Castle Rackrent

M >> Maria Edgeworth >> Castle Rackrent


'I'll have the law of you, so I will!' is the saying of an Englishman
who expects justice. 'I'll have you before his honour,' is the threat of
an Irishman who hopes for partiality. Miserable is the life of a justice
of the peace in Ireland the day after a fair, especially if he resides
near a small town. The multitude of the KILT (KILT does not mean KILLED,
but hurt) and wounded who come before his honour with black eyes or
bloody heads is astonishing: but more astonishing is the number of those
who, though they are scarcely able by daily labour to procure daily
food, will nevertheless, without the least reluctance, waste six or
seven hours of the day lounging in the yard or court of a justice of the
peace, waiting to make some complaint about--nothing. It is impossible
to convince them that TIME IS MONEY. They do not set any value upon
their own time, and they think that others estimate theirs at less than
nothing. Hence they make no scruple of telling a justice of the peace
a story of an hour long about a tester (sixpence); and if he grows
impatient, they attribute it to some secret prejudice which he
entertains against them.

Their method is to get a story completely by heart, and to tell it, as
they call it, OUT OF THE FACE, that is, from the beginning to the end,
without interruption.

'Well, my good friend, I have seen you lounging about these three hours
in the yard; what is your business?'

'Please your honour, it is what I want to speak one word to your
honour.'

'Speak then, but be quick. What is the matter?'

'The matter, please your honour, is nothing at-all-at-all, only just
about the grazing of a horse, please your honour, that this man here
sold me at the fair of Gurtishannon last Shrove fair, which lay down
three times with myself, please your honour, and KILT me; not to be
telling your honour of how, no later back than yesterday night, he lay
down in the house there within, and all the childer standing round, and
it was God's mercy he did not fall a-top of them, or into the fire to
burn himself. So please your honour, to-day I took him back to this man,
which owned him, and after a great deal to do, I got the mare again I
SWOPPED (EXCHANGED) him for; but he won't pay the grazing of the horse
for the time I had him, though he promised to pay the grazing in case
the horse didn't answer; and he never did a day's work, good or bad,
please your honour, all the time he was with me, and I had the doctor to
him five times anyhow. And so, please your honour, it is what I expect
your honour will stand my friend, for I'd sooner come to your honour
for justice than to any other in all Ireland. And so I brought him here
before your honour, and expect your honour will make him pay me the
grazing, or tell me, can I process him for it at the next assizes,
please your honour?'

The defendant now turning a quid of tobacco with his tongue into some
secret cavern in his mouth, begins his defence with--

'Please your honour, under favour, and saving your honour's presence,
there's not a word of truth in all this man has been saying from
beginning to end, upon my conscience, and I wouldn't for the value of
the horse itself, grazing and all, be after telling your honour a lie.
For, please your honour, I have a dependence upon your honour that
you'll do me justice, and not be listening to him or the like of him.
Please your honour, it's what he has brought me before your honour,
because he had a spite against me about some oats I sold your honour,
which he was jealous of, and a shawl his wife got at my shister's shop
there without, and never paid for; so I offered to set the shawl against
the grazing, and give him a receipt in full of all demands, but he
wouldn't out of spite, please your honour; so he brought me before your
honour, expecting your honour was mad with me for cutting down the
tree in the horse park, which was none of my doing, please your
honour--ill-luck to them that went and belied me to your honour behind
my back! So if your honour is pleasing, I'll tell you the whole truth
about the horse that he swopped against my mare out of the face. Last
Shrove fair I met this man, Jemmy Duffy, please your honour, just at the
corner of the road, where the bridge is broken down, that your honour is
to have the presentment for this year--long life to you for it! And he
was at that time coming from the fair of Gurtishannon, and I the same
way. "How are you, Jemmy?" says I. "Very well, I thank ye kindly,
Bryan," says he; "shall we turn back to Paddy Salmon's and take a naggin
of whisky to our better acquaintance?" "I don't care if I did, Jemmy,"
says I; "only it is what I can't take the whisky, because I'm under an
oath against it for a month." Ever since, please your honour, the day
your honour met me on the road, and observed to me I could hardly stand,
I had taken so much; though upon my conscience your honour wronged me
greatly that same time--ill-luck to them that belied me behind my back
to your honour! Well, please your honour, as I was telling you, as he
was taking the whisky, and we talking of one thing or t'other, he
makes me an offer to swop his mare that he couldn't sell at the fair of
Gurtishannon, because nobody would be troubled with the beast, please
your honour, against my horse, and to oblige him I took the mare--sorrow
take her! and him along with her! She kicked me a new car, that was
worth three pounds ten, to tatters the first time I ever put her into
it, and I expect your honour will make him pay me the price of the
car, anyhow, before I pay the grazing, which I've no right to pay
at-all-at-all, only to oblige him. But I leave it all to your honour;
and the whole grazing he ought to be charging for the beast is but two
and eightpence halfpenny, anyhow, please your honour. So I'll abide by
what your honour says, good or bad. I'll leave it all to your honour.

I'll leave IT all to your honour--literally means, I'll leave all the
trouble to your honour.

The Editor knew a justice of the peace in Ireland who had such a
dread of HAVING IT ALL LEFT TO HIS HONOUR, that he frequently gave the
complainants the sum about which they were disputing, to make peace
between them, and to get rid of the trouble of hearing their stories
OUT OF THE FACE. But he was soon cured of this method of buying off
disputes, by the increasing multitude of those who, out of pure regard
to his honour, came 'to get justice from him, because they would sooner
come before him than before any man in all Ireland.'



GLOSSARY 25. A RAKING POT OF TEA.

--We should observe, this custom has long since been banished from the
higher orders of Irish gentry. The mysteries of a raking pot of tea,
like those of the Bona Dea, are supposed to be sacred to females; but
now and then it has happened that some of the male species, who were
either more audacious, or more highly favoured than the rest of their
sex, have been admitted by stealth to these orgies. The time when the
festive ceremony begins varies according to circumstances, but it is
never earlier than twelve o'clock at night; the joys of a raking pot of
tea depending on its being made in secret, and at an unseasonable hour.
After a ball, when the more discreet part of the company has departed to
rest, a few chosen female spirits, who have footed it till they can foot
it no longer, and till the sleepy notes expire under the slurring hand
of the musician, retire to a bedchamber, call the favourite maid, who
alone is admitted, bid her PUT DOWN THE KETTLE, lock the door, and
amidst as much giggling and scrambling as possible, they get round a
tea-table, on which all manner of things are huddled together. Then
begin mutual railleries and mutual confidences amongst the young ladies,
and the faint scream and the loud laugh is heard, and the romping for
letters and pocket-books begins, and gentlemen are called by their
surnames, or by the general name of fellows! pleasant fellows! charming
fellows! odious fellows! abominable fellows! and then all prudish
decorums are forgotten, and then we might be convinced how much the
satirical poet was mistaken when he said--

There is no woman where there's no reserve.

The merit of the original idea of a raking pot of tea evidently belongs
to the washerwoman and the laundry-maid. But why should not we have LOW
LIFE ABOVE STAIRS as well as HIGH LIFE BELOW STAIRS?



GLOSSARY 26. WE GAINED THE DAY BY THIS PIECE OF HONESTY.

--In a dispute which occurred some years ago in Ireland, between Mr. E.
and Mr. M., about the boundaries of a farm, an old tenant of Mr. M.'s
cut a SOD from Mr. M.'s land, and inserted it in a spot prepared for its
reception in Mr. E.'s land; so nicely was it inserted, that no eye could
detect the junction of the grass. The old man, who was to give his
evidence as to the property, stood upon the inserted sod when the
VIEWERS came, and swore that the ground he THEN STOOD UPON belonged to
his landlord, Mr. M.

The Editor had flattered himself that the ingenious contrivance which
Thady records, and the similar subterfuge of this old Irishman, in the
dispute concerning boundaries, were instances of 'CUTENESS unparalleled
in all but Irish story: an English friend, however, has just mortified
the Editor's national vanity by an account of the following custom,
which prevails in part of Shropshire. It is discreditable for women
to appear abroad after the birth of their children till they have been
CHURCHED. To avoid this reproach, and at the same time to enjoy the
pleasure of gadding, whenever a woman goes abroad before she has been
to church, she takes a tile from the roof of her house, and puts it upon
her head: wearing this panoply all the time she pays her visits, her
conscience is perfectly at ease; for she can afterwards safely declare
to the clergyman, that she 'has never been from under her own roof till
she came to be churched.'



GLOSSARY 27. CARTON AND HALF-CARTON,

--Thady means cartron, and half-cartron. According to the old record in
the black book of Dublin, a CANTRED is said to contain 30 VILLATAS
TERRAS, which are also called QUARTERS of land (quarterons, CARTRONS);
every one of which quarters must contain so much ground as will pasture
400 cows, and 17 plough-lands. A knight's fee was composed of 8 hydes,
which amount to 160 acres, and that is generally deemed about a PLOUGH-
LAND.'

The Editor was favoured by a learned friend with the above extract, from
a MS. of Lord Totness's in the Lambeth library.



GLOSSARY 28. WAKE.

--A wake in England means a festival held upon the anniversary of the
saint of the parish. At these wakes, rustic games, rustic conviviality,
and rustic courtship, are pursued with all the ardour and all the
appetite which accompany such pleasures as occur but seldom. In Ireland
a wake is a midnight meeting, held professedly for the indulgence of
holy sorrow, but usually it is converted into orgies of unholy joy. When
an Irish man or woman of the lower order dies, the straw which composed
the bed, whether it has been contained in a bag to form a mattress, or
simply spread upon the earthen floor, is immediately taken out of the
house, and burned before the cabin door, the family at the same time
setting up the death howl. The ears and eyes of the neighbours being
thus alarmed, they flock to the house of the deceased, and by their
vociferous sympathy excite and at the same time soothe the sorrows of
the family.

It is curious to observe how good and bad are mingled in human
institutions. In countries which were thinly inhabited, this custom
prevented private attempts against the lives of individuals, and formed
a kind of coroner's inquest upon the body which had recently expired,
and burning the straw upon which the sick man lay became a simple
preservative against infection. At night the dead body is waked, that is
to say, all the friends and neighbours of the deceased collect in a barn
or stable, where the corpse is laid upon some boards, or an unhinged
door, supported upon stools, the face exposed, the rest of the
body covered with a white sheet. Round the body are stuck in brass
candlesticks, which have been borrowed perhaps at five miles' distance,
as many candles as the poor person can beg or borrow, observing always
to have an odd number. Pipes and tobacco are first distributed, and
then, according to the ABILITY of the deceased, cakes and ale, and
sometimes whisky, are DEALT to the company--

Deal on, deal on, my merry men all,
Deal on your cakes and your wine,
For whatever is dealt at her funeral to-day
Shall be dealt to-morrow at mine.

After a fit of universal sorrow, and the comfort of a universal dram,
the scandal of the neighbourhood, as in higher circles, occupies the
company. The young lads and lasses romp with one another, and when the
fathers and mothers are at last overcome with sleep and whisky (VINO
ET SOMNO), the youth become more enterprising, and are frequently
successful. It is said that more matches are made at wakes than at
weddings.



GLOSSARY 29. KILT.

--This word frequently occurs in the preceding pages, where it means not
KILLED, but much HURT. In Ireland, not only cowards, but the brave 'die
many times before their death.'--There KILLING IS NO MURDER.