The Prophet of Berkeley Square

R >> Robert Hichens >> The Prophet of Berkeley Square


Having at length recovered from his shock of surprise sufficiently to
realise that the enormous and immobile dwarf was Mr. Ferdinand, and that
Mr. Ferdinand was not yet aware of his presence, the Prophet resolved
to beat a rapid and noiseless retreat. He carried this resolve into
execution by turning sharply round, knocking his head against a plate
chest, firing the George the Third candlestick into the passage, and
letting the planisphere go into the china jar of "Butler's own special
pomade" which Mr. Ferdinand kept always open for use upon the pantry
table.

To say that Mr. Ferdinand ceased from looking through the telescope for
the Lord Chancellor's second-cook at this juncture would, perhaps, not
convey quite a fair idea of the activity which he could on occasion
display even at his somewhat advanced age. It might be more just to
state that, without wasting any precious time in useless elongation, he
described an exceedingly rapid circular movement, still preserving the
shortened form of himself which had so deceived and startled his master,
and brought his eye from the orifice of the telescope to a level with
the Prophet's knees exactly at the moment when the Prophet rebounded
from the plate chest into the centre of the apartment.

"Oh, is it you, Mr. Ferdinand?" said the Prophet, controlling every
symptom of anguish, with the exception of a rapid flutter of the
eyelids. "I was looking for--for a bradawl."

The Prophet's choice of this useful little implement as the reason for
his presence in Mr. Ferdinand's special sanctum was prompted by the fact
that, just as he was speaking, he happened to see a bradawl lying upon a
neighbouring knife cupboard in the company of a corkscrew.

"And here, I see, is just what I want," he added calmly.

So far he had displayed extraordinary composure, but at this point he
made a slight mistake, for he picked up the corkscrew and sauntered
quietly away with it into the darkness, leaving Mr. Ferdinand still in
the attitude of a Toby jug, the planisphere still head downwards in
the butler's own special pomade, and the George the Third candlestick
stretched at full length upon the passage floor.



CHAPTER X

THE PROPHET AND MALKIEL THE SECOND CONVERSE BY TELEGRAM

"Hennessey Vivian, 1000 Berkeley Square, W.

"Please wire result of last night's observations from eleven till three
inclusive.--Sagittarius."

"Jupiter Sagittarius, Sagittarius Lodge, Crampton St. Peter, N.

"Impossible wire result, will write at length after taking further
observations to-night.--Vivian."

"Certainly write at length, but meanwhile wire all important results in
condensed form.--Sagittarius."

"Results not sufficiently important to wire, letter without fail
to-morrow.--Vivian."

"Never mind unimportance, wire whatever results obtained.--Sagittarius."

"On consideration think results too important to wire, will explain by
letter.--Vivian."

"Your second and third wires in direct contradiction; kindly reconcile
opposing statements.--Sagittarius."

"Cannot reconcile by wire, will do so by letter.--Vivian."

"Then meanwhile request forecast of grandmother so far as gathered last
night.--Sagittarius."

"Quite impossible discuss grandmother by wire.--Vivian."

"Not at all; couch in careful terms, shall understand; no need put
grandmother's name.--Sagittarius."

"Quite impossible; grandmother too sacred for treatment by wire, long
and full letter to-morrow.--Vivian."

"Absurd! Call her Harry and wire her future as obtained last night;
shall understand.--Sagittarius."

"Cannot possibly consent call grandmother Harry; pray cease;
succession of telegraph boys to house attracting general attention in
square.--Vivian."

"Must insist; then call her Susan and wire.--Sagittarius."

"Cannot possibly consent to call her Susan; discussion of such matter by
wire not decent; regret must absolutely decline.--Vivian."

"Madame and self insulted by accusation not decent; demand explanation
and apology.--Sagittarius."

"Regret; no desire give pain to lady, but this must cease; grandmother
and square seriously upset by procession of telegraph boys.--Vivian."

"Cannot help square and grandmother; must have last night's result
to compare with own observation of grandmother with crab and
scorpion.--Sagittarius."

"Pray cease; would rather die than discuss grandmother with crab and
scorpion by wire.--Vivian."

"Rubbish! Call crab Susan, scorpion Jane, grandmother Harry, and wire;
absolutely insist.--Sagittarius."

"Absolutely decline discuss crab, scorpion and grandmother by wire;
final.--Vivian.

"Scandalous! not behaviour of gentleman; Madame cut to heart;
infamous.--Sagittarius."

"Mater familiaris pallidibus ira.--Madame Sagittarius."

"If receive no reply as to grandmother and crab, et cetera, shall start
at once for Square.--Jupiter and Madame Sagittarius."

"On no account trouble come up; going out immediately; important
engagement.--Vivian."

"Madame putting on boots.--Sagittarius."

"Utterly useless put on boots; leaving house.--Vivian."

"Madame boots on; tying bonnet.--Sagittarius."

"Totally useless tie bonnet; absolutely forced leave house.--Vivian."

"Madame in pelisse; shall come in wait till your return.--Sagittarius."

"Regret pelisse; quite useless; out till late evening.--Vivian."

"Shall stay till whatever hour; have on hat and bonnet now;
starting.--Jupiter and Madame Sagittarius."

"For Heaven's sake don't; will wire whatever you wish.--Vivian."

"Don't. Ankles perhaps catching; dangerous Capricornus.--Vivian."

"Have you started?--Vivian."

"Have not started, but at threshold of door; wire full explanation
of crab with grandmother, et cetera, last night or shall start
instanter.--Jupiter and Madame Sagittarius."

"Truth is very little result last night; did not see crab with
grandmother; deeply regret.--Vivian."

"Then wire result of scorpion with grandmother.--Sagittarius."

"Very sorry did not see scorpion with grandmother.--Vivian."

"Impossible; believe stars out; clear sky; self and Madame
distinctly observed crab and scorpion with grandmother for four
hours.--Sagittarius."

"On honour did not see crab, scorpion or grandmother.--Vivian."

"Then has grandmother passed over?--Sagittarius."

"Certainly not, but no result; pray cease discussion, grandmother and
square distracted by incessant uproar of boys at door.--Vivian."

"Leaving house; with you as soon as possible.--Jupiter and Madame
Sagittarius."

"Heaven's sake don't; tell truth; did not look through telescope at all
last night.--Vivian."

"What meaning of this swore oath broken; no gentleman; coming at once
for explanation.--Jupiter and Madame Sagittarius."

"Stop; sending boy messenger with full explanation; severe accident
last night, injured head, so unable look for crab, grandmother and
scorpion.--Vivian."

"Astounded, upset, Madame says not conduct gentleman; might have seen
crab, grandmother and scorpion with injured head; mere excuse--caput
mortuus decrepitum cancer.--Sagittarius."

"Pray excuse; look to-night without fail; Heaven's sake cease writing;
grandmother and whole square amazement, confusion; shall go mad if
continues.--Vivian."

"Very well, but insist on full letter; confidence in oath much
shaken; wires most shifty; gross neglect of crab, grandmother and
scorpion.--Sagittarius."

"Homo miserum sed magnum est veritatus et praevalebetur.--Madame
Sagittarius."



CHAPTER XI

MISS MINERVA OPENS HER BOOK OF REVELATION IN A CAB

"Assure the Lord Chancellor that the last boy has been and gone--gone
away, that is, Mr. Ferdinand, and that I pledge my sacred word not to
have another telegram to-day."

"Yes, sir. His lordship desired that you should be informed that,
according to the law regulating public abominations and intolerable
street noises, you was liable to--"

"I know, I know."

"And that, by the Act dealing with gross offences against the
public order and scandalous crimes against the peace of metropolitan
communities, you was amenable--"

"Exactly. Go to his lordship and swear--"

"I couldn't do that so soon again, sir, really. I swore only as short
ago as yesterday, sir, by your express order, but--"

"I mean asseverate to his lordship that the very last boy has knocked
for the very last time."

"It wasn't so much the knocking, sir, his lordship complained of, as
the boys coming to the door meeting the boys going away from it, and
blocking up the pavement, sir, so that no one could get past and--"

"Yes, yes. Go and asseverate at once, Mr. Ferdinand."

"Very well, sir. And Her Grace, the Duchess of Camberwell, who is
passing from one fit to another, sir, from fright at the uproar and
telegrams going to the wrong house, sir?"

"Implore Her Grace to have courage and to trust me as a gentleman when I
promise solemnly that the knocking shall not be renewed."

"Very well, sir."

"Mr. Ferdinand!"

"Sir?"

"Have the knockers swathed in cotton-wool at once."

"Yes, sir."

"And--fix a bulletin on the door. Wait! I'll write it."

The Prophet hastened to his writing table and, with a hand that trembled
violently, wrote on a card as follows:--

"Owner of this house seriously ill, pray do not knock or _death_ shall
certainly ensue."

"There! Poor grannie will have peace now. Nail that up, Mr. Ferdinand,
under the cotton-wool."

"Very well, sir. Mrs. Merillia, sir, would be glad to speak to you for a
moment. You remember I informed you?"

"I'll go to her at once. But first bring me a glass of brandy, Mr.
Ferdinand. I'm feeling extremely unwell."

And the Prophet, who was paler far than ashes, and beaded from top to
toe with perspiration, sank down feebly upon a chair and let his head
drop on the blotting-pad that lay on his writing-table.

When he had swallowed an inch or two of cognac he got up, pulled himself
together with both hands, and walked, like an elderly person afflicted
with incipient locomotor ataxy, upstairs into the drawing-room where
Mrs. Merillia was lying on a sofa, ministered to by Fancy Quinglet, who,
at the moment of his entrance, was busily engaged in stuffing a large
wad of cotton-wool into the right ear of her beloved mistress.

"Leave us please, Fancy," said Mrs. Merillia, in a voice that sounded
much older than usual. "And as your head is so bad, too, you had better
lie down."

"Thank you, ma'am. If I keep upright, ma'am, I feel my head will split
asunder. I can't speak different nor feel other."

"Then don't be upright."

"No, ma'am. Them that feels other, let them declare it!" and Mrs. Fancy
retired, holding both hands to her temples, and uttering very distinctly
sundry stifled moans.

Mrs. Merillia motioned the Prophet to a chair, and, after lying quite
still for about five minutes with her eyes tightly shut, said in a weak
tone of voice,--

"How many more telegrams do you expect, Hennessey? You have had
twenty-seven within the last three hours. Can you give me a rough
general idea of the average number you anticipate will probably arrive
every hour from now till the offices close?"

"Grannie, grannie, forgive me! I assure you--"

"Don't be afraid to tell me, Hennessey. It is much better to know
the worst, and fact it bravely. Will the present average be merely
sustained, or do you expect the quantity to increase towards night?
because if so--"

"Grannie, there will be no more. I swear to you solemnly that I will
not have another telegram to-day. I will not upon my sacred honour.
Nothing--not wild horses even--shall induce me."

"Horses! Then were they racing tips, Hennessey? Yes, give me the _eau de
Cologne_ and fan me gently. Were they racing tips?"

"Oh, grannie, how could you suppose--"

At this moment Mr. Ferdinand entered softly and went up to Mrs.
Merillia.

"Mr. Q. Elisha Hubsbee, ma'am. He is deeply distressed and asks for news
. . ."

"The Central American Ambassador's grandfather," said Mrs. Merillia,
reading the card which Mr. Ferdinand handed to her.

"Shocked to hear you are so ill that a knock will finish you. Guess
you must be far gone. Earnest sympathy. Have you tried patent morphia
molasses?

"Q. E. H."


"Ah! how things get about! Tell Mr. Elisha Hubsbee the knocks have
nearly killed us all, Mr. Ferdinand, but we are bearing up as well as
can be expected. If necessary we will certainly try the molasses."

"Yes, ma'am."

"It is two o'clock now, Hennessey. The Charing Cross office is open till
midnight, I believe, so at the present rate you should only have about
ninety more telegrams to-day. But if you have reason to expect--"

Mr. Ferdinand re-entered.

"Mrs. Hendrick Marshall has called, ma'am. She desired me to say she was
passing the door and was much horrified to find that you are so near the
point, ma'am."

"What point, Mr. Ferdinand?"

"Of death, ma'am. She had no idea at all, ma'am."

"Oh, thank Mrs. Hendrick Marshall, Mr. Ferdinand, and say we shall try
to keep from the point for the present.

"Yes, ma'am."

"--That the numbers will go up as the afternoon draws on, Hennessey--"

"Grannie, haven't I sworn, and have you ever known me to tell you a--"

Suddenly the Prophet stopped short, thinking how that very night he
would be forced by his oath to "Madame and self" to break his promise
to his grandmother, how already it would have been broken had not Mr.
Ferdinand on the previous night been in possession of the telescope.

"The Chancellor of the Exchequer, ma'am, desires his compliments, and
he begs you to last out, if possible, till he has fetched Sir William
Broadbent to see you. He is going there on his bike, ma'am, and had no
conception you was dying till he knew it this moment, ma'am."

"Thank the Chancellor, Mr. Ferdinand, and say that though we must all go
out some day I have no desire for a dissolution at present, and shall do
my best to prove myself worthy of my constitution."

"Yes, ma'am."

Mr. Ferdinand retired, brushing away a tear.

"It would not be feasible, I suppose, Hennessey, to station Gustavus
permanently at the telegraph office with a small hamper, so that he
might collect the wires in it as they arrive and convey them here, once
an hour or so, entering by the area door. I thought perhaps that might
obviate--"

Mr. Ferdinand once more appeared, looking very puffy about the eyes.

"If you please, ma'am, La--ady Julia Pos--ostlethwaite is below, and
asks whe--ether you are truly going ma'am?"

"Going? Where to, Mr. Ferdinand?"

"The other pla--ace, ma'am. Her ladyship is crying something
terrible, ma'am, and says, till she no--no--noticed the fact she had
no--no--notion you was leaving us so soon, ma'am."

Here Mr. Ferdinand uttered a very strange and heartrending sound that
was rather like the bark of a dog with a bad cold in its head.

"It is really very odd so many people finding out so soon!" said Mrs.
Merillia in some surprise. "Tell her ladyship, Mr. Ferdinand, that--"

But at this moment there was the sound of feet on the stairs, and Lady
Enid Thistle hurried into the room, closely followed by Mr. Robert
Green. Lady Enid went up at once to Mrs. Merillia.

"I am so shocked and distressed to see your news, dear Mrs. Merillia,"
she cried affectionately. "But," she added, with much inquisitiveness,
"is it really true that if anyone tapped on the door you would certainly
die? How can you be so sure of yourself."

"What do you mean? Ah, Mr. Green, how d'you do? See my news!"

"Yes, written up on the front door. Everyone's shocked."

"Rather!" said Mr. Green, gazing at Mrs. Merillia with confused
mournfulness. "One doesn't see death on a front door every day, don't
you know, in big round hand too, and then one of those modern words."

"Death on the front door in big round hand!" said Mrs. Merillia in the
greatest perplexity.

"I put it there, grannie," said the Prophet, humbly. "I wrote that if
another boy knocked, death would certainly ensue."

"Ensue. That's it. I knew it was one of those modern words," said Mr.
Green.

"Another boy?" said Lady Enid. "Why should another boy knock?"

"Hennessey receives about nine telegrams an hour," answered Mrs.
Merillia.

"Really!"

Lady Enid looked at him with keen interest, while Mrs. Merillia
continued,--

"You had better take death off the door now, Mr. Ferdinand. I feel more
myself. Please thank her ladyship and tell her so."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Nine telegrams an hour!" repeated Lady Enid. "Mr. Vivian, would
you mind just seeing me as far as Hill Street? Bob has to go to
Tattersall's."

"Have I, Niddy?" asked Mr. Green, with evident surprise.

"Yes, to pick up a polo pony. Don't you recollect?"

"A polo pony, was it? By Jove!"

"I will come with pleasure," said the poor Prophet, who felt fit only to
lie down quietly in his grave. "If you don't mind being left, grannie?"

Mrs. Merillia was looking pleased.

"No, no. Go with Lady Enid, my dear boy. If any telegrams come shall I
open--"

"No," cried the Prophet, with sudden fierce energy. "For mercy's sake--I
mean, grannie, dear; that none will come. If they should"--his ordinary
gentle eyes flamed almost furiously--"Mr. Ferdinand is to burn them
unread--yes, to ashes. I will tell him." And he escorted Lady Enid
tumultuously downstairs, missing his footing at every second step.

In the square they parted from Mr. Green, who said,--

"Good-bye, Niddy, old girl. What do I want to pick up at Tattersall's?"

"A polo pony, Bob," she answered firmly.

"Oh, a polo pony. Thanks, Chin, chin, Hen. Polo pony is it?"

He strode off, whistling "She wore a wreath of roses" in a puzzled
manner, but still preserving the accepted demeanour of a bulwark.

As soon as Mr. Green was out of sight Lady Enid said,--

"We aren't going to Hill Street."

"Aren't we?" replied the Prophet, feebly.

"No. I must see Sir Tiglath Butt to-day. I want you to take me to his
door."

"Where is his door?"

"In Kensington Square. Do you mind hailing a four-wheeler. We can talk
privately there. No one will hear us."

The Prophet hailed a growler, wondering whether they would be able to
hear each other. As they got in Lady Enid, after giving the direction,
said to the cabman, who was a short person, with curling ebon whiskers,
a broken-up expression and a broken-down manner:

"Drive slowly, please and I'll give you an extra six-pence."

"Lydy?"

"Drive slowly, and I'll give you another six-pence."

"How did yer think I was gawing to drive, lydy?"

"I wonder why cabmen are always so interested in one's inmost thoughts,"
said Lady Enid, as the horse fell down preparatory to starting.

"I wonder."

"I hope he will go slowly."

"He seems to be doing so."

At this point the horse, after knocking on the front of the cab with his
hind feet ten or a dozen times, got up, hung his head, and drew a large
number of deep and dejected breaths.

"Am I gawing slowly enough, lydy?" asked the cabman, anxiously.

"Yes, but you can let him trot along now."

"Right, lydy, I ain't preventing of him."

As eventually they scrambled slowly forward in the Kensington direction,
Lady Enid remarked,--

"Why don't you have them sent to Jellybrand's?"

"Have what?" asked the Prophet.

"Your telegrams. The messages from your double life. I do."

"But I assure you--"

"Mr. Vivian, it's useless really. I find you hidden away in the inner
room of Jellybrand's with Mr. Sagittarius, closely guarded by Frederick
Smith; fourpenny champagne--"

"Four bob--shilling, I mean."

"Oh, was it?--Upon the table. After I've been poisoned, and we are
leaving, Mr. Sagittarius calls after you such expressions as 'Banks of
the Mouse--hear from me--marrow--architects and the last day.' You are
obviously agitated by these expressions. We reach your house. I find
you have been prophesying through a telescope. The name of Malkiel--a
well-known prophet--is mentioned. You turn pale and glance at me
imploringly, as if to solicit my silence. I am silent. The next day you
announce that you are going to have two afternoon parties."

"No, no, not afternoon! I never said afternoon!" interposed the Prophet,
frantically, as the horse fell down again in order to earn the extra
sixpence.

"Well, two parties in the afternoon. It's the same thing. You say they
are odd. You yourself acknowledge it. You tell me you have secrets."

"Did I?"

"Yes. When I said I had guessed your secret you replied, 'Which one?'"

"Oh!" murmured the Prophet, trying not to say "come in!" to the horse,
which was again knocking with both feet upon the front of the cab.

"You go home. I call during the afternoon, and find that you are
entertaining all your guests in your own little room and that your
grandmother knows nothing of it and believes you to be working. As I
am leaving I see the backs of two of your guests. One is a pelisse, the
other a spotted collar. As I near them they mount into a purple omnibus
on which is printed in huge letters, _'To the "Pork Butcher's Rest'_--"

"No! No!" ejaculated the Prophet, pale with horror at this revelation.

"_Rest_, Crampton Vale, N. I lose them in the shadows. The next day
I call and find your grandmother is dying from the noise made by boys
bringing you private telegrams. And then you tell me, me--Minerva
Partridge--that you have no double life! Yes, you can let him get up
now, please."

The cabman permitted the horse to do so and they again struggled
funereally forward. The Prophet was still very pale.

"I suppose it is useless to--very well," he said. "My life is double."

"Ah!"

"But only lately, quite lately."

"Never mind that. Oh! How glad I am that you have had the courage
too! You will soon get into it, as I did. But you should have all your
telegrams and so forth directed to Jellybrand's."

"It's too late," replied the Prophet, dejectedly. "Too late. I do wish
that horse wouldn't fall down so continually! It's most monotonous."

"The poor man naturally wants the extra sixpence. I think I shall give
him a shilling. But now who is Mr. Sagittarius?"

"Who is he?"

"Yes. I've seen him several times at Jellybrand's, and when I first met
him I though he was an outside broker."

"You! Was it on the pier at Margate?"

"Certainly not! Really, Mr. Vivian! even in my double life I
occasionally draw the line."

"I beg your pardon. I--the horse confuses me."

"Well, he's stopped knocking now and will be up in another minute. Who
did you say Mr. Sagittarius was?"

"I didn't say he was anybody, but he's a man."

"I'd guessed that."

"And an acquaintance of mine."

"Yes?"

"I'm afraid it's going to rain."

"It generally does in Knightsbridge. Yes?"

"Is Sir Tiglath likely to be in?"

"He knows I'm coming. Well, you haven't told me who Mr. Sagittarius is."

"Lady Enid," said the Prophet, desperately, "I know very little of Mr.
Sagittarius beyond the fact that he's a man, which I've already informed
you of."

"Is he an outside broker?"

"No."

"Then he's Malkiel. You can't deny it."

"I can deny anything," said the Prophet, who, already upset by the
events of the day, was now goaded almost to desperation. "I can and--and
must. There's the horse down again!"

"I shall have to give the man one and sixpence. Are your going to keep
your promise to Mrs. Merillia and Sir Tiglath?"

To this question the Prophet determined to give a direct answer, in
order to draw Lady Enid away from the more dangerous subjects.

"No," he said, with a spasm of pain.

"I knew you wouldn't be able to."

"Why?"

"Because when one's once been really and truly silly it's impossible not
to repeat the act, absolutely impossible. You'll never stop now. You'll
go on from one thing to another, as I do."

"I cannot think that prophecy is silly," said the Prophet, with some
stiffness.

She looked at him with frank admiration.

"You're worse than I am! It's splendid!"

"Worse!"

"Why, yes. You're foolish enough to think your silly acts sensible. I
wish I could get to that. Then perhaps I could impose on Sir Tiglath
more easily too."

She considered this idea seriously, as they started on again, and
gradually got free of the little crowd that had been sitting on the
horse's head.

"I must impose upon him," she said. "And you've got to help me."

"I!" cried the Prophet, feeling terribly unequal to everything. "I
cannot possibly consent--"

"Yes, dear Mr. Vivian, you can. And if two thoroughly silly people can't
impose upon one sensible old man, it will be very strange indeed. And
now I'm going to tell you what I hadn't time to tell you yesterday."

She leaned forward and tapped sharply on the rattling glass in front of
the cab. The cabman, bending down, twisted his whiskers towards her.

"Don't go too fast."

"I can't get 'im to fall down agyne, lydy. 'E's too tired."

"I daresay. But don't let him walk quite so fast."

She drew back.

"Mr. Vivian," she said--and the Prophet thought she had never looked
more sensible than now, as she began this revelation--"Mr. Vivian, among
the silly people I have met in my dear double life, who do you think are
the very silliest?"

"The anti-vaccinators?"

"No. Besides, they so often have small-pox and become quite sensible."

"The atheists?"

"I used to think so, but not now. And most of those I knew are Roman
Catholics at present."