To Paris And Prison: Convent Affairs

J >> Jacques Casanova de Seingalt >> To Paris And Prison: Convent Affairs


"Tears were choking her. I tried to console her, and I most willingly
promised her to write to you. She never closed her eyes throughout that
day, but I slept soundly for four hours.

"When we got up we found the convent full of bad news, which interested
us a great deal more than people imagined. It was reported that, an hour
before daybreak, a fishing-boat had been lost in the lagune, that two
gondolas had been capsized, and that the people in them had perished. You
may imagine our anguish! We dared not ask any questions, but it was just
the hour at which you had left me, and we entertained the darkest
forebodings. We returned to our room, where M---- M---- fainted away. More
courageous than she is, I told her that you were a good swimmer, but I
could not allay her anxiety, and she went to bed with a feverish chill.
Just at that moment, my aunt, who is of a very cheerful disposition, came
in, laughing, to tell us that during the storm the Pierrot who had made
us laugh so much had had a narrow escape of being drowned. 'Ah! the poor
Pierrot!' I exclaimed, 'tell us all about him, dear aunt. I am very glad
he was saved. Who is he? Do you know?' 'Oh! yes,' she answered,
'everything is known, for he was taken home by our gondoliers. One of
them has just told me that Pierrot, having spent the night at the Briati
ball, did not find any gondola to return to Venice, and that our
gondoliers took him for a sequin. One of the men fell into the sea, but
then the brave Pierrot, throwing handfuls of silver upon the 'Zenia'
pitched the 'felce' over board, and the wind having less hold they
reached Venice safely through the Beggars' Canal. This morning the lucky
gondoliers divided thirty philippes which they found in the gondola, and
they have been fortunate enough to pick up their 'felce'. Pierrot will
remember Muran and the ball at Briati. The man says that he is the son of
M. de Bragadin, the procurator's brother. He was taken to the palace of
that nobleman nearly dead from cold, for he was dressed in light calico,
and had no cloak.'

"When my aunt had left us, we looked at one another for several minutes
without uttering a word, but we felt that the good news had brought back
life to us. M---- M---- asked me whether you were really the son of M, de
Bragadin. 'It might be so,' I said to her, 'but his name does not shew my
lover to be the bastard of that nobleman, and still less his legitimate
child, for M. de Bragadin was never married.' 'I should be very sorry,'
said M---- M----, 'if he were his son.' I thought it right, then, to tell
her your true name, and of the application made to my father by M. de
Bragadin for my hand, the consequence of which was that I had been shut
up in the convent. Therefore, my own darling, your little wife has no
longer any secret to keep from M---- M----, and I hope you will not accuse
me of indiscretion, for it is better that our dear friend should know all
the truth than only half of it. We have been greatly amused, as you may
well suppose, by the certainty with which people say that you spent all
the night at the Briati ball. When people do not know everything, they
invent, and what might be is often accepted in the place of what is in
reality; sometimes it proves very fortunate. At all events the news did a
great deal of good to my friend, who is now much better. She has had an
excellent night, and the hope of seeing you at the casino has restored
all her beauty. She has read this letter three or four times, and has
smothered me with kisses. I long to give her the letter which you are
going to write to her. The messenger will wait for it. Perhaps I shall
see you again at the casino, and in a better temper, I hope. Adieu."

It did not require much argument to conquer me. When I had finished the
letter, I was at once the admirer of C---- C---- and the ardent lover of
M---- M----. But, alas! although the fever had left me, I was crippled.
Certain that Laura would come again early the next morning, I could not
refrain from writing to both of them a short letter, it is true, but long
enough to assure them that reason had again taken possession of my poor
brain. I wrote to C---- C---- that she had done right in telling her friend
my name, the more so that, as I did not attend their church any longer, I
had no reason to make a mystery of it. In everything else I freely
acknowledged myself in the wrong, and I promised her that I would atone
by giving M---M---- the strongest possible proofs of my repentance as soon
as I could go again to her casino.

This is the letter that I wrote to my adorable nun:

"I gave C---- C---- the key of your casino, to be returned to you, my own
charming friend, because I believed myself trifled with and despised, of
malice aforethought, by the woman I worship. In my error I thought myself
unworthy of presenting myself before your eyes, and, in spite of love,
horror made me shudder. Such was the effect produced upon me by an act
which would have appeared to me admirable, if my self-love had not
blinded me and upset my reason. But, dearest, to admire it it would have
been necessary for my mind to be as noble as yours, and I have proved how
far it is from being so. I am inferior to you in all things, except in
passionate love, and I will prove it to you at our next meeting, when I
will beg on my knees a generous pardon. Believe me, beloved creature, if
I wish ardently to recover my health, it is only to have it in my power
to prove by my love a thousand times increased, how ashamed I am of my
errors. My painful lumbago has alone prevented me from answering your
short note yesterday, to express to you my regrets, and the love which
has been enhanced in me by your generosity, alas! so badly rewarded. I
can assure you that in the lagunes, with death staring me in the face, I
regretted no one but you, nothing but having outraged you. But in the
fearful danger then threatening me I only saw a punishment from Heaven.
If I had not cruelly sent back to you the key of the casino, I should
most likely have returned there, and should have avoided the sorrow as
well as the physical pains which I am now suffering as an expiation. I
thank you a thousand times for having recalled me to myself, and you may
be certain that for the future I will keep better control over myself;
nothing shall make me doubt your love. But, darling, what do you say of
C---- C----? Is she not an incarnate angel who can be compared to no one
but you? You love us both equally. I am the only one weak and faulty, and
you make me ashamed of myself. Yet I feel that I would give my life for
her as well as for you. I feel curious about one thing, but I cannot
trust it to paper. You will satisfy that curiosity the first time I shall
be able to go to the casino before two days at the earliest. I will let
you know two days beforehand. In the mean time, I entreat you to think a
little of me, and to be certain of my devoted love. Adieu."

The next morning Laura found me sitting up in bed, and in a fair way to
recover my health. I requested her to tell C---- C---- that I felt much
better, and I gave her the letter I had written. She had brought me one
from my dear little wife, in which I found enclosed a note from
M---- M----. Those two letter were full of tender expressions of love,
anxiety for my health, and ardent prayers for my recovery.

Six days afterwards, feeling much stronger, I went to Muran, where the
keeper of the casino handed me a letter from M---- M----. She wrote to me
how impatient she was for my complete recovery, and how desirous she was
to see me in possession of her casino, with all the privileges which she
hoped I would retain for ever.

"Let me know, I entreat you," she added, "when we are likely to meet
again, either at Muran or in Venice, as you please. Be quite certain that
whenever we meet we shall be alone and without a witness."

I answered at once, telling her that we would meet the day after the
morrow at her casino, because I wanted to receive her loving absolution
in the very spot where I had outraged the most generous of women.

I was longing to see her again, for I was ashamed of my cruel injustice
towards her, and panting to atone for my wrongs. Knowing her disposition,
and reflecting calmly upon what had taken place, it was now evident to me
that what she had done, very far from being a mark of contempt, was the
refined effort of a love wholly devoted to me. Since she had found out
that I was the lover of her young friend, could she imagine that my heart
belonged only to herself? In the same way that her love for me did not
prevent her from being compliant with the ambassador, she admitted the
possibility of my being the same with C---- C----. She overlooked the
difference of constitution between the two sexes, and the privileges
enjoyed by women.

Now that age has whitened my hair and deadened the ardour of my senses,
my imagination does not take such a high flight, and I think differently.
I am conscious that my beautiful nun sinned against womanly reserve and
modesty, the two most beautiful appanages of the fair sex, but if that
unique, or at least rare, woman was guilty of an eccentricity which I
then thought a virtue, she was at all events exempt from that fearful
venom called jealousy--an unhappy passion which devours the miserable
being who is labouring under it, and destroys the love that gave it
birth.

Two days afterwards, on the 4th of February, 1754, I had the supreme
felicity of finding myself again alone with my beloved mistress. She wore
the dress of a nun. As we both felt guilty, the moment we saw each other,
by a spontaneous movement, we fell both on our knees, folded in each
other's arms. We had both ill-treated Love; she had treated him like a
child, I had adored him after the fashion of a Jansenist. But where could
we have found the proper language for the excuses we had to address to
each other for the mutual forgiveness we had to entreat and to grant?
Kisses--that mute, yet expressive language, that delicate, voluptuous
contact which sends sentiment coursing rapidly through the veins, which
expresses at the same time the feeling of the heart and the impressions
of the mind--that language was the only one we had recourse to, and
without having uttered one syllable, dear reader, oh, how well we agreed!

Both overwhelmed with emotion, longing to give one another some proofs of
the sincerity of our reconciliation and of the ardent fire which was
consuming us, we rose without unclasping our arms, and falling (a most
amorous group!) on the nearest sofa, we remained there until the heaving
of a deep sigh which we would not have stopped, even if we had known that
it was to be the last!

Thus was completed our happy reconciliation, and the calm infused into
the soul by contentment, burst into a hearty laugh when we noticed that I
had kept on my cloak and my mask. After we had enjoyed our mirth, I
unmasked myself, and I asked her whether it was quite true that no one
had witnessed our reconciliation.

She took up one of the candlesticks, and seizing my hand:

"Come," she said.

She led me to the other end of the room, before a large cupboard which I
had already suspected of containing the secret. She opened it, and when
she had moved a sliding plank I saw a door through which we entered a
pretty closet furnished with everything necessary to a person wishing to
pass a few hours there. Near the sofa was a sliding panel.
M---- M---- removed it, and through twenty holes placed at a distance from
each other I saw every part of the room in which nature and love had
performed for our curious friend a play in six acts, during which I did
not think he had occasion to be dissatisfied with the actors.

"Now," said M---- M----, "I am going to satisfy the curiosity which you
were prudent enough not to trust to paper."

"But you cannot guess...."

"Silence, dearest! Love would not be of divine origin did he not possess
the faculty of divination. He knows all, and here is the proof. Do you
not wish to know whether my friend was with me during the fatal night
which has cost me so many tears?"

"You have guessed rightly."

"Well, then, he was with me, and you must not be angry, for you then
completed your conquest of him. He admired your character, your love,
your sentiments, your honesty. He could not help expressing his
astonishment at the rectitude of my instinct, or his approval of the
passion I felt for you. It was he who consoled me in the morning assuring
me that you would certainly come back to me as soon as you knew my real
feelings, the loyalty of my intentions and my good faith."

"But you must often have fallen asleep, for unless excited by some
powerful interest, it is impossible to pass eight hours in darkness and
in silence."

"We were moved by the deepest interest: besides, we were in darkness only
when we kept these holes open. The plank was on during our supper, and we
were listening in religious silence to your slightest whisper. The
interest which kept my friend awake was perhaps greater than mine. He
told me that he never had had before a better opportunity of studying the
human heart, and that you must have passed the most painful night. He
truly pitied you. We were delighted with C---- C----, for it is indeed
wonderful that a young girl of fifteen should reason as she did to
justify my conduct, without any other weapons but those given her by
nature and truth; she must have the soul of an angel. If you ever marry
her, you will have the most heavenly wife. I shall of course feel
miserable if I lose her, but your happiness will make amends for all. Do
you know, dearest, that I cannot understand how you could fall in love
with me after having known her, any more than I can conceive how she does
not hate me ever since she has discovered that I have robbed her of your
heart. My dear C---- C---- has truly something divine in her disposition.
Do you know why she confided to you her barren loves with me? Because, as
she told me herself, she wished to ease her conscience, thinking that she
was in some measure unfaithful to you."

"Does she think herself bound to be entirely faithful to me, with the
knowledge she has now of my own unfaithfulness?"

"She is particularly delicate and conscientious, and though she believes
herself truly your wife, she does not think that she has any right to
control your actions, but she believes herself bound to give you an
account of all she does."

"Noble girl!"

The prudent wife of the door-keeper having brought the supper, we sat
down to the well-supplied table. M---- M---- remarked that I had become
much thinner.

"The pains of the body do not fatten a man," I said, "and the sufferings
of the mind emaciate him. But we have suffered sufficiently, and we must
be wise enough never to recall anything which can be painful to us."

"You are quite right, my love; the instants that man is compelled to give
up to misfortune or to suffering are as many moments stolen from his
life, but he doubles his existence when he has the talent of multiplying
his pleasures, no matter of what nature they may be."

We amused ourselves in talking over past dangers, Pierrot's disguise, and
the ball at Briati, where she had been told that another Pierrot had made
his appearance.

M---- M---- wondered at the extraordinary effect of a disguise, for, said
she to me:

"The Pierrot in the parlour of the convent seemed to me taller and
thinner than you. If chance had not made you take the convent gondola, if
you had not had the strange idea of assuming the disguise of Pierrot, I
should not have known who you were, for my friends in the convent would
not have been interested in you. I was delighted when I heard that you
were not a patrician, as I feared, because, had you been one, I might in
time have run some great danger."

I knew very well what she had to fear, but pretending complete ignorance:

"I cannot conceive," I said, "what danger you might run on account of my
being a patrician."

"My darling, I cannot speak to you openly, unless you give me your word
to do what I am going to ask you."

"How could I hesitate, my love, in doing anything to please you, provided
my honour is not implicated? Have we not now everything in common? Speak,
idol of my heart, tell me your reasons, and rely upon my love; it is the
guarantee of my ready compliance in everything that can give you
pleasure:"

"Very well. I want you to give a supper in your casino to me and my
friend, who is dying to make your acquaintance."

"And I foresee that after supper you will leave me to go with him."

"You must feel that propriety compels me to do so."

"Your friend already knows, I suppose, who I am?"

"I thought it was right to tell him, because if I had not told him he
could not have entertained the hope of supping with you, and especially
at your house."

"I understand. I guess your friend is one of the foreign ambassadors."

"Precisely."

"But may I hope that he will so far honour me as to throw up his
incognito?"

"That is understood. I shall introduce him to you according to accepted
forms, telling his name and his political position."

"Then it is all for the best, darling. How could you suppose that I would
have any difficulty in procuring you that pleasure, when on the contrary,
nothing could please me more myself? Name the day, and be quite certain
that I shall anxiously look for it."

"I should have been sure of your compliance, if you had not given me
cause to doubt it."

"It is a home-thrust, but I deserve it."

"And I hope it will not make you angry. Now I am happy. Our friend is M.
de Bernis, the French ambassador. He will come masked, and as soon as he
shews his features I shall present him to you. Recollect that you must
treat him as my lover, but you must not appear to know that he is aware
of our intimacy."

"I understand that very well, and you shall have every reason to be
pleased with my urbanity. The idea of that supper is delightful to me,
and I hope that the reality will be as agreeable. You were quite right,
my love, to dread my being a patrician, for in that case the
State-Inquisitors, who very often think of nothing but of making a show
of their zeal, would not have failed to meddle with us, and the mere idea
of the possible consequences makes me shudder. I under The Leads--you
dishonoured--the abbess--the convent! Good God! Yes, if you had told me
what you thought, I would have given you my name, and I could have done
so all the more easily that my reserve was only caused by the fear of
being known, and of C---- C---- being taken to another convent by her
father. But can you appoint a day for the supper? I long to have it all
arranged."

"To-day is the fourth; well, then, in four days."

"That will be the eighth?"

"Exactly so. We will go to your casino after the second ballet. Give me
all necessary particulars to enable us to find the house without
enquiring from anyone."

I sat down and I wrote down the most exact particulars to find the casino
either by land or by water. Delighted with the prospect of such a party
of pleasure, I asked my mistress to go to bed, but I remarked to her
that, being convalescent and having made a hearty supper, I should be
very likely to pay my first homages to Morpheus. Yielding to the
circumstances, she set the alarum for ten o'clock, and we went to bed in
the alcove. As soon as we woke up, Love claimed our attention and he had
no cause of complaint, but towards midnight we fell asleep, our lips
fastened together, and we found ourselves in that position in the morning
when we opened our eyes. Although there was no time to lose, we could not
make up our minds to part without making one more offering to Venus.

I remained in the casino after the departure of my divinity, and slept
until noon. As soon as I had dressed myself, I returned to Venice, and my
first care was to give notice to my cook, so that the supper of the 8th
of February should be worthy of the guests and worthy of me.