who wanted to make innovations among them.

Nevertheless, I felt much concern to think that my fellow-creatures
could be capable of such barbarity. I did everything that a heart
fraught with universal benevolence and good will to all mankind could
be capable of desiring. I first tried every method of persuasion and
incitement. I did not harshly reprove them, but I invited frequently
whole thousands to dine, after the fashion of Europe, upon roasted meat.
Alas, 'twas all in vain! my goodness nearly excited a sedition. They
murmured among themselves, spoke of my intentions, my wild and ambitious
views, as if I, O heaven! could have had any personal interested motive
in making them live like men, rather than like crocodiles and tigers. In
fine, perceiving that gentleness could be of no avail, well knowing
that when complaisance can effect nothing from some spirits, compulsion
excites respect and veneration, I prohibited, under the pain of the
severest penalties, the drinking of kava, or eating of live flesh,
for the space of nine days, within the districts of Angalinar and
Paphagalna.

But this created such an universal abhorrence and detestation of
my government, that my ministers, and even myself, were universally
pasquinadoed; lampoons, satires, ridicule, and insult, were showered
upon the name of Munchausen wherever it was mentioned; and in fine,
there never was a government so much detested, or with such little
reason.

In this dilemma I had recourse to the advice of my noble friend Hilaro
Frosticos. In his good sense I now expected some resource, for the rest
of the council, who had advised me to the former method, had given but
a poor specimen of their abilities and discernment, or I should have
succeeded more happily. In short, he addressed himself to me and to the
council as follows:--

"It is in vain, most noble Munchausen, that your Excellency endeavours
to compel or force these people to a life to which they have never been
accustomed. In vain do you tell them that apple-pies, pudding, roast
beef, minced pies, or tarts, are delicious, that sugar is sweet, that
wine is exquisite. Alas! they cannot, they will not comprehend what
deliciousness is, what sweetness, or what the flavour of the grape. And
even if they were convinced of the superior excellence of your way of
life, never, never would they be persuaded; and that if for no other
reason, but because force or persuasion is employed to induce them to
it. Abandon that idea for the present, and let us try another method. My
opinion, therefore, is, that we should at once cease all endeavours to
compel or persuade them. But let us, if possible, procure a quantity of
_fudge_ from England, and carelessly scatter it over all the country;
and from this disposal of matters I presume--nay, I have a moral
certainty, that we shall reclaim this people from horror and barbarity."