The Eternal Quest: With Voltaire

J >> Jacques Casanova de Seingalt >> The Eternal Quest: With Voltaire


But in the midst of these joys, she turned her head, closed her eyelids,
and fell asleep. I moved away a little, the better to contemplate the
treasures that love displayed before me. The nun slept, as I thought; but
even if her sleep was feigned, should I be angry with her for the
stratagem? Certainly not; true or feigned, the sleep of a loved one
should always be respected by a delicate lover, although there are some
pleasures he may allow himself. If the sleep is real there is no harm
done, and if it is put on the lover only responds to the lady's desires.
All that is necessary is so to manage one's caresses that they are
pleasant to the beloved object. But M---- M---- was really asleep; the
claret had numbed her senses, and she had yielded to its influence
without any ulterior motives. While I gazed at her I saw that she was
dreaming. Her lips uttered words of which I could not catch the meaning,
but her voluptuous aspect told me of what she dreamt. I took off my
clothes; and in two minutes I had clasped her fair body to mine, not
caring much whether she slept on or whether I awoke her and brought our
drama to a climax, which seemed inevitable.

I was not long uncertain, for the instinctive movements she made when she
felt the minister that would fain accomplish the sacrifice at the door of
the sanctuary, convinced me that her dream still lasted, and that I could
not make her happier than by changing it into reality. I delicately moved
away all obstacles, and gently and by degrees consummated this sweet
robbery, and when at last I abandoned myself to all the force of passion,
she awoke with a sigh of bliss, murmuring,

"Ah! it is true then."

"Yes, my angel! are you happy?"

For all reply she drew me to her and fastened her lips on mine, and thus
we awaited the dawn of day, exhausting all imaginable kinds of pleasure,
exciting each other's desires, and only wishing to prolong our enjoyment.

"Alas!" said she, "I am happy now, but you must leave me till the
evening. Let us talk of our happiness, and enjoy it over again."

"Then you do not repent having made me a happy man?"

"No; it is you who have made me happy. You are an angel from heaven. We
loved, we crowned our love; I cannot have done aught to offend God. I am
free from all my fears. We have obeyed nature and our destinies. Do you
love me still?"

"Can you ask me? I will shew you to-night."

I dressed myself as quickly as possible while we talked of our love, and
I left her in bed, bidding her rest.

It was quite light when I got home. Le Duc had not gone to bed, and gave
me a letter from the fair Zeroli, telling me that it had been delivered
at eleven o'clock. I had not gone to her supper, and I had not escorted
her to Chamberi; I had not had time to give her a moment's thought. I was
sorry, but I could not do anything. I opened her letter which consisted
of only six lines, but they were pregnant ones. She advised me never to
go to Turin, for if I went there she would find means to take vengeance
on me for the dastardly affront I had put upon her. She reproached me
with having put her to public shame, said I had dishonoured her, and
vowed she would never forgive me. I did not distress myself to any great
extent; I tore up the friendly missive, and after I had had my hair done
I went to the fountain.

Everybody flew at me for not having been at Madame Zeroli's supper. I
defended myself as best I could, but my excuses were rather tame, about
which I did not trouble myself. I was told that all was known, and this
amused me as I was aware that nothing was known. The marquis's mistress
took hold of my arm, and told me, without any circumlocution, that I had
the reputation of being inconstant, and by way of reply I observed
politely that I was wrongfully accused, but that if there was any ground
for the remark it was because I had never served so sweet a lady as
herself. She was flattered by my compliment, and I bit my lip when I
heard her ask in the most gracious manner why I did not breakfast
sometimes with the marquis.

"I was afraid of disturbing him," said I.

"How do you mean?"

"I should be interrupting him in his business."

"He has no business, and he would be delighted to see you. Come
to-morrow, he always breakfasts in my room."

This lady was the widow of a gentleman of quality; she was young,
undoubtedly pretty, and possessing in perfection the jargon of good
society; nevertheless, she did not attract me. After recently enjoying
the fair Zeroli, and finding my suit with the fair nun at the height of
its prosperity, I was naturally hard to please, and in plain words--I was
perfectly contented with my situation. For all that, I had foolishly
placed myself in such a position that I was obliged to give her to
understand that she had delighted me by her preference.

She asked the marquis if she could return to the inn.

"Yes," said he, "but I have some business in hand, and cannot come with
you."

"Would you be kind enough to escort me?" said she to me. I bowed in
assent.

On the way she told me that if Madame Zeroli were still there she would
not have dared to take my arm. I could only reply by equivocating, as I
had no wish to embark in a fresh intrigue. However, I had no choice; I
was obliged to accompany her to her room and sit down beside her; but as
I had had no sleep the night before I felt tired and began to yawn, which
was not flattering for the lady. I excused myself to the best of my
ability, telling her that I was ill, and she believed me or pretended to
believe me. But I felt sleep stealing upon me, and I should have
infallibly dropped off if it had not been for my hellebore, which kept me
awake by making me sneeze.

The marquis came in, and after a thousand compliments he proposed a game
of quinze. I begged him to excuse me, and the lady backed me up, saying I
could not possibly play in the midst of such a sneezing fit. We went down
to dinner, and afterwards I easily consented to make a bank, as I was
vexed at my loss of the day before. As usual I staked five hundred louis,
and about seven o'clock, though two-thirds of the bank had gone, I
announced the last deal. The marquis and two other heavy gamesters then
endeavoured to break the bank, but fortune turned, and I not only got
back my losses but won three hundred Louis besides. Thereupon I rose,
promising the company to begin again next day. All the ladies had won, as
Desarmoises had orders to let them play as they liked up to a certain
limit.

I locked up my money, and warning my faithful Spaniard that I should not
be coming back, I went to my idol, having got wet through on the way, and
being obliged to undress as soon as I arrived. The good woman' of the
house took care to dry my clothes.

I found the fair nun dressed in her religious habit, and lying on the
small bed.

"Why are you not in your own bed, dearest?"

"Because I feel quite well again, my darling, and I wished to sup with
you at table. We will go to bed afterwards, if that will give you any
pleasure."

"It will give me pleasure if you share in my delight."

"Alas! I am undone, and I shall doubtless die when I have to leave you."

"Do not leave me, sweetheart; come with me to Rome; and leave the matter
in my hands. I will make you my wife, and we will live happily together
ever after."

"That would be too great a bliss, but I could never make up my mind to
it; say no more about it."

I was sure of spending a delicious night--in the possession of all her
charms, and we stayed an hour at table, seasoning the dishes with sweet
converse. When we had done, the woman came up, gave her a packet, and
went away again, wishing us good night.

"What does this packet contain, darling?"

"It is the present I have got for you-my portrait, but you must not see
it till I am in bed."

"I will indulge you in that fancy, although I am very curious to see the
portrait."

"You will say I am right afterwards."

I wanted to undress her myself, and she submitted like a lamb. When she
was in bed, she opened the packet, and shewed me her portrait, naked, and
very like the naked portrait of M---- M----. I praised the painter for the
excellence of the copy he had made; nothing was altered but the colour of
the hair and eyes.

"It isn't a copy," she said, "there would not have been time. He only
made the eyes and hair black, and the latter more abundant. Thus you have
in it a portrait of the first and also of the second M---- M----, in whom
you must forget the first. She has also vanished from the clothed
portrait, for you see the nun has black eyes. I could shew this picture
to anyone as my portrait."

"You do not know how precious your present is to me! Tell me, dearest,
how you succeeded in carrying out your plan so well."

"I told the country-woman about it yesterday morning, and she said that
she had a foster-son at Anneci, who was a miniature painter. Through him
she sent the two miniatures to a more skilful painter at Geneva, who made
the change you see for four or five Louis; he was probably able to do it
in two or three hours. I entrusted the two portraits to him, and you see
how well he did his work. The woman has no doubt just received them, and
to-morrow she may be able to tell you more about it."

"She is really a wonderful woman. I will indemnify her for the expense.
But now tell me why you did not want me to see the portrait before you
were in bed?"

"Guess."

"Because I can now see you in the same posture as that in which you are
represented."

"Exactly."

"It is an excellent idea; only love can have given it you. But you must
wait till I am in the same state."

When we were both in a state of nature, exactly like Adam and Eve before
they tasted the fatal apple, I placed her in the position of the
portrait, and guessing my intention from my face she opened her arms for
me to come to her; but I asked her to wait a moment, for I had a little
packet too, which contained something she would like. I then drew from my
pocket-book a little article of transparent skin, about eight inches
long, with one opening, which was ornamented with a red rosette. I gave
her this preventive sheath, and she looked, admired, and laughed loudly,
asking me if I had used such articles with her Venetian sister. "I will
put it on myself; you don't know how I shall enjoy it. Why didn't you use
one last night? How could you have forgotten it? Well, I shall be very
wretched if anything comes of it. What shall I do in four or five months,
when my condition becomes past doubt?"

"Dearest, the only thing to do is not to think of it, for if the damage
is done, there is no cure for it; but from my experience and knowledge of
the laws of nature I expect that our sweet combats of last night will
probably have no troublesome consequences. It has been stated that after
child-birth a woman cannot conceive afresh without having seen something
which I expect you have not seen."

"No, God be thanked!"

"Good. Then let us not give any thought to the dismal future lest we lose
our present bliss."

"I am quite comforted; but I can't understand why you are afraid to-day
of what you were not afraid yesterday; my state is the same."

"The event has sometimes given the lie to the most eminent physicians.
Nature, wiser than they, has exceptions to her rules, let us not defy
them for the future, but let us not trouble ourselves if we have defied
there in the past."

"I like to hear you talk so sagely. Yes, we will be prudent whatever it
costs. There you are, hooded like a mother abbess, but in spite of the
fineness of the sheath I like the little fellow better quite naked. I
think that this covering degrades us both."

"You are right, it does. But let us not dwell on these ideas which will
only spoil our pleasure."

"We will enjoy our pleasure directly; let me be reasonable now, for I
have never thought of these matters before. Love must have invented these
little sheaths, but it must first have listened to the voice of prudence,
and I do not like to see love and prudence allied."

"The correctness of your arguments surprises me, but we will philosophize
another time."

"Wait a minute. I have never seen a man before, and I have never wished
to enjoy the sight as much as now. Ten months ago I should have called
that article an invention of the devil; but now I look upon the inventor
as a benefactor, for if my wretched hump-back had provided himself with
such a sheath he would not have exposed me to the danger of losing my
honour and my life. But, tell me, how is that the makers of these things
remain unmolested; I wonder they are not found out, excommunicated, or
heavily fined, or even punished corporeally, if they are Jews as I
expect. Dear me, the maker of this one must have measured you badly!
Look! it is too large here, and too small there; it makes you into a
regular curve. What a stupid the fellow must be, he can't know his own
trade! But what is that?"

"You make me laugh; it's all your fault. You have been feeling and
fondling, and you see the natural consequence. I knew it would be so."

"And you couldn't keep it back a minute. It is going on now. I am so
sorry; it is a dreadful pity."

"There is not much harm done, so console yourself."

"How can I? you are quite dead. How can you laugh?"

"At your charming simplicity. You shall see in a moment that your charms
will give me new life which I shall not lose so easily."

"Wonderful! I couldn't have believed it!"

I took off the sheath, and gave her another, which pleased her better, as
it seemed to fit me better, and she laughed for joy as she put it on. She
knew nothing of these wonders. Her thoughts had been bound in chains, and
she could not discover the truth before she knew me; but though she was
scarcely out of Egypt she shewed all the eagerness of an enquiring and
newly emancipated spirit. "But how if the rubbing makes the sheath fall
off?" said she. I explained to her that such an accident could scarcely
happen, and also told her of what material the English made these
articles.

After all this talking, of which my ardour began to weary, we abandoned
ourselves to love, then to sleep, then to love again, and so on
alternately till day-break. As I was leaving, the woman of the house told
us that the painter had asked four louis, and that she had give two louis
to her foster-son. I gave her twelve, and went home, where I slept till
morn, without thinking of breakfasting with the Marquis de Prie, but I
think I should have given him some notice of my inability to come. His
mistress sulked with me all dinner-time, but softened when I allowed
myself to be persuaded into making a bank. However, I found she was
playing for heavy stakes, and I had to check her once or twice, which
made her so cross that she went to hide her ill-temper in a corner of the
hall. However, the marquis won, and I was losing, when the taciturn Duke
of Rosebury, his tutor Smith, and two of his fellow-countrymen, arrived
from Geneva. He came up to me and said, "How do you do?" and without
another word began to play, inviting his companions to follow his
example.

Seeing my bank in the last agony I sent Le Duc to my room for the
cash-box, whence I drew out five rolls of a hundred louis each. The
Marquis de Prie said, coolly, that he wouldn't mind being my partner, and
in the same tone I begged to be excused. He continued punting without
seeming to be offended at my refusal and when I put down the cards and
rose from the table he had won two hundred louis; but all the others had
lost, especially one of the Englishmen, so that I had made a profit of a
thousand louis. The marquis asked me if I would give him chocolate in my
room next morning, and I replied that I should be glad to see him. I
replaced my cash-box in my room, and proceeded to the cottage, pleased
with the day's work and feeling inclined to crown it with love.

I found my fair friend looking somewhat sad, and on my enquiring the
reason she told me that a nephew of the country-woman's, who had come
from Chamberi that morning, had told her that he had heard from a
lay-sister of the same convent, whom he knew, that two sisters would
start at day-break in two days' time to fetch her; this sad news, she
said, had made her tears flow fast.

"But the abbess said the sisters could not start before ten days had
expired."

"She must have changed her mind."

"Sorrow intrudes into our happy state. Will you be my wife? Will you
follow me to Rome and receive absolution from your vows. You may be sure
that I shall have a care for your happiness."

"Nay, I have lived long enough; let me return to my tomb."

After supper I told the good woman that if she could rely on her nephew,
she would do well to send him at once to Chamberi with orders to return
directly the lay-sisters started, and to endeavour to reach Aix two hours
before them. She told me that I might reckon on the young man's silence,
and on his carrying out my orders. I quieted in this way the charming
nun's alarm, and got into bed with her, feeling sad though amorous; and
on the pretext that she required rest I left her at midnight, as I wanted
to be at home in the morning since I had an engagement with the marquis.
In due course he arrived with his mistress, two other ladies, and their
husbands or lovers.

I did not limit myself to giving them chocolate; my breakfast consisted
of all the luxuries the place afforded. When I had got rid of my
troublesome company, I told Le Duc to shut my door, and to tell everybody
that I was ill in bed and could not see any visitors. I also warned him
that I should be away for two days, and that he must not leave my room a
moment till I came back. Having made these arrangements, I slipped away
unperceived and went to my mistress, resolved not to leave her till half
an hour before the arrival of the lay-sisters.

When she saw me and heard that I was not going to leave her till she went
away, she jumped for joy; and we conceived the idea of not having any
dinner that we might enjoy our supper the better.

"We will go to bed after supper," said she, "and will not get up till the
messenger brings the fatal news that the lay-sisters have started."

I thought the idea an excellent one, and I called the woman of the house
to tell her of our arrangements, and she promised to see that we were not
disturbed.

We did not find the time long, for two passionate lovers find plenty to
talk about since their talk is of themselves. And besides our caresses,
renewed again and again, there was something so mysterious and solemn in
our situation that our souls and our senses were engaged the whole time.

After a supper which would have pleased a Lucullus, we spent twelve hours
in giving each other proofs, of our passionate love, sleeping after our
amorous struggles, and waking only to renew the fight. The next day we
rose to refresh ourselves, and after a good dinner, mashed down by some
excellent Burgundy, we went to bed again; but at four the country-woman
came to tell us that the lay-sisters would arrive about six. We had
nothing now to look for in the future, the die was cast, and we began our
farewell caresses. I sealed the last with my blood. My first
M---- M---- had seen it, and my second rightly saw it also. She was
frightened, but I calmed her fears. I then rose, and taking a roll
containing fifty louis I begged her to keep them for me, promising to
come for them in two years, and take them from her hands through the
grating of her terrible prison. She spent the last quarter of an hour in
tears, and mine were only restrained lest I should add to her grief. I
cut off a piece of her fleece and a lock of her beautiful hair, promising
her always to bear them next my heart.

I left her, telling the country-woman that she should see me again the
next day, and I went to bed as soon as I got home. Next morning I was on
the way to Chamberi. At a quarter of a league's distance from Aix I saw
my angel slowly walking along. As soon as the lay-sisters were near
enough they asked an alms in the name of God. I gave them a Louis, but my
saint did not look at me.

With a broken heart I went to the good countrywoman, who told me that
M---- M---- had gone at day-break, bidding her to remind me of the convent
grating. I kissed the Worthy woman, and I gave her nephew all the loose
silver I had about me, and returning to the inn I had my luggage put on
to the carriage, and would have started that moment if I had had any
horses. But I had two hours to wait, and I went and bade the marquis
farewell. He was out, but his mistress was in the room by herself. On my
telling her of my departure, she said,

"Don't go, stay with me a couple of days longer."

"I feel the honour you are conferring on me, but business of the greatest
importance obliges me to be gone forthwith."

"Impossible," said the lady, as she went to a glass the better to lace
herself, shewing me a superb breast. I saw her design, but I determined
to baulk her. She then put one foot upon a couch to retie her garter, and
when she put up the other foot I saw beauties more enticing than Eve's
apple. It was nearly all up with me, when the marquis came in. He
proposed a little game of quinze, and his mistress asked me to be her
partner. I could not escape; she sat next to me, and I had lost forty
Louis by dinner-time.

"I owe you twenty," said the lady, as we were going down.

At dessert Le Duc came to tell me that my carriage was at the door, and I
got up, but under the pretence of paying me the twenty louis the
marquis's mistress made me come with her to her room.

When we were there she addressed me in a serious and supplicating voice,
telling me that if I went she would be dishonoured, as everybody knew
that she had engaged to make me stay.

"Do I look worthy of contempt?" said she, making me sit down upon the
sofa.

Then with a repetition of her tactics in the morning she contrived that I
should see everything. Excited by her charms I praised her beauties, I
kissed, I touched; she let herself fall on me, and looked radiant when
her vagrant hand found palpable proof of her powers of attraction.

"I promise to be yours to-morrow, wait till then."

Not knowing how to refuse, I said I would keep her to her word, and would
have my horses taken out. Just then the marquis came in, saying he would
give me my revenge and without answering I went downstairs as if to come
back again, but I ran out of the inn, got into my carriage, and drove
off, promising a good fee to the postillion if he would put his horses at
a gallop.