Fantastic Fables
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FANTASTIC FABLES
BY AMBROSE BIERCE
AUTHOR OF "TALES OF SOLDIERS AND CIVILIANS," "CAN SUCH THINGS BE?" "BLACK
BEETLES IN AMBER," ETC.
G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS
NEW YORK AND LONDON
The Knickerbocker Press _1899_
Contents:
The Moral Principle and the Material Interest
The Crimson Candle
The Blotted Escutcheon and the Soiled Ermine
The Ingenious Patriot
Two Kings
An Officer and a Thug
The Conscientious Official
How Leisure Came
The Moral Sentiment
The Politicians
The Thoughtful Warden
The Treasury and the Arms
The Christian Serpent
The Broom of the Temple
The Critics
The Foolish Woman
Father and Son
The Discontented Malefactor
A Call to Quit
The Man and the Lightning
The Lassoed Bear
The Ineffective Rooter
A Protagonist of Silver
The Holy Deacon
A Hasty Settlement
The Wooden Guns
The Reform School Board
The Poet's Doom
The Noser and the Note
The Cat and the King
The Literary Astronomer
The Lion and the Rattlesnake
The Man with No Enemies
The Alderman and the Raccoon
The Flying-Machine
The Angel's Tear
The City of Political Distinction
The Party Over There
The Poetess of Reform
The Unchanged Diplomatist
An Invitation
The Ashes of Madame Blavatsky
The Opossum of the Future
The Life-Savers
The Australian Grasshopper
The Pavior
The Tried Assassin
The Bumbo of Jiam
The Two Poets
The Thistles upon the Grave
The Shadow of the Leader
The Sagacious Rat
The Member and the Soap
Alarm and Pride
A Causeway
Two in Trouble
The Witch's Steed
The All Dog
The Farmer's Friend
Physicians Two
The Overlooked Factor
A Racial Parallel
The Honest Cadi
The Kangaroo and the Zebra
A Matter of Method
The Man of Principle
The Returned Californian
The Compassionate Physician
Two of the Damned
The Austere Governor
Religions of Error
The Penitent Elector
The Tail of the Sphinx
A Prophet of Evil
The Crew of the Life-boat
A Treaty of Peace
The Nightside of Character
The Faithful Cashier
The Circular Clew
The Devoted Widow
The Hardy Patriots
The Humble Peasant
The Various Delegation
The No Case
A Harmless Visitor
The Judge and the Rash Act
The Prerogative of Might
An Inflated Ambition
Rejected Services
The Power of the Scalawag
At Large--One Temper
The Seeker and the Sought
His Fly-Speck Majesty
The Pugilist's Diet
The Old Man and the Pupil
The Deceased and his Heirs
The Politicians and the Plunder
The Man and the Wart
The Divided Delegation
A Forfeited Right
Revenge
An Optimist
A Valuable Suggestion
Two Footpads
Equipped for Service
The Basking Cyclone
At the Pole
The Optimist and the Cynic
The Poet and the Editor
The Taken Hand
An Unspeakable Imbecile
A Needful War
The Mine Owner and the Jackass
The Dog and the Physician
The Party Manager and the Gentleman.
The Legislator and the Citizen
The Rainmaker
The Citizen and the Snakes
Fortune and the Fabulist
A Smiling Idol
Philosophers Three
The Boneless King
Uncalculating Zeal
A Transposition
The Honest Citizen
A Creaking Tail
Wasted Sweets
Six and One
The Sportsman and the Squirrel
The Fogy and the Sheik
At Heaven's Gate
The Catted Anarchist
The Honourable Member
The Expatriated Boss
An Inadequate Fee
The Judge and the Plaintiff
The Return of the Representative
A Statesman
Two Dogs
Three Recruits
The Mirror
Saint and Sinner
An Antidote
A Weary Echo
The Ingenious Blackmailer
A Talisman
The Ancient Order
A Fatal Disorder
The Massacre
A Ship and a Man
Congress and the People
The Justice and His Accuser
The Highwayman and the Traveller
The Policeman and the Citizen
The Writer and the Tramps
Two Politicians
The Fugitive Office
The Tyrant Frog
The Eligible Son-in-Law
The Statesman and the Horse
An AErophobe
The Thrift of Strength
The Good Government
The Life-Saver
The Man and the Bird
From the Minutes
Three of a Kind
The Fabulist and the Animals
A Revivalist Revived
The Debaters
Two of the Pious
The Desperate Object
The Appropriate Memorial
A Needless Labour
A Flourishing Industry
The Self-Made Monkey
The Patriot and the Banker
The Mourning Brothers
The Disinterested Arbiter
The Thief and the Honest Man
The Dutiful Son
Aesopus Emendatus
The Cat and the Youth
The Farmer and His Sons
Jupiter and the Baby Show
The Man and the Dog
The Cat and the Birds
Mercury and the Woodchopper
The Fox and the Grapes
The Penitent Thief
The Archer and the Eagle
Truth and the Traveller
The Wolf and the Lamb
The Lion and the Boar
The Grasshopper and the Ant
The Fisher and the Fished
The Farmer and the Fox
Dame Fortune and the Traveller
The Victor and the Victim
The Wolf and the Shepherds
The Goose and the Swan
The Lion, the Cock, and the Ass
The Snake and the Swallow
The Wolves and the Dogs
The Hen and the Vipers
A Seasonable Joke
The Lion and the Thorn
The Fawn and the Buck
The Kite, the Pigeons, and the Hawk
The Wolf and the Babe
The Wolf and the Ostrich
The Herdsman and the Lion
The Man and the Viper
The Man and the Eagle
The War-horse and the Miller
The Dog and the Reflection
The Man and the Fish-horn
The Hare and the Tortoise
Hercules and the Carter
The Lion and the Bull
The Man and his Goose
The Wolf and the Feeding Goat
Jupiter and the Birds
The Lion and the Mouse
The Old Man and his Sons
The Crab and his Son
The North Wind and the Sun
The Mountain and the Mouse
The Bellamy and the Members
Old Saws with New Teeth
The Wolf and the Crane
The Lion and the Mouse
The Hares and the Frogs
The Belly and the Members
The Piping Fisherman
The Ants and the Grasshopper
The Dog and His Reflection
The Lion, the Bear, and the Fox
The Ass and the Lion's Skin
The Ass and the Grasshoppers
The Wolf and the Lion
The Hare and the Tortoise
The Milkmaid and Her Bucket
King Log and King Stork
The Wolf Who Would Be a Lion
The Monkey and the Nuts
The Boys and the Frogs
The Moral Principle and the Material Interest . . .
A Moral Principle met a Material Interest on a bridge wide enough for but
one.
"Down, you base thing!" thundered the Moral Principle, "and let me pass
over you!"
The Material Interest merely looked in the other's eyes without saying
anything.
"Ah," said the Moral Principle, hesitatingly, "let us draw lots to see
which shall retire till the other has crossed."
The Material Interest maintained an unbroken silence and an unwavering
stare.
"In order to avoid a conflict," the Moral Principle resumed, somewhat
uneasily, "I shall myself lie down and let you walk over me."
Then the Material Interest found a tongue, and by a strange coincidence
it was its own tongue. "I don't think you are very good walking," it
said. "I am a little particular about what I have underfoot. Suppose
you get off into the water."
It occurred that way.
The Crimson Candle
A man lying at the point of death called his wife to his bedside and
said:
"I am about to leave you forever; give me, therefore, one last proof of
your affection and fidelity, for, according to our holy religion, a
married man seeking admittance at the gate of Heaven is required to swear
that he has never defiled himself with an unworthy woman. In my desk you
will find a crimson candle, which has been blessed by the High Priest and
has a peculiar mystical significance. Swear to me that while it is in
existence you will not remarry."
The Woman swore and the Man died. At the funeral the Woman stood at the
head of the bier, holding a lighted crimson candle till it was wasted
entirely away.
The Blotted Escutcheon and the Soiled Ermine
A Blotted Escutcheon, rising to a question of privilege, said:
"Mr. Speaker, I wish to hurl back an allegation and explain that the
spots upon me are the natural markings of one who is a direct descendant
of the sun and a spotted fawn. They come of no accident of character,
but inhere in the divine order and constitution of things."
When the Blotted Escutcheon had resumed his seat a Soiled Ermine rose and
said:
"Mr. Speaker, I have heard with profound attention and entire approval
the explanation of the honourable member, and wish to offer a few remarks
on my own behalf. I, too, have been foully calumniated by our ancient
enemy, the Infamous Falsehood, and I wish to point out that I am made of
the fur of the _Mustela maculata_, which is dirty from birth."
The Ingenious Patriot
Having obtained an audience of the King an Ingenious Patriot pulled a
paper from his pocket, saying:
"May it please your Majesty, I have here a formula for constructing
armour-plating which no gun can pierce. If these plates are adopted in
the Royal Navy our warships will be invulnerable, and therefore
invincible. Here, also, are reports of your Majesty's Ministers,
attesting the value of the invention. I will part with my right in it
for a million tumtums."
After examining the papers, the King put them away and promised him an
order on the Lord High Treasurer of the Extortion Department for a
million tumtums.
"And here," said the Ingenious Patriot, pulling another paper from
another pocket, "are the working plans of a gun that I have invented,
which will pierce that armour. Your Majesty's Royal Brother, the Emperor
of Bang, is anxious to purchase it, but loyalty to your Majesty's throne
and person constrains me to offer it first to your Majesty. The price is
one million tumtums."
Having received the promise of another check, he thrust his hand into
still another pocket, remarking:
"The price of the irresistible gun would have been much greater, your
Majesty, but for the fact that its missiles can be so effectively averted
by my peculiar method of treating the armour plates with a new--"
The King signed to the Great Head Factotum to approach.
"Search this man," he said, "and report how many pockets he has."
"Forty-three, Sire," said the Great Head Factotum, completing the
scrutiny.
"May it please your Majesty," cried the Ingenious Patriot, in terror,
"one of them contains tobacco."
"Hold him up by the ankles and shake him," said the King; "then give him
a check for forty-two million tumtums and put him to death. Let a decree
issue declaring ingenuity a capital offence."
Two Kings
The King of Madagao, being engaged in a dispute with the King of
Bornegascar, wrote him as follows:
"Before proceeding further in this matter I demand the recall of your
Minister from my capital."
Greatly enraged by this impossible demand, the King of Bornegascar
replied:
"I shall not recall my Minister. Moreover, if you do not immediately
retract your demand I shall withdraw him!"
This threat so terrified the King of Madagao that in hastening to comply
he fell over his own feet, breaking the Third Commandment.
An Officer and a Thug
A Chief of Police who had seen an Officer beating a Thug was very
indignant, and said he must not do so any more on pain of dismissal.
"Don't be too hard on me," said the Officer, smiling; "I was beating him
with a stuffed club."
"Nevertheless," persisted the Chief of Police, "it was a liberty that
must have been very disagreeable, though it may not have hurt. Please do
not repeat it."
"But," said the Officer, still smiling, "it was a stuffed Thug."
In attempting to express his gratification, the Chief of Police thrust
out his right hand with such violence that his skin was ruptured at the
arm-pit and a stream of sawdust poured from the wound. He was a stuffed
Chief of Police.
The Conscientious Official
While a Division Superintendent of a railway was attending closely to his
business of placing obstructions on the track and tampering with the
switches he received word that the President of the road was about to
discharge him for incompetency.
"Good Heavens!" he cried; "there are more accidents on my division than
on all the rest of the line."
"The President is very particular," said the Man who brought him the
news; "he thinks the same loss of life might be effected with less damage
to the company's property."
"Does he expect me to shoot passengers through the car windows?"
exclaimed the indignant official, spiking a loose tie across the rails.
"Does he take me for an assassin?"
How Leisure Came
A Man to Whom Time Was Money, and who was bolting his breakfast in order
to catch a train, had leaned his newspaper against the sugar-bowl and was
reading as he ate. In his haste and abstraction he stuck a pickle-fork
into his right eye, and on removing the fork the eye came with it. In
buying spectacles the needless outlay for the right lens soon reduced him
to poverty, and the Man to Whom Time Was Money had to sustain life by
fishing from the end of a wharf.
The Moral Sentiment
A Pugilist met the Moral Sentiment of the Community, who was carrying a
hat-box. "What have you in the hat-box, my friend?" inquired the
Pugilist.
"A new frown," was the answer. "I am bringing it from the frownery--the
one over there with the gilded steeple."
"And what are you going to do with the nice new frown?" the Pugilist
asked.
"Put down pugilism--if I have to wear it night and day," said the Moral
Sentiment of the Community, sternly.
"That's right," said the Pugilist, "that is right, my good friend; if
pugilism had been put down yesterday, I wouldn't have this kind of Nose
to-day. I had a rattling hot fight last evening with--"
"Is that so?" cried the Moral Sentiment of the Community, with sudden
animation. "Which licked? Sit down here on the hat-box and tell me all
about it!"
The Politicians
An Old Politician and a Young Politician were travelling through a
beautiful country, by the dusty highway which leads to the City of
Prosperous Obscurity. Lured by the flowers and the shade and charmed by
the songs of birds which invited to woodland paths and green fields, his
imagination fired by glimpses of golden domes and glittering palaces in
the distance on either hand, the Young Politician said:
"Let us, I beseech thee, turn aside from this comfortless road leading,
thou knowest whither, but not I. Let us turn our backs upon duty and
abandon ourselves to the delights and advantages which beckon from every
grove and call to us from every shining hill. Let us, if so thou wilt,
follow this beautiful path, which, as thou seest, hath a guide-board
saying, 'Turn in here all ye who seek the Palace of Political
Distinction.'"
"It is a beautiful path, my son," said the Old Politician, without either
slackening his pace or turning his head, "and it leadeth among pleasant
scenes. But the search for the Palace of Political Distinction is beset
with one mighty peril."
"What is that?" said the Young Politician.
"The peril of finding it," the Old Politician replied, pushing on.
The Thoughtful Warden
The Warden of a Penitentiary was one day putting locks on the doors of
all the cells when a mechanic said to him:
"Those locks can all be opened from the inside--you are very imprudent."
The Warden did not look up from his work, but said:
"If that is called imprudence, I wonder what would be called a thoughtful
provision against the vicissitudes of fortune."
The Treasury and the Arms
A Public Treasury, feeling Two Arms lifting out its contents, exclaimed:
"Mr. Shareman, I move for a division."
"You seem to know something about parliamentary forms of speech," said
the Two Arms.
"Yes," replied the Public Treasury, "I am familiar with the hauls of
legislation."
The Christian Serpent
A Rattlesnake came home to his brood and said: "My children, gather about
and receive your father's last blessing, and see how a Christian dies."
"What ails you, Father?" asked the Small Snakes.
"I have been bitten by the editor of a partisan journal," was the reply,
accompanied by the ominous death-rattle.
The Broom of the Temple
The city of Gakwak being about to lose its character of capital of the
province of Ukwuk, the Wampog issued a proclamation convening all the
male residents in council in the Temple of Ul to devise means of defence.
The first speaker thought the best policy would be to offer a fried
jackass to the gods. The second suggested a public procession, headed by
the Wampog himself, bearing the Holy Poker on a cushion of
cloth-of-brass. Another thought that a scarlet mole should be buried
alive in the public park and a suitable incantation chanted over the
remains. The advice of the fourth was that the columns of the capitol be
rubbed with oil of dog by a person having a moustache on the calf of his
leg. When all the others had spoken an Aged Man rose and said:
"High and mighty Wampog and fellow-citizens, I have listened attentively
to all the plans proposed. All seem wise, and I do not suffer myself to
doubt that any one of them would be efficacious. Nevertheless, I cannot
help thinking that if we would put an improved breed of polliwogs in our
drinking water, construct shallower roadways, groom the street cows,
offer the stranger within our gates a free choice between the poniard and
the potion, and relinquish our private system of morals, the other
measures of public safety would be needless."
The Aged Man was about to speak further, but the meeting informally
adjourned in order to sweep the floor of the temple--for the men of
Gakwak are the tidiest housewives in all that province. The last speaker
was the broom.
The Critics
While bathing, Antinous was seen by Minerva, who was so enamoured of his
beauty that, all armed as she happened to be, she descended from Olympus
to woo him; but, unluckily displaying her shield, with the head of Medusa
on it, she had the unhappiness to see the beautiful mortal turn to stone
from catching a glimpse of it. She straightway ascended to ask Jove to
restore him; but before this could be done a Sculptor and a Critic passed
that way and espied him.
"This is a very bad Apollo," said the Sculptor: "the chest is too narrow,
and one arm is at least a half-inch shorter than the other. The attitude
is unnatural, and I may say impossible. Ah! my friend, you should see my
statue of Antinous."
"In my judgment, the figure," said the Critic, "is tolerably good, though
rather Etrurian, but the expression of the face is decidedly Tuscan, and
therefore false to nature. By the way, have you read my work on 'The
Fallaciousness of the Aspectual in Art'?"
The Foolish Woman
A Married Woman, whose lover was about to reform by running away,
procured a pistol and shot him dead.
"Why did you do that, Madam?" inquired a Policeman, sauntering by.
"Because," replied the Married Woman, "he was a wicked man, and had
purchased a ticket to Chicago."
"My sister," said an adjacent Man of God, solemnly, "you cannot stop the
wicked from going to Chicago by killing them."
Father and Son
"My boy," said an aged Father to his fiery and disobedient Son, "a hot
temper is the soil of remorse. Promise me that when next you are angry
you will count one hundred before you move or speak."
No sooner had the Son promised than he received a stinging blow from the
paternal walking-stick, and by the time he had counted to seventy-five
had the unhappiness to see the old man jump into a waiting cab and whirl
away.
The Discontented Malefactor
A Judge having sentenced a Malefactor to the penitentiary was proceeding
to point out to him the disadvantages of crime and the profit of
reformation.
"Your Honour," said the Malefactor, interrupting, "would you be kind
enough to alter my punishment to ten years in the penitentiary and
nothing else?"
"Why," said the Judge, surprised, "I have given you only three years!"
"Yes, I know," assented the Malefactor--"three years' imprisonment and
the preaching. If you please, I should like to commute the preaching."
A Call to Quit
Seeing that his audiences were becoming smaller every Sunday, a Minister
of the Gospel broke off in the midst of a sermon, descended the pulpit
stairs, and walked on his hands down the central aisle of the church. He
then remounted his feet, ascended to the pulpit, and resumed his
discourse, making no allusion to the incident.
"Now," said he to himself, as he went home, "I shall have, henceforth, a
large attendance and no snoring."
But on the following Friday he was waited upon by the Pillars of the
Church, who informed him that in order to be in harmony with the New
Theology and get full advantage of modern methods of Gospel
interpretation they had deemed it advisable to make a change. They had
therefore sent a call to Brother Jowjeetum-Fallal, the World-Renowned
Hindoo Human Pin-Wheel, then holding forth in Hoopitup's circus. They
were happy to say that the reverend gentleman had been moved by the
Spirit to accept the call, and on the ensuing Sabbath would break the
bread of life for the brethren or break his neck in the attempt.
The Man and the Lightning
A Man Running for Office was overtaken by Lightning.
"You see," said the Lightning, as it crept past him inch by inch, "I can
travel considerably faster than you."
"Yes," the Man Running for Office replied, "but think how much longer I
keep going!"
The Lassoed Bear
A Hunter who had lassoed a Bear was trying to disengage himself from the
rope, but the slip-knot about his wrist would not yield, for the Bear was
all the time pulling in the slack with his paws. In the midst of his
trouble the Hunter saw a Showman passing by, and managed to attract his
attention.
"What will you give me," he said, "for my Bear?"
"It will be some five or ten minutes," said the Showman, "before I shall
want a fresh Bear, and it looks to me as if prices would fall during that
time. I think I'll wait and watch the market."
"The price of this animal," the Hunter replied, "is down to bed-rock; you
can have him for nothing a pound, spot cash, and I'll throw in the next
one that I lasso. But the purchaser must remove the goods from the
premises forthwith, to make room for three man-eating tigers, a
cat-headed gorilla, and an armful of rattlesnakes."
But the Showman passed on, in maiden meditation, fancy free, and being
joined soon afterward by the Bear, who was absently picking his teeth, it
was inferred that they were not unacquainted.
The Ineffective Rooter
A Drunken Man was lying in the road with a bleeding nose, upon which he
had fallen, when a Pig passed that way.
"You wallow fairly well," said the Pig, "but, my fine fellow, you have
much to learn about rooting."
A Protagonist of Silver
Some Financiers who were whetting their tongues on their teeth because
the Government had "struck down" silver, and were about to "inaugurate" a
season of sweatshed, were addressed as follows by a Member of their
honourable and warlike body:
"Comrades of the thunder and companions of death, I cannot but regard it
as singularly fortunate that we who by conviction and sympathy are
designated by nature as the champions of that fairest of her products,
the white metal, should also, by a happy chance, be engaged mostly in the
business of mining it. Nothing could be more appropriate than that those
who from unselfish motives and elevated sentiments are doing battle for
the people's rights and interests, should themselves be the chief
beneficiaries of success. Therefore, O children of the earthquake and
the storm, let us stand shoulder to shoulder, heart to heart, and pocket
to pocket!"
This speech so pleased the other Members of the convention that, actuated
by a magnanimous impulse, they sprang to their feet and left the hall. It
was the first time they had ever been known to leave anything having
value.
The Holy Deacon
An Itinerant Preacher who had wrought hard in the moral vineyard for
several hours whispered to a Holy Deacon of the local church:
"Brother, these people know you, and your active support will bear fruit
abundantly. Please pass the plate for me, and you shall have one
fourth."
The Holy Deacon did so, and putting the money into his pocket waited till
the congregation was dismissed and said goodnight.
"But the money, brother, the money that you collected!" said the
Itinerant Preacher.
"Nothing is coming to you," was the reply; "the Adversary has hardened
their hearts, and one fourth is all they gave."
A Hasty Settlement
"Your Honour," said an Attorney, rising, "what is the present status of
this case--as far as it has gone?"
"I have given a judgment for the residuary legatee under the will," said
the Court, "put the costs upon the contestants, decided all questions
relating to fees and other charges; and, in short, the estate in
litigation has been settled, with all controversies, disputes,
misunderstandings, and differences of opinion thereunto appertaining."
"Ah, yes, I see," said the Attorney, thoughtfully, "we are making
progress--we are getting on famously."
"Progress?" echoed the Judge--"progress? Why, sir, the matter is
concluded!"
"Exactly, exactly; it had to be concluded in order to give relevancy to
the motion that I am about to make. Your Honour, I move that the
judgment of the Court be set aside and the case reopened."