Venetian Years: Military Career

J >> Jacques Casanova de Seingalt >> Venetian Years: Military Career


"What has become of your cheerfulness?"

"If it has disappeared, madam, it can only be by your will. Call it back,
and you will see it return in full force."

"What must I do to obtain that result?"

"Only be towards me as you were when I returned from Casopo. I have been
disagreeable to you for the last four months, and as I do not know why, I
feel deeply grieved."

"I am always the same: in what do you find me changed?"

"Good heavens! In everything, except in beauty. But I have taken my
decision."

"And what is it?"

"To suffer in silence, without allowing any circumstance to alter the
feelings with which you have inspired me; to wish ardently to convince
you of my perfect obedience to your commands; to be ever ready to give
you fresh proofs of my devotion."

"I thank you, but I cannot imagine what you can have to suffer in silence
on my account. I take an interest in you, and I always listen with
pleasure to your adventures. As a proof of it, I am extremely curious to
hear the history of your three loves."

I invented on the spot three purely imaginary stories, making a great
display of tender sentiments and of ardent love, but without alluding to
amorous enjoyment, particularly when she seemed to expect me to do so.
Sometimes delicacy, sometimes respect or duty, interfered to prevent the
crowning pleasure, and I took care to observe, at such moments of
disappointment, that a true lover does not require that all important
item to feel perfectly happy. I could easily see that her imagination was
travelling farther than my narrative, and that my reserve was agreeable
to her. I believed I knew her nature well enough to be certain that I was
taking the best road to induce her to follow me where I wished to lead
her. She expressed a sentiment which moved me deeply, but I was careful
not to shew it. We were talking of my third love, of the woman who, out
of pity, had undertaken to cure me, and she remarked,

"If she truly loved you, she may have wished not to cure you, but to cure
herself."

On the day following this partial reconciliation, M. F----, her husband,
begged my commanding officer, D---- R-----, to let me go with him to
Butintro for an excursion of three days, his own adjutant being seriously
ill.

Butintro is seven miles from Corfu, almost opposite to that city; it is
the nearest point to the island from the mainland. It is not a fortress,
but only a small village of Epirus, or Albania, as it is now called, and
belonging to the Venetians. Acting on the political axiom that "neglected
right is lost right," the Republic sends every year four galleys to
Butintro with a gang of galley slaves to fell trees, cut them, and load
them on the galleys, while the military keep a sharp look-out to prevent
them from escaping to Turkey and becoming Mussulmans. One of the four
galleys was commanded by M. F---- who, wanting an adjutant for the
occasion, chose me.

I went with him, and on the fourth day we came back to Corfu with a large
provision of wood. I found M. D---- R---- alone on the terrace of his
palace. It was Good Friday. He seemed thoughtful, and, after a silence of
a few minutes, he spoke the following words, which I can never forget:

"M. F-----, whose adjutant died yesterday, has just been entreating me to
give you to him until he can find another officer. I have told him that I
had no right to dispose of your person, and that he, ought to apply to
you, assuring him that, if you asked me leave to go with him, I would not
raise any objection, although I require two adjutants. Has he not
mentioned the matter to you?"

"No, monsignor, he has only tendered me his thanks for having accompanied
him to Butintro, nothing else."

"He is sure to speak to you about it. What do you intend to say?"

"Simply that I will never leave the service of your excellency without
your express command to do so."

"I never will give you such an order."

As M. D---- R---- was saying the last word, M. and Madame F---- came in.
Knowing that the conversation would most likely turn upon the subject
which had just been broached, I hurried out of the room. In less than a
quarter of an hour I was sent for, and M. F---- said to me,
confidentially,

"Well, M. Casanova, would you not be willing to live with me as my
adjutant?"

"Does his excellency dismiss me from his service?"

"Not at all," observed M. D---- R----, "but I leave you the choice."

"My lord, I could not be guilty of ingratitude."

And I remained there standing, uneasy, keeping my eyes on the ground, not
even striving to conceal my mortification, which was, after all, very
natural in such a position. I dreaded looking at Madame F----, for I knew
that she could easily guess all my feelings. An instant after, her
foolish husband coldly remarked that I should certainly have a more
fatiguing service with him than with M. D---- R----, and that, of course,
it was more honourable to serve the general governor of the galeazze than
a simple sopra-committo. I was on the point of answering, when Madame
F---- said, in a graceful and easy manner, "M. Casanova is right," and she
changed the subject. I left the room, revolving in my mind all that had
just taken place.

My conclusion was that M. F---- had asked M. D---- R---- to let me go with
him at the suggestion of his wife, or, at least with her consent, and it
was highly flattering to my love and to my vanity. But I was bound in
honour not to accept the post, unless I had a perfect assurance that it
would not be disagreeable to my present patron. "I will accept," I said
to myself, "if M. D---- R---- tells me positively that I shall please him
by doing so. It is for M. F to make him say it."

On the same night I had the honour of offering my arm to Madame
F---during the procession which takes place in commemoration of the death
of our Lord and Saviour, which was then attended on foot by all the
nobility. I expected she would mention the matter, but she did not. My
love was in despair, and through the night I could not close my eyes. I
feared she had been offended by my refusal, and was overwhelmed with
grief. I passed the whole of the next day without breaking my fast, and
did not utter a single word during the evening reception. I felt very
unwell, and I had an attack of fever which kept me in bed on Easter
Sunday. I was very weak on the Monday, and intended to remain in my room,
when a messenger from Madame F---- came to inform me that she wished to
see me. I told the messenger not to say that he had found me in bed, and
dressing myself rapidly I hurried to her house. I entered her room, pale,
looking very ill: yet she did not enquire after my health, and kept
silent a minute or two, as if she had been trying to recollect what she
had to say to me.

"Ah! yes, you are aware that our adjutant is dead, and that we want to
replace him. My husband, who has a great esteem for you, and feels that
M. D---- R---- leaves you perfectly free to make your choice, has taken
the singular fancy that you will come, if I ask you myself to do us that
pleasure. Is he mistaken? If you would come to us, you would have that
room."

She was pointing to a room adjoining the chamber in which she slept, and
so situated that, to see her in every part of her room, I should not even
require to place myself at the window.

"M. D---- R-----," she continued, "will not love you less, and as he will
see you here every day, he will not be likely to forget his interest in
your welfare. Now, tell me, will you come or not?"

"I wish I could, madam, but indeed I cannot."

"You cannot? That is singular. Take a seat, and tell me what there is to
prevent you, when, in accepting my offer, you are sure to please M.
D---- R---- as well as us."

"If I were certain of it, I would accept immediately; but all I have
heard from his lips was that he left me free to make a choice."

"Then you are afraid to grieve him, if you come to us?"

"It might be, and for nothing on earth...."

"I am certain of the contrary."

"Will you be so good as to obtain that he says so to me himself?"

"And then you will come?"

"Oh, madam! that very minute!"

But the warmth of my exclamation might mean a great deal, and I turned my
head round so as not to embarrass her. She asked me to give her her
mantle to go to church, and we went out. As we were going down the
stairs, she placed her ungloved hand upon mine. It was the first time
that she had granted me such a favour, and it seemed to me a good omen.
She took off her hand, asking me whether I was feverish. "Your hand," she
said, "is burning."

When we left the church, M. D---- R-----'s carriage happened to pass, and
I assisted her to get in, and as soon as she had gone, hurried to my room
in order to breathe freely and to enjoy all the felicity which filled my
soul; for I no longer doubted her love for me, and I knew that, in this
case, M. D---- R---- was not likely to refuse her anything.

What is love? I have read plenty of ancient verbiage on that subject, I
have read likewise most of what has been said by modern writers, but
neither all that has been said, nor what I have thought about it, when I
was young and now that I am no longer so, nothing, in fact, can make me
agree that love is a trifling vanity. It is a sort of madness, I grant
that, but a madness over which philosophy is entirely powerless; it is a
disease to which man is exposed at all times, no matter at what age, and
which cannot be cured, if he is attacked by it in his old age. Love being
sentiment which cannot be explained! God of all nature!--bitter and sweet
feeling! Love!--charming monster which cannot be fathomed! God who, in
the midst of all the thorns with which thou plaguest us, strewest so many
roses on our path that, without thee, existence and death would be united
and blended together!

Two days afterwards, M. D---- R-----, told me to go and take orders from
M. F---- on board his galley, which was ready for a five or six days'
voyage. I quickly packed a few things, and called for my new patron who
received me with great joy. We took our departure without seeing madam,
who was not yet visible. We returned on the sixth day, and I went to
establish myself in my new home, for, as I was preparing to go to M.
D---- R-----, to take his orders, after our landing, he came himself, and
after asking M. F---- and me whether we were pleased with each other, he
said to me,

"Casanova, as you suit each other so well, you may be certain that you
will greatly please me by remaining in the service of M. F."

I obeyed respectfully, and in less than one hour I had taken possession
of my new quarters. Madame F---- told me how delighted she was to see that
great affair ended according to her wishes, and I answered with a deep
reverence.

I found myself like the salamander, in the very heart of the fire for
which I had been longing so ardently.

Almost constantly in the presence of Madame F----, dining often alone
with her, accompanying her in her walks, even when M. D---- R---- was not
with us, seeing her from my room, or conversing with her in her chamber,
always reserved and attentive without pretension, the first night passed
by without any change being brought about by that constant intercourse.
Yet I was full of hope, and to keep up my courage I imagined that love
was not yet powerful enough to conquer her pride. I expected everything
from some lucky chance, which I promised myself to improve as soon as it
should present itself, for I was persuaded that a lover is lost if he
does not catch fortune by the forelock.

But there was one circumstance which annoyed me. In public, she seized
every opportunity of treating me with distinction, while, when we were
alone, it was exactly the reverse. In the eyes of the world I had all the
appearance of a happy lover, but I would rather have had less of the
appearance of happiness and more of the reality. My love for her was
disinterested; vanity had no share in my feelings.

One day, being alone with me, she said,

"You have enemies, but I silenced them last night."

"They are envious, madam, and they would pity me if they could read the
secret pages of my heart. You could easily deliver me from those
enemies."

"How can you be an object of pity for them, and how could I deliver you
from them?"

"They believe me happy, and I am miserable; you would deliver me from
them by ill-treating me in their presence."

"Then you would feel my bad treatment less than the envy of the wicked?"

"Yes, madam, provided your bad treatment in public were compensated by
your kindness when we are alone, for there is no vanity in the happiness
I feel in belonging to you. Let others pity me, I will be happy on
condition that others are mistaken."

"That's a part that I can never play."

I would often be indiscreet enough to remain behind the curtain of the
window in my room, looking at her when she thought herself perfectly
certain that nobody saw her; but the liberty I was thus guilty of never
proved of great advantage to me. Whether it was because she doubted my
discretion or from habitual reserve, she was so particular that, even
when I saw her in bed, my longing eyes never could obtain a sight of
anything but her head.

One day, being present in her room while her maid was cutting off the
points of her long and beautiful hair, I amused myself in picking up all
those pretty bits, and put them all, one after the other, on her
toilettable, with the exception of one small lock which I slipped into my
pocket, thinking that she had not taken any notice of my keeping it; but
the moment we were alone she told me quietly, but rather too seriously,
to take out of my pocket the hair I had picked up from the floor.
Thinking she was going too far, and such rigour appearing to me as cruel
as it was unjust and absurd, I obeyed, but threw the hair on the
toilet-table with an air of supreme contempt.

"Sir, you forget yourself."

"No, madam, I do not, for you might have feigned not to have observed
such an innocent theft."

"Feigning is tiresome."

"Was such petty larceny a very great crime?"

"No crime, but it was an indication of feelings which you have no right
to entertain for me."

"Feelings which you are at liberty not to return, madam, but which hatred
or pride can alone forbid my heart to experience. If you had a heart you
would not be the victim of either of those two fearful passions, but you
have only head, and it must be a very wicked head, judging by the care it
takes to heap humiliation upon me. You have surprised my secret, madam,
you may use it as you think proper, but in the meantime I have learned to
know you thoroughly. That knowledge will prove more useful than your
discovery, for perhaps it will help me to become wiser."

After this violent tirade I left her, and as she did not call me back
retired to my room. In the hope that sleep would bring calm, I undressed
and went to bed. In such moments a lover hates the object of his love,
and his heart distils only contempt and hatred. I could not go to sleep,
and when I was sent for at supper-time I answered that I was ill. The
night passed off without my eyes being visited by sleep, and feeling weak
and low I thought I would wait to see what ailed me, and refused to have
my dinner, sending word that I was still very unwell. Towards evening I
felt my heart leap for joy when I heard my beautiful lady-love enter my
room. Anxiety, want of food and sleep, gave me truly the appearance of
being ill, and I was delighted that it should be so. I sent her away very
soon, by telling her with perfect indifference that it was nothing but a
bad headache, to which I was subject, and that repose and diet would
effect a speedy cure.

But at eleven o'clock she came back with her friend, M. D---- R-----, and
coming to my bed she said, affectionately,

"What ails you, my poor Casanova?"

"A very bad headache, madam, which will be cured to-morrow."

"Why should you wait until to-morrow? You must get better at once. I have
ordered a basin of broth and two new-laid eggs for you."

"Nothing, madam; complete abstinence can alone cure me."

"He is right," said M. D---- R-----, "I know those attacks."

I shook my head slightly. M. D---- R---- having just then turned round to
examine an engraving, she took my hand, saying that she would like me to
drink some broth, and I felt that she was giving me a small parcel. She
went to look at the engraving with M. D---- R-----.

I opened the parcel, but feeling that it contained hair, I hurriedly
concealed it under the bed-clothes: at the same moment the blood rushed
to my head with such violence that it actually frightened me. I begged
for some water, she came to me, with M. D---- R-----, and then were both
frightened to see me so red, when they had seen me pale and weak only one
minute before.

Madame F---- gave me a glass of water in which she put some Eau des carmes
which instantly acted as a violent emetic. Two or three minutes after I
felt better, and asked for something to eat. Madame F---- smiled. The
servant came in with the broth and the eggs, and while I was eating I
told the history of Pandolfin. M. D---- R---- thought it was all a
miracle, and I could read, on the countenance of the charming woman,
love, affection, and repentance. If M. D---- R---- had not been present,
it would have been the moment of my happiness, but I felt certain that I
should not have long to wait. M. D---- R---- told Madame F---- that, if he
had not seen me so sick, he would have believed my illness to be all
sham, for he did not think it possible for anyone to rally so rapidly.

"It is all owing to my Eau des carmes," said Madame F-----, looking at
me, "and I will leave you my bottle."

"No, madam, be kind enough to take it with you, for the water would have
no virtue without your presence."

"I am sure of that," said M. D---- R-----, "so I will leave you here with
your patient."

"No, no, he must go to sleep now."

I slept all night, but in my happy dreams I was with her, and the reality
itself would hardly have procured me greater enjoyment than I had during
my happy slumbers. I saw I had taken a very long stride forward, for
twenty-four hours of abstinence gave me the right to speak to her openly
of my love, and the gift of her hair was an irrefutable confession of her
own feelings.

On the following day, after presenting myself before M. F----, I went to
have a little chat with the maid, to wait until her mistress was visible,
which was not long, and I had the pleasure of hearing her laugh when the
maid told her I was there. As soon as I went in, without giving me time
to say a single word, she told me how delighted she was to see me looking
so well, and advised me to call upon M. D---- R-----.

It is not only in the eyes of a lover, but also in those of every man of
taste, that a woman is a thousand times more lovely at the moment she
comes out of the arms of Morpheus than when she has completed her toilet.
Around Madame F---- more brilliant beams were blazing than around the sun
when he leaves the embrace of Aurora. Yet the most beautiful woman thinks
as much of her toilet as the one who cannot do without it--very likely
because more human creatures possess the more they want.

In the order given to me by Madame F---- to call on M. D---- R-----, I saw
another reason to be certain of approaching happiness, for I thought
that, by dismissing me so quickly, she had only tried to postpone the
consummation which I might have pressed upon her, and which she could not
have refused.

Rich in the possession of her hair, I held a consultation with my love to
decide what I ought to do with it, for Madame F----, very likely in her
wish to atone for the miserly sentiment which had refused me a small bit,
had given me a splendid lock, full a yard and a half long. Having thought
it over, I called upon a Jewish confectioner whose daughter was a skilful
embroiderer, and I made her embroider before me, on a bracelet of green
satin, the four initial letters of our names, and make a very thin chain
with the remainder. I had a piece of black ribbon added to one end of the
chain, in the shape of a sliding noose, with which I could easily
strangle myself if ever love should reduce me to despair, and I passed it
round my neck. As I did not want to lose even the smallest particle of so
precious a treasure, I cut with a pair of scissors all the small bits
which were left, and devoutly gathered them together. Then I reduced them
into a fine powder, and ordered the Jewish confectioner to mix the powder
in my presence with a paste made of amber, sugar, vanilla, angelica,
alkermes and storax, and I waited until the comfits prepared with that
mixture were ready. I had some more made with the same composition, but
without any hair; I put the first in a beautiful sweetmeat box of fine
crystal, and the second in a tortoise-shell box.

From the day when, by giving me her hair, Madame F---- had betrayed the
secret feelings of her heart, I no longer lost my time in relating
stories or adventures; I only spoke to her of my cove, of my ardent
desires; I told her that she must either banish me from her presence, or
crown my happiness, but the cruel, charming woman would not accept that
alternative. She answered that happiness could not be obtained by
offending every moral law, and by swerving from our duties. If I threw
myself at her feet to obtain by anticipation her forgiveness for the
loving violence I intended to use against her, she would repulse me more
powerfully than if she had had the strength of a female Hercules, for she
would say, in a voice full of sweetness and affection,

"My friend, I do not entreat you to respect my weakness, but be generous
enough to spare me for the sake of all the love I feel for you."

"What! you love me, and you refuse to make me happy! It is impossible! it
is unnatural. You compel me to believe that you do not love me. Only
allow me to press my lips one moment upon your lips, and I ask no more."

"No, dearest, no; it would only excite the ardour of your desires, shake
my resolution, and we should then find ourselves more miserable than we
are now."

Thus did she every day plunge me in despair, and yet she complained that
my wit was no longer brilliant in society, that I had lost that
elasticity of spirits which had pleased her so much after my arrival from
Constantinople. M. D---- R-----, who often jestingly waged war against me,
used to say that I was getting thinner and thinner every day. Madame
F---- told me one day that my sickly looks were very disagreeable to her,
because wicked tongues would not fail to say that she treated me with
cruelty. Strange, almost unnatural thought! On it I composed an idyll
which I cannot read, even now, without feeling tears in my eyes.

"What!" I answered, "you acknowledge your cruelty towards me? You are
afraid of the world guessing all your heartless rigour, and yet you
continue to enjoy it! You condemn me unmercifully to the torments of
Tantalus! You would be delighted to see me gay, cheerful, happy, even at
the expense of a judgment by which the world would find you guilty of a
supposed but false kindness towards me, and yet you refuse me even the
slightest favours!"

"I do not mind people believing anything, provided it is not true."

"What a contrast! Would it be possible for me not to love you, for you to
feel nothing for me? Such contradictions strike me as unnatural. But you
are growing thinner yourself, and I am dying. It must be so; we shall
both die before long, you of consumption, I of exhausting decline; for I
am now reduced to enjoying your shadow during the day, during the night,
always, everywhere, except when I am in your presence."

At that passionate declaration, delivered with all the ardour of an
excited lover, she was surprised, deeply moved, and I thought that the
happy hour had struck. I folded her in my arms, and was already tasting
the first fruits of enjoyment. . . . The sentinel knocked twice! . . . Oh!
fatal mischance! I recovered my composure and stood in front of her. . . .
M. D---- R---- made his appearance, and this time he found me in so
cheerful a mood that he remained with us until one o'clock in the
morning.

My comfits were beginning to be the talk of our society. M. D---- R-----,
Madame F----, and I were the only ones who had a box full of them. I was
stingy with them, and no one durst beg any from me, because I had said
that they were very expensive, and that in all Corfu there was no
confectioner who could make or physician who could analyse them. I never
gave one out of my crystal box, and Madame F. remarked it. I certainly
did not believe them to be amorous philtre, and I was very far from
supposing that the addition of the hair made them taste more delicious;
but a superstition, the offspring of my love, caused me to cherish them,
and it made me happy to think that a small portion of the woman I
worshipped was thus becoming a part of my being.