The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen

R >> Rudolph Erich Raspe >> The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen


I looked through my telescope at the moon, and perceived the
philosophers there in great commotion. They could plainly discern the
alteration on the surface of our globe, and thought themselves somehow
interested in the enterprise of their fellow-mortals in a neighbouring
planet. They seemed to think it admirable that such little beings as
we men should attempt so magnificent a performance, that would be
observable even in a separate world.

Thus having wedded the Atlantic Ocean to the South Sea, I returned to
England, and found Wauwau precisely in the very spot whence she had set
out, after having led us a chase all round the world.



CHAPTER XXXIII

_The Baron goes to Petersburgh, and converses with the Empress--
Persuades the Russians and Turks to cease cutting one another's throats,
and in concert cut a canal across the Isthmus of Suez--The
Baron discovers the Alexandrine Library, and meets with Hermes
Trismegistus--Besieges Seringapatam, and challenges Tippoo Sahib to
single combat--They fight--The Baron receives some wounds to his face,
but at last vanquishes the tyrant--The Baron returns to Europe, and
raises the hull of the "Royal George."_

Seized with a fury of canal-cutting, I took it in my head to form an
immediate communication between the Mediterranean and the Red Sea, and
therefore set out for Petersburgh.

The sanguinary ambition of the Empress would not listen to my proposals,
until I took a private opportunity, taking a cup of coffee with her
Majesty, to tell her that I would absolutely sacrifice myself for the
general good of mankind, and if she would accede to my proposals,
would, on the completion of the canal, _ipso facto_, give her my hand in
marriage!

"My dear, dear Baron," said she, "I accede to everything you please, and
agree to make peace with the Porte on the conditions you mention. And,"
added she, rising with all the majesty of the Czarina, Empress of
half the world, "be it known to all subjects, that We ordain these
conditions, for such is our royal will and pleasure."

I now proceeded to the Isthmus of Suez, at the head of a million of
Russian pioneers, and there united my forces with a million of Turks,
armed with shovels and pickaxes. They did not come to cut each other's
throats, but for their mutual interest, to facilitate commerce and
civilisation, and pour all the wealth of India by a new channel into
Europe. "My brave fellows," said I, "consider the immense labour of the
Chinese to build their celebrated wall; think of what superior benefit
to mankind is our present undertaking; persevere, and fortune will
second your endeavours. Remember it is Munchausen who leads you on, and
be convinced of success."

Saying these words, I drove my chariot with all my might in my former
track, that vestige mentioned by the Baron de Tott, and when I was
advanced considerably, I felt my chariot sinking under me. I attempted
to drive on, but the ground, or rather immense vault, giving way, my
chariot and all went down precipitately. Stunned by the fall, it was
some moments before I could recollect myself, when at length, to my
amazement, I perceived myself fallen into the Alexandrine Library,
overwhelmed in an ocean of books; thousands of volumes came tumbling
on my head amidst the ruins of that part of the vault through which my
chariot had descended, and for a time buried my bulls and all beneath a
heap of learning. However, I contrived to extricate myself, and advanced
with awful admiration through the vast avenues of the library. I
perceived on every side innumerable volumes and repositories of ancient
learning, and all the science of the Antediluvian world. Here I met with
Hermes Trismegistus, and a parcel of old philosophers debating upon the
politics and learning of their days. I gave them inexpressible delight
in telling them, in a few words, all the discoveries of Newton, and the
history of the world since their time. These gentry, on the contrary,
told me a thousand stories of antiquity that some of our antiquarians
would give their very eyes to hear.

In short, I ordered the library to be preserved, and I intend making a
present of it, as soon as it arrives in England, to the Royal Society,
together with Hermes Trismegistus, and half a dozen old philosophers.
I have got a beautiful cage made, in which I keep these extraordinary
creatures, and feed them with bread and honey, as they seem to believe
in a kind of doctrine of transmigration, and will not touch flesh.
Hermes Trismegistus especially is a most antique looking being, with a
beard half a yard long, covered with a robe of golden embroidery, and
prates like a parrot. He will cut a very brilliant figure in the Museum.

Having made a track with my chariot from sea to sea, I ordered my Turks
and Russians to begin, and in a few hours we had the pleasure of seeing
a fleet of British East Indiamen in full sail through the canal. The
officers of this fleet were very polite, and paid me every applause and
congratulation my exploits could merit. They told me of their affairs in
India, and the ferocity of that dreadful warrior, Tippoo Sahib, on which
I resolved to go to India and encounter the tyrant. I travelled down the
Red Sea to Madras, and at the head of a few Sepoys and Europeans pursued
the flying army of Tippoo to the gates of Seringapatam. I challenged him
to mortal combat, and, mounted on my steed, rode up to the walls of the
fortress amidst a storm of shells and cannon-balls. As fast as the bombs
and cannon-balls came upon me, I caught them in my hands like so
many pebbles, and throwing them against the fortress, demolished the
strongest ramparts of the place. I took my mark so direct, that whenever
I aimed a cannon-ball or a shell at any person on the ramparts I was
sure to hit him: and one time perceiving a tremendous piece of artillery
pointed against me, and knowing the ball must be so great it would
certainly stun me, I took a small cannon-ball, and just as I perceived
the engineer going to order them to fire, and opening his mouth to give
the word of command, I took aim and drove my ball precisely down his
throat.

Tippoo, fearing that all would be lost, that a general and successful
storm would ensue if I continued to batter the place, came forth upon
his elephant to fight me; I saluted him, and insisted he should fire
first.

Tippoo, though a barbarian, was not deficient in politeness, and
declined the compliment; upon which I took off my hat, and bowing, told
him it was an advantage Munchausen should never be said to accept from
so gallant a warrior: on which Tippoo instantly discharged his carbine,
the ball from which, hitting my horse's ear, made him plunge with rage
and indignation. In return I discharged my pistol at Tippoo, and shot
off his turban. He had a small field-piece mounted with him on his
elephant, which he then discharged at me, and the grape-shot coming in a
shower, rattled in the laurels that covered and shaded me all over, and
remained pendant like berries on the branches. I then, advancing, took
the proboscis of his elephant, and turning it against the rider, struck
him repeatedly with the extremity of it on either side of the head,
until I at length dismounted him. Nothing could equal the rage of the
barbarian finding himself thrown from his elephant. He rose in a fit of
despair, and rushed against my steed and myself: but I scorned to fight
him at so great a disadvantage on his side, and directly dismounted to
fight him hand to hand. Never did I fight with any man who bore himself
more nobly than this adversary; he parried my blows, and dealt home his
own in return with astonishing precision. The first blow of his sabre
I received upon the bridge of my nose, and but for the bony firmness of
that part of my face, it would have descended to my mouth. I still bear
the mark upon my nose.

He next made a furious blow at my head, but I, parrying, deadened the
force of his sabre, so that I received but one scar on my forehead, and
at the same instant, by a blow of my sword, cut off his arm, and his
hand and sabre fell to the earth; he tottered for some paces, and
dropped at the foot of his elephant. That sagacious animal, seeing the
danger of his master, endeavoured to protect him by flourishing his
proboscis round the head of the Sultan.

Fearless I advanced against the elephant, desirous to take alive the
haughty Tippoo Sahib; but he drew a pistol from his belt, and discharged
it full in my face as I rushed upon him, which did me no further harm
than wound my cheek-bone, which disfigures me somewhat under my left
eye. I could not withstand the rage and impulse of that moment, and with
one blow of my sword separated his head from his body.

I returned overland from India to Europe with admirable velocity, so
that the account of Tippoo's defeat by me has not as yet arrived by the
ordinary passage, nor can you expect to hear of it for a considerable
time. I simply relate the encounter as it happened between the Sultan
and me; and if there be any one who doubts the truth of what I say, he
is an infidel, and I will fight him at any time and place, and with any
weapon he pleases.

Hearing so many persons talk about raising the "Royal George," I began
to take pity on that fine old ruin of British plank, and determined to
have her up. I was sensible of the failure of the various means hitherto
employed for the purpose, and therefore inclined to try a method
different from any before attempted. I got an immense balloon, made of
the toughest sail-cloth, and having descended in my diving-bell, and
properly secured the hull with enormous cables, I ascended to the
surface, and fastened my cables to the balloon. Prodigious multitudes
were assembled to behold the elevation of the "Royal George," and as
soon as I began to fill my balloon with inflammable air the vessel
evidently began to move: but when my balloon was completely filled, she
carried up the "Royal George" with the greatest rapidity. The vessel
appearing on the surface occasioned a universal shout of triumph from
the millions assembled on the occasion. Still the balloon continued
ascending, trailing the hull after like a lantern at the tail of a kite,
and in a few minutes appeared floating among the clouds.

It was then the opinion of many philosophers that it would be more
difficult to get her down then it had been to draw her up. But I
convinced them to the contrary by taking my aim so exactly with a
twelve-pounder, that I brought her down in an instant.

I considered, that if I should break the balloon with a cannon-ball
while she remained with the vessel over the land, the fall would
inevitable occasion the destruction of the hull, and which, in its fall,
might crush some of the multitude; therefore I thought it safer to
take my aim when the balloon was over the sea, and pointing my
twelve-pounder, drove the ball right through the balloon, on which the
inflammable air rushed out with great force, and the "Royal George"
descended like a falling star into the very spot from whence she had
been taken. There she still remains, and I have convinced all Europe of
the possibility of taking her up.



CHAPTER XXXIV

_The Baron makes a speech to the National Assembly, and drives out all
the members--Routs the fishwomen and the National Guards--Pursues the
whole rout into a Church, where he defeats the National Assembly, &c.,
with Rousseau, Voltaire, and Beelzebub at their head, and liberates
Marie Antoinette and the Royal Family._

Passing through Switzerland on my return from India, I was informed
that several of the German nobility had been deprived of the honours
and immunities of their French estates. I heard of the sufferings of
the amiable Marie Antoinette, and swore to avenge every look that had
threatened her with insult. I went to the cavern of these Anthropophagi,
assembled to debate, and gracefully putting the hilt of my sword to my
lips--"I swear," cried I, "by the sacred cross of my sword, that if you
do not instantly reinstate your king and his nobility, and your injured
queen, I will cut the one half of you to pieces."

On which the President, taking up a leaden inkstand, flung it at my
head. I stooped to avoid the blow, and rushing to the tribunal seized
the Speaker, who was fulminating against the Aristocrats, and taking the
creature by one leg, flung him at the President. I laid about me most
nobly, drove them all out of the house, and locking the doors put the
key in my pocket.

I then went to the poor king, and making my obeisance to him--"Sire,"
said I, "your enemies have all fled. I alone am the National Assembly at
present, and I shall register your edicts to recall the princes and
the nobility; and in future, if your majesty pleases, I will be
your Parliament and Council." He thanked me, and the amiable Marie
Antoinette, smiling, gave me her hand to kiss.

At that moment I perceived a party of the National Assembly, who had
rallied with the National Guards, and a vast procession of fishwomen,
advancing against me. I deposited their Majesties in a place of
safety, and with my drawn sword advanced against my foes. Three hundred
fishwomen, with bushes dressed with ribbons in their hands, came
hallooing and roaring against me like so many furies. I scorned to
defile my sword with their blood, but seized the first that came up, and
making her kneel down I knighted her with my sword, which so terrified
the rest that they all set up a frightful yell and ran away as fast as
they could for fear of being aristocrated by knighthood.

As to the National Guards and the rest of the Assembly, I soon put them
to flight; and having made prisoners of some of them, compelled them to
take down their national, and put the old royal cockade in its place.

I then pursued the enemy to the top of a hill, where a most noble
edifice dazzled my sight; noble and sacred it was but now converted
to the vilest purposes, their monument _de grands hommes_, a Christian
church that these Saracens had perverted into abomination. I burst open
the doors, and entered sword in hand. Here I observed all the National
Assembly marching round a great altar erected to Voltaire; there was
his statue in triumph, and the fishwomen with garlands decking it, and
singing "Ca ira!" I could bear the sight no longer; but rushed upon
these pagans, and sacrificed them by dozens on the spot. The members
of the Assembly, and the fishwomen, continued to invoke their great
Voltaire, and all their masters in this monument _de grands hommes_,
imploring them to come down and succour them against the Aristocrats and
the sword of Munchausen. Their cries were horrible, like the shrieks
of witches and enchanters versed in magic and the black art, while
the thunder growled, and storms shook the battlements, and Rousseau,
Voltaire, and Beelzebub appeared, three horrible spectres; one all
meagre, mere skin and bone, and cadaverous, seemed death, that hideous
skeleton; it was Voltaire, and in his hand were a lyre and a dagger. On
the other side was Rousseau, with a chalice of sweet poison in his hand,
and between them was their father Beelzebub!

I shuddered at the sight, and with all the enthusiasm of rage, horror,
and piety, rushed in among them. I seized that cursed skeleton Voltaire,
and soon compelled him to renounce all the errors he had advanced;
and while he spoke the words, as if by magic charm, the whole assembly
shrieked, and the pandemonium began to tumble in hideous ruin on their
heads.

I returned in triumph to the palace, where the Queen rushed into my
arms, weeping tenderly. "Ah, thou flower of nobility," cried she, "were
all the nobles of France like thee, we should never have been brought to
this!"

I bade the lovely creature dry her eyes, and with the King and Dauphin
ascend my carriage, and drive post to Mont-Medi, as not an instant was
to be lost. They took my advice and drove away. I conveyed them within
a few miles of Mont-Medi, when the King, thanking me for my assistance,
hoped I would not trouble myself any farther, as he was then, he
presumed, out of danger; and the Queen also, with tears in her eyes,
thanked me on her knees, and presented the Dauphin for my blessing. In
short, I left the King eating a mutton chop. I advised him not to delay,
or he would certainly be taken, and setting spurs to my horse, wished
them a good evening, and returned to England. If the King remained too
long at table, and was taken, it was not my fault.